Tired

My health has taken a turn for the worst lately. I found out I have a blood clot in my leg and now I have to take blood thinning meds along with shots to dissolve to the clot in my leg. Its by/in the femural artery (main artery in the leg). Also, my knee cap is rubbing directly on the femur bone on the same leg. I have been laid up in a recliner for three days because if the clot moves, it could kill me (if a clot enters the heart or lungs........stroke or death). Its bad enough that I have diabetes, asthma, Bi-Polar, BPD, PTSD, OCD, and Panic & Anxiety Disorders, but now I have to add this shit to the list. I am only 33 years old!! This isn't suppose to be this way.

I can't work, I have no friends, I can't even support myself. I have to rely on everyone else for things. I HATE IT!!!! I have to wait another year to go before the Social Security Judge after 4 appeals. I keep asking myself if I can hang in there that long.

I hate how angry and depressed I feel all the time. Certain songs that I hear send me into a bad depression because it brings back some memories that I have tried hard to forget because they hurt so much.

There are so many things from my past that I can't seem to get over. I always end up with the "self-pity" question of "Why me?" Why all this? Why have I lost so much? I never had my mother, I lost my Dad, sister and brother. I lost someone I was/is deeply in love with, my sanity, jobs, friends, ect. I am sick of losing. That saying "God doesn't give us more then we can handle," is a bunch of crap!!! I'm Wiccan and I'm not trying cut down "God" but dammit, enough is enough already.

I know what you are going through. I used to say Why Me until one day my now deceased wise mother said "Why Not You, who would you wish your circomstances on? Your children, sisters, mother, dad, friend? Everyone has shit in their lives this just happens to be yours."

I realize now that i would choose this rather than wish it on others. So I work hard on staying on meds and therapy. I listen to happy music. I watch funny shows and I keep a journal. My latest entry on a horrible day was "I must remember these days are fewer tham my goood days."

You know maybe we are going through this so the next generation will suffer less. My mother had it and back then they knew nothiing. She sufferd for years with no help. Today I have a diagnosis and meds and my daughters were diagnosed sooner and have accepted their diagnosis and treatment.

Hang in there. It is hard, but there is hope.

I have to say you do sound all messed up! I am sorry you have to go through all of that. How the hell at that age do you get a blood clot in your leg? How did u know how to look for that?

Anyway, life just doesn't seem fair does it. You have alot you have to deal with; I should consider myself lucky. Asthma AND DIABETIES, thats enough especailly with mental problems as well. However, just to let you know, you are not alone.

Trust me. My aunt had the diabeties, hep C , bipolar and all other mental problems you could think of and even the blood clot issue at one time as well. But she was also going out and trying to do drugs and run the streets and never tried to really help herself.

I think as long as you try and help yourself , you are bound to get better. It just takes some time. You sound like you have it really rough, but being on this site will help you get through these trying times. Lots of advice and people who are just like you!

I am really sad because I just lost my cat a couple of months ago. He just up and ran off and he helped me through my anxiety and depression times. I lost a fiance and her two kids as well.

I don't have any friends I hang out with either. I could have some friends, but they all smoke pot and I need to stay away from that. It sux and I too feel all alone but I know I am not.

There are people out there like you who don't have many friends they can talk with face to face. So don't feel alone, we are all here to listen and to let you know, you don't have to feel all alone!

Take it easy irish!