Ready to talk. Ok so here it goes

Guys I am now ready to talk. Ok so here it goes………

I have been with my SO for 10 years we have been living together for 9 years and have been married for 5 years.

She was diagnosed with BPII 6 years ago.

The first few years where the hardest, not knowing what we where up against, not knowing the demon.

But we have a great Dr and she has a very good Psych and therapist and they got her back on track and for 5 years it appeared like no hyper mania, no rage, no depression.

Until late last year. She was taken off the meds as she was doing so well. Within 3 months the mood swings started. 5 months ago she tried to take her life.

When she has a hyper manic episode (and she has had about 4 of these in the 10 months she was off her meds) two things happen to her she jumps from topic to topic with random thoughts and no restraint lots of spending late nights no sleep for days disappearing for hours with no news etc and she gets aggressive. Sounds familiar right?

The rage is like a massive storm and when the storm hits it becomes a level 5 hurricane.

She is now on a new cocktail and coming back to “normal”. Any one who met her for the first time would not even have the slightest idea she was BP.

So over the last 6 years I have been adjusting to my circumstance.

What does this mean?

Over the last 6 years the mood swings and the rage was always there just below the surface.

So as she fixated on things I tried to remove them from our lives. I thought if I can create the “perfect” environment for her then she would be fine.

That was my first mistake. Over the last few months through the wonderful community in this group I have came to understand the 3 C’s:

I didn’t cause it

I can’t control it

I can’t cure it

No one wakes up one morning and says I will try and change every thing in my life so that this person is happy and has no triggers. It is a gradual thing and it happens so slowly that one day you actually wake up and find your self in a place you never thought possible, you don’t recognize or remember who you used to be.

She fixated on my friends so I stopped seeing them.

She fixated on hers so we stop seeing them too.

She fixated on my family so we moved, 3 hours away by plane.

She fixated on her family and we stopped speaking to them for a long long time.

As she ran out of things to fixate on she started to turn her attention on me. I guess I was the only thing left in her life, not just a husband but also her only friend and link to the outside world.

As I had stopped all my interest outside of our marriage, and as hse does not work since we have moved my work was the only one thing left for her.

So she slowly started to pick at my work. “you work to late” so I started leaving work at 5.30 on the dot, not taking any breaks during the day and working on the train which is a 1.5 hour commute making up the time I needed to get my work done.

She said you travel to much, so I started to swap with others at work and minimized my trips to about 2 a year.

I have turned down promotions because it would add to the pressure at home.

But the events of 5 months ago when she tried to take her life has become a point of no return for me.

Here is what happened.

I was invited to a customer Christmas function which was to take place one evening, it was a cocktail event starting at 5pm.

No partners where invited and this was a work function, my manager made it clear it was not optional. I only intended on staying 1 or 2 hours.

I suggested to her to book a restaurant that I could meet her afterwards at first she agreed but over the days leading up to the event she changed her tune.

She fixated on me “always going out with my friends and drinking”. I have been out with my friends for years. This type of behavior seems to be part of BP pattern. That is, they fixate (sorry for the generalization this is only my experience) on an event and look for evidence to support the reality they create.

I left for work on the morning of the event and left her several voice mail and txt messages with no reply during the day. At about 4pm she rang but I couldn’t understand her. I rushed home as quickly as I could (I borrowed a car and drove). When I got home she had taken all the medication she could get her hands on. I rushed her to emergency and she was saved.

So 5 months have gone by and she is now stable. But I am not. I can’t get those events out of my head.

I feel like I have done all I can to support this woman and nothing is helping. I have given up all my friends interest and hobbies held my career back and started to loose touch with my family.

So I have come to the simple realization, no matter what I do I can not change the fact that she will have episodes from time to time. No matter how happy I try and make her.

Over the last 2 months I have made contact with my friends again and they all keep telling me to leave (as they did 6 years ago). I have found a therapist who is helping me deal with all this. BTW he has also told me to leave.

Being BP does not give some one a license to do what ever they want and act selfishly.

She has now stabilized and I am at the stage where I am ready to walk. I am now trying to make sure she has a crisis plan in place and that she does not try and take her life again when I tell her.

I still love her and will always love her.

Am I being selfish?

Is there anything I haven’t tried?

She has to make that crisis plan, you can't do it for her, you can't stop her from trying to take her life, if she has that in mind, there isn't anything short of chaining her in a room with no access to anything to prevent it. If she is on meds, getting therapy, etc.. you have done all that you can do.

I can't say that you are being selfish as I don't believe that you are, we all reach our breaking points, as a matter of fact this was part of the session i had with my therapist yesterday, I am feeling more and more that I have reached that breaking point as well.

It's with my husband, and I am the one that is bipolar. There's been so much water under that bridge that the pilings have been washed out, even with the help that he is getting now, I don't know that anything can be done to stop that bridge from collapsing, sounds like you are in the same boat that I am, I am having self doubts, wondering if I am just not giving it enough time, etc.. this has been a on going fight for this marriage for 6 years now. The help he is receiving only started last month, but is something I pushed for, for over 5 years, like you I love him, and I believe I have done everything I could possibly do to make this marriage work, I just don't know that i have the strength left to hold on anymore.

The only thing that I can see that you haven't tried yet, is taking care of yourself, it's time to start that.

i know red will get to you here. he is going to be the best person to talk to about this because it is his life. i'll be thinking of you and feel free to pm me if you need to talk. you're not alone and you're not a bad person. you do deserve a life that is not dominated by someone else's life. that's not marriage. it took me a long time to learn that lesson, but i promise you it's true.

peace and love-

z.

hugs to you, you have been through a lot...

Welcome to the group. I have bipolar, and I just learned something from your story. The fixation. I have done this with my fiance. I was unmedicated for 4 yrs of this relationship.

I see two sides of this situation. Her side, and yours.

First your side. You should not have to give up everything your lives to be happy. You than have nothing left. That was your choice not hers. I would be mad if I gave up eveything in my life for others, and I have, and I was dissappointed. I would not want to be in that position, to be in fear of someone hurting themselves if, I were to make a mistake.

That is a heavy burden to carry.

Now her side. She is bipolar, and you have known this for a while. She was in a dangerous situation when her pdoc told her she could get off of meds.

It seems like there wasn't any communication, or boundaries or anything between you two. It isn't your fault she tried to hurt herself, but, having known she was bipolar, you should have known the risks. Both of you should have, and communicated a agreement of what you both could do to respond to an emergency.

I can't tell you what you should do, but, It doesn't have to be over.

I have been here with my fiance. We had to step back, look at the problem, and try some healthier ways to deal with our relationship. Both taking care of ourselves, and taking responsibility for our health. Be had to both stop being victims, to eachother. If taking care of yourself is to leave that is what you need to do, and maybe getting out of the way will leave her to deal with her.

But, there is a way of doing things, that be helpful to both of you. My fiance, and I have been able to get help, and our relationship has been so much better. I also know other couples, that have good relationships. Both people have to be willing to do the work, though.

Hang in there. We are here for you.

I am working through some more issue and the therapy is helping.

But it felt so good to get this of my chest