How many of you are able to hold down a job?

I have to go back to work soon, as unemployment isn't going to last forever and it barely covers the basics. But this time around I am going to find something that puts as little stress on me as I can find, it generally doesn't last that way for me for long, I end up in management or something...I like being a peon..come in do my job, and go the heck home. Don't have the responsibility of having to be there cause others jobs depend on it. I don't think that Megz thought that no one else had the problem of having to work just to take care of their family.

Carmen

That is totally understandable. I am just saying I see both ways. I have to actually get a part time job so I don't feel more depressed being in the house. But it wont be much of a job, starting out a few days a week. I can't handle the stress , i'll just fail again. That is my biggest fear and why im scared to get on out there. People like you actually really inspire me. Thats what keeps me believing I can do it all by myself someday. Because someday I may not have any help and I might just have no choice at all. I want to be like you, that no matter what is wrong or how frustrated you get, you have to just keep pushing on. So keep pushing on and inspiring those who feel they cannot. That should make you feel better about yourself is that you are keeping strong and inspiring others.

Carmen

I was a straight A student, graduated at 17 and went to work as a secy. I got married at 19 to the first man I dated (I was not allowed to date until age 17). The marriage was a mistake and we were separating when I learned I was pregnant. He refused to leave and I agreed to try to make a go of the situation for our child. I had my son at age 25. My then husband was into women, drugs and not working so I was the sole support many, many times. I even paid his child support! We were divorced when my son was 5 because I did not want my son to grow up in this type of home environment ever. That was 13 years out of my life and I thought I had learned a lesson then.

In early 30s I began to date for the first time when my son was visiting his father on weekends. But by my mid-30s, I began to lose the ability to prioritize with depression setting in, then in my 40s my ability to organize was slipping, then in my early 50s my short term memory was shot (by-product of fibro/chronic fatigue with anxiety out of control).

Mix in 5 marriages with stepchildren too during the in and out decades of my unrecognized mania. So much stress, so much time spent, so much moving in and out, so much money lost, so much emotional confusion over life but still pushing to go to work and "look normal." I would not take time for myself then either. I focused on others so I would not have to see what was really happening to me. The problem was not me! How in the world I raised such a sane and successful son (balanced and loving), is the by Grace of God alone. God allowed me to recognize when my son was not welcome (3 husbands wanted my son to live with his drugged up father and that's when the jig was up for THAT marriage). I married my son's father twice - in 2000 because I thought I was dying because I felt so bad. I figured this was the last good thing I could do for my son who was then grown and married. Only God knows our time - I DID NOT DIE. This last marriage cost me well over $40,000 (the last of my 401(k) due to my own ignorance putting all that money in his home which was not in my name although he promised he would put it in our joint names). So foolish even as I aged, I still was a believer of people standing by their word. Of course, he did not put the home in both our names. So I lost that money.

The year 2001 for me: a job reassignment 1/01 I hated; I was told 3/01 I needed a liver transplant but sought two other opinions after liver biopsies. Unexpectedly my Mother entered the hospital and died within 2 weeks of a fast moving cancer 4/01; my home was flooded in 6/01 and I lost every single thing I owned except my animals who hopped up on top of higher furniture. I sold my home to re-invest in husband 5's home. Then 9/11/01 happened.

I was completely emotionally and physically drained and felt totally paralyzed with fear. I could not move. I could not think. I had never had this horrible feeling and finally managed to call in sick to work and then insist on seeing my Dr the next day. I went in to see my pulmonologist with a horrible asthma/panic attacks, anxious and crying (Prozac was the best I was given - something was better than nothing). The Dr told me my liver alone would be enough to classify me as disabled. This was Nov. 2001.

In 2/08 I finally accepted the bipolar 2 and generalized anxiety disorder diagnoses. Until then, I STILL thought it was NOT me.

I pushed myself for decades. I was bipolar as a teen but did not know it - I just thought my actions were me. Many people choose to live in the dark because they don't want to come into the light to admit a problem (ME). Until a person takes the complete time to focus on themselves, nothing but pain/trouble can happen for the bipolar person. My wake-up finally came in 2006 and I finally accepted I needed to see a psychiatrist and that her diagnoses of bipolar 2 and anxiety disorder was on the mark. FINALLY, I GOT IT. It is never too late!

This horrid illness is very individual for everyone in the sense that we are all raised differently, we all take care of ourselves in different ways, we all can have supportive friends/family or not have any one person to support us and we all push ourselves to do things in different ways. We all describe success in vastly different terms.

I would LOVE to return to work one day but until my memory, anxiety, chronic fatigue and thinking is clearer, I know I cannot keep a job for the long haul. I don't know a single person living on disability who likes it. The pay is awful and your life is limited not to mention boring and lonely. You see your doctors and the pharmacist for refills. You may get to know the cashier. Everything on TV I've seen so I read and am learning to crochet! I want to volunteer at my grandson's school to get out of the house to see others. Everyone wants to be productive if only they could keep the job they hired on to do!

Because I waited so long to take care of myself, I wore me down to shreds: I wore down my will, I wore down my body, I wore down my mind. At least this is what my psychiatrist says and I have finally accepted my actions.

We are only human and none of us can do any more than a human being can do! We are examples for our children too so please set healthy boundaries for you and your children. [b]Don't let bipolar own you - you can own bipolar when you take the correct meds and see your doctor regularly! Life happens so quickly and you only begin to realize this as you gain insight by experience.[/b]

Please take time for yourself -- it is OKAY to think of you too. Stop your world if you are spinning out of control but just clinging on. If you need to change doctors, search for one specializing in what you think you need. Insist on tests and don't give in to what one Dr says. I did not have the liver transplant because the two other sarcoidosis specialists said I did not need it! Thank God I had the presence of mind to ask for two more opinions!

I live only for today, one day at a time. Thank you for allowing me to write my story. We all have our stories. I am so glad I have finally received the help I have needed all my life. I finally GET IT.

I thank God for His Saving Grace.