zinnia
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fear sucks. i have found, in reflecting on my past, that when fear dominates; when i'm living in fear, that is when my life goes wrong or simply spins out of control. when i have a witness in court, i know that if i can make them angry, i am really making them scared and if they're scared, they'll do and say stupid things and do my work for me...lol...and we wonder why people hate lawyers. when i represent women who are victims of domestic violence, and i refuse to allow their abusive spouses to treat them poorly in settlement meetings, etc., they get so angry with me. they call me names and just go nuts. that's fear. they're not in control of that person because i take it from them and then they, once again, do my work for me. they often end up scaring their own attorneys. i've been doing this long enough that i know just which buttons to push with those control freaks. i have a fear of crowds. i think it's one of the main reasons i smoke. it gives me an excuse to leave the "party" or group or whatever. there are times when i'm so scared to go to court that i'm physically sick, sweating, etc. i have to do it and no one knows, but it's fake. i look like i'm advocating for someone else and that looks brave, but i'm really shaking in my shoes. BUT-i've decided that even though i have lots of fears, i won't let myself LIVE in fear for one more moment. those abusers live in fear and look what it does to them and everyone around them? look at jim's post about rage...it's all fear. i really think when we get the desire to take our own lives, the root of that is fear. i've decided that hate or indifference are not the opposite of love. fear is the opposite of love. fear is what takes us away from all that is good in us and others. it's what takes the balance away from us individually and from the collective that is humanity. i will be afraid at times and i may even hide, but i won't live there. that's not my house any longer. i will live in love and when i feel fear, i will ask for help or i will force myself to be brave or i will pray or whatever, but i won't stay there. i think bp is all about fear. for all of us who have faced that fear and who refuse to stay in it and live in it, think of how amazing you are? we come here and laugh and talk about it but it is so fucking scary and no one can know how that feels to us, but we are living in love by sharing this site with one another. KUDOS to all of us who REFUSE to live in fear. we live in LOVE. it's the only way. Well behaved women rarely make history.
Thou canst not disturb a flower without the troubling of a star...from "Troubling a Star", by Madelaine L'Engle...we all affect one another by our words and actions...it is our choice whether to do so purposefully and positively, or carelessly and hurtfully...may we all bring to one another the peace that we seek...
"if you want others to be happy, practice compassion. if you want to be happy, practice compassion" the Dahli Laama
Peace-
Zinnia
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