Disability?

I'm new to the board, and a bit freaked out.

I'm 38 and have been struggling--really struggling--with anxiety during the past six to eight months. In the past five years, I've dealt with a virtual smörgåsbord of stress....

It's a long story, but the anti-d meds have only made the anxiety worse. My therapist and primary care physician are beginning to explore bipolar as a possibility. I have an appointment with a shrink in a month, and will do further testing with my therapist's team's lead doctor sometime in the next couple of weeks to see what the diagnosis is. So I don't really know if I am bipolar...but the options--borderline personality and so on--don't sound too pretty, either, and I suspect that I do fall into this camp (albeit without the fabulous manic highs described everywhere...I seem to get the crummy, bitchy irritable kind of mania if I have this...)

It scares the crap out of me. I've been on lexapro and celexa; zoloft and effexor. The meds have made me suicidal, homicidal, ambivalent, exhausted. The going onto the meds has been bad; coming off has been worse. I'm scared to start something new, and really, really ready to throw in the towel.

I have two young kids, tho, and the thought of my awful ex raising them keeps me from pursuing the "towel thrown in" option too vigorously.

My question is first of all: will I survive this? Any words of wisdom to ease the early, uncertain days?

My second question centers on disability... I am on short-term leave from a completely toxic job, and I don't think I can go back there...but I feel so messed up that I can't imagine going anywhere. When people are bipolar (or have mental illness in general), what can they do to support themselves? How does disability work?

Thanks in advance. I really appreciate your thoughts to the newbie.

First and foremost, do not worry. All of the med changing, difficult back and forth, turmoil of these on going trying times have captured all of us in a way that led many of us to feeling homicidal, suicidal, full of anxiety and depressed. We have all been through it, trust me. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

It is quite scary, changing meds and feeling the side effects of the medications, however, with time you start to feel better. It may take a while adjusting but with time, it does get better. I was just on the site not too long ago fearing the same thing and with everyones advice , I took the time to just breath and feel what was coming to me and then letting go of my minds worries. I am now starting to feel better, which is amazing considering before this, I thought I was literally going to die.

The thing with the kids is that if you know you are a good parent, then you have nothing to worry about. They won't just take your kids away and give them to your ex if that is what you are worried about. Find someone close to you whom you can trust to take them if you are worried about not being able to care for them at the time and plan for visits and TAKE CARE OF YOU, that is if thats what you feel you must do.

Ask a therapist or doctor this. As long as you have someone to take care of the kids whom you know will take good care of them, it is okay to take time out for YOURSELF with out the fear of losing your kids to the system or your ex. But you don't have to just throw in the towel and lose your children over it. That may be the biggest mistake in your life and could make your depression worse. Just give it time and take a break to help yourself and things in time will get better.

If you need to , go low income rent and apply for disability or title 19 or both. Low income rent rates are like $30 month or lower everything else already included. Socail Security Disability has now opened it self to people who have Bipolar who can't seem to hold down a job. Just go down to socail security office, tell them you need the papers for disability and there you are starting already. You can get a lawyer at no cost to support you, but it may take years to get on. But you will be paid from the time you first applied.

Start over in life, refresh yourself , and rebuild. But you never have to just THROW IN THE TOWEL! Take Care of yourself!

Good Luck

I can relate very much to what you are going through.

I was first diagnosed 5 yrs ago and they tried to give me anti depressants, and it made me worse.

I did give up, and ended up 5 yrs later, worse than I was.

I also think you don't have to worry about losing your kids. I had those fears, too. I was afraid I would be so nuts, that I wouldn't beable to take care of them, and someone would take them.

I am on meds now, and it took time to find the right ones. I have a therapist and a caseworker, and a pdoc, and this has helped me get my life back on track, after the fall out.

I am also filing for disability, and waiting for an answer, now. I couldn't work, anymore, due to how severe, my symptoms got.

Its just the beginning for me, too. They eventually did find the right meds. I became a participant this time, too. I wouldn't let them use me as a guinee pig. If something didn't work, I would communicate, and I wouldn't let them give me anything that kept me from functioning well enough to take care of my kids. I have 4 kids, and have to beable to keep up with them. I also researched everything about bipolar, and the symptoms, and all the meds, so, I knew what they were giving me .

So, I hope everything gets better, and you hang in there, and let everything calm down, and let the process happen. Its scary at first, but, once it all starts working it is great.

My symptoms are less overwhelming, now. I am a better parent, my life is A whoe lot better, now that, I got help.

I hope this helps, God bless, Gypsy

I don't worry so much about losing the kids, per se...I worry about this stupid illness making the day-t0-day living so difficult that I will wake up one day and just want it to be over. That is how I am worried about my kids living with my ex.

Today, I feel strangely peaceful about it. It's almost a relief. I can't do anything but do what I can. Maybe that means that I can't work anymore. Maybe it means that I get a break from work while the meds are administered.

I am remarried to a wonderful guy who doesn't get this mental illness jazz but is really kind and supportive. I have some backup with the kids and day-to-day living,in other words, but we won't be able to make house payments on his $$$ alone.

I appreciate your support. Thank you.