Bipolar Support Group

I petitioned my live in boyfriend court ordered evaluation following his suicide attempt (gun) early Sunday morning.

He has made verbal threats in the past regarding his intention to kill himself. But this night felt different, what began as a hypothetical discussion quickly escalated into a crisis situation of which I had no resources or experiences to draw from.

We were outside, me, him...and the gun at his side.

I was unable to communicate with him; I breathlessly pleaded and insisted that I would be forever scarred if he did this...His eyes glazed over and his only response to my questions/pleas was to laugh quietly and sarcastically as he looked away from me.

He asked for a cigarette from inside the house, when I said no he loaded the gun...pulled back and pressed the barrel to his right temple.

I ran...fast...and screaming at the top of my lungs...determined not to hear the shot that killed the love of my life. I dialed 911 and told them my boyfriend was gone, then I threw up and passed out.

Well, the gun didn't go off; he mis loaded the clip. He didn't have time to reload before the police pulled into the driveway so he hid the gun; lied to the cops, said he didn't know what the cops were there for. Or why there were anguished screams coming from the upstairs bedroom.

I petioned him to the court for evaluation...and resigned myself to do whatever it took to keep him on this earth...even if he hated me for it.

Now I'm confused...petition's been completed, he will not be court ordered to an inpatient treatment facility. And I don't know what the hell to do.

I learned that night what depths of sorrow I was capable of feeling...I heard my heart breaking, and felt with certainty a depression so acute I can't imagine how anyone could survive the real thing. Problem is, I cannot be his protector, I cannot constantly look over my shoulder to make sure he's there.

But I love him. More than I knew I could.

More than anyone else I love can understand.

To stand with him is to stand away from very close people who believe I'm being manipulated. I cannot tell the difference between love and enabling, I'm terrified of choosing the wrong one...for fear that I'll regret the decision for the rest of my life.

My heart is with him...my mind says to stay, as long as he's willing to plan/execute and be culpable for a treatment plan.

What're my chances?

Hi Me003, does he have family or friends you could enlist to help you talk with him about getting the gun out of the house? I am kinda surprised the cops didn't at least look for the gun, they took my butt into protective custody when I tried to overdose, and did a involuntary admission to the hospital.

As long as that gun is in the house and he is not willing to get help, I hate to say your chances are slim, and next time it might not be him that is looking down the barrel of that gun, it could be you. If he is willing to self check into a hospital to get stabilized and start a treatment program, along with giving someone else that gun to hold, then you can consider staying with him, but otherwise I would get myself the hell out of there, having been through abusive relationships myself, they don't get better, they escalate.

Carmen

can't say it any better than Carmen. good job carmen. Good luck ME003

Good job Carmen! ME003, i agree completly with Carmen 100%. BUT if you decide to stay there or just cant up and leave, first and foremost get that gun out of there! My husbands dr told him NO GUNS EVER in the house it becomes a temptation and is the "easy" thing to grab. From experience, any harm your b/f tries to himself or someone else needs to be reported....YOU need to tell the police that your b/f needs to be evaluated at the hospital and why. I have personally found, if something happens again.....try to stay very very calm...my bp husband used to feed from my emotion. Goodluck

...an update.

It's been a long couple of weeks. Reading my post I realized that details were left out; I hadn't slept for a few days.

The police took the gun..I had to state that my safety was 'threatened' by his actions; this allowed the cops to take the gun and him. He was booked for disorderly conduct - class six felony for a weapon and domestic violence.

Gut-hurt-guilt when I realize I had him arrested to buy time...time to get a court order; he was institutionalized at the county psych facility, I can't imagine how scary that was...he'd exceeded his xanyx by 8x the dosage so he had no idea what happened and how he'd ended up in jail.

I didn't have a choice, not then...I need him to be in this world, even if he hates me for keeping him here.

....So we went to court last Friday, I spoke with the prosecutor as the 'victim' and convinced them to offer a plea for a class 1 misdemeanor and they removed the domestic violence and weapon charge under the condition that he attend anger management classes, regular counseling sessions and, most importantly he had to forfeit of his gun.

He started going to an outpatient substance abuse program and was able to take 30 days off as disability....

He speaks optimistically about HIS/..our future and seems to have sufficient resources to be really proactive about working on his issues; the nature and the nurture..That is if he can be sincere...

Me? Eell, I feel like shit.

Days where I feel like my best friend came back.

Lots of moments where I feel manipulated by his illness and the way it zeros in on my insecurities.

Never certain that I know when I'm being mislead...by him and my heart.

The judgmental anger that appears when the Lamictal has left his system still has the power to make my blood run cold.

I look at myself and wonder; "why the fuck are you trying to take possession of another human being's distorted set of emotions, what makes you think you even have the right to disguise codependency as compassion ?!?"

I am in a similiar situation with my husband. He attempted suicide twice in the last year. Last October when I went to bed he left a note and took our car and drove it to the cematery 1/4 mile from our house. He set the car on fire. It was completely enguffed in flames. From the report I got he was out of the car and called 911 and said help me I want to kill myself I just set the car on fire. My husband has some kind of fasination with fire. He just admitted to me that he also set our shed on fire 2 years prior and I thought it was accidental. In July when me and my kids went on vacation he got drunk and tried to cut his wrists and a friend went there and called 911. It seems he does these things when I'm not around or not giving him all my attention. Perfect example my dad was in the hospital and I stayed there for a night and that was enough for him after 5 months of sobriety to get drunk and depressed and I had to leave my father at the hospital and come home. I feel like a prisoner. It's so difficult with 3 children to make the right choice. He loves the kids that much I am sure of but the fact that In my hearts of hearts I know if I leave with the kids he will 100% kill himself and I feel like if that happens the blame will be on me when my kids are older. I don't know if I can live with the guilt. I know it's his choice not mine. What ever choice I make it's going to be a struggle for the kids him and me. I am scared. I feel so sad for him that he is ill and I wish he would get better. Will he? Any advice would be great. We have a house and I don't want to lose it. It's my kids home. I wish he would just leave me alone and I wish I could have some freedom from this disease. I don't want to turn my back on him. I have to do whats right for the children and me. But if he kills himself how would that be the right choice.....in need please give me any suggestions u can.

is he on medication? if not,get him into a inpatient facility where he can get the help that he so needs, it will give you a break from having to fell like you are walking on eggshells, and he will get the help and directions he needs to stabilize.

Carmen

yes he is. He just got out of inpatient again last week. he's going to therapy. It's seems it's not working! Why? He's been on Lamictal,Risperdal,and Prozac. Inpatient last week they started him on Lithium in addition to his other meds. He has had multiple suicide attempts. I'm scared and confused.

Wow-I could never handle what you ladies are going through I just couldn't do it and still function myself.

I don't think I could either. You are saint-like. We with BPD ask too much of our loved ones. I think most of us wish there were a way that we wouldn't be so much trouble. Hence, the talk of suicide. Speaking for me, I know how much hell I am putting my husband through and if there were any way, I would stop it. I just don't know how. I guess that's why I am here, looking for extra support. I do want to live, most of the time. It's just when I get desperate and my husband is giving up on me, I want all of it to stop. Just stop. And when I am in the middle of an episode, I can't think straight and can't steer away from self-destruction. It's scary. But I know that it is then that I need to be hospitalized and have to completely trust my husband (an object of my paranoia) even though I hate being treated like a child.

Please, make sure you are taking care of yourself, too. Take some time for yourself--it's necessary.