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I petitioned my live in boyfriend court ordered evaluation following his suicide attempt (gun) early Sunday morning. He has made verbal threats in the past regarding his intention to kill himself. But this night felt different, what began as a hypothetical discussion quickly escalated into a crisis situation of which I had no resources or experiences to draw from. We were outside, me, him...and the gun at his side. I was unable to communicate with him; I breathlessly pleaded and insisted that I would be forever scarred if he did this...His eyes glazed over and his only response to my questions/pleas was to laugh quietly and sarcastically as he looked away from me. He asked for a cigarette from inside the house, when I said no he loaded the gun...pulled back and pressed the barrel to his right temple. I ran...fast...and screaming at the top of my lungs...determined not to hear the shot that killed the love of my life. I dialed 911 and told them my boyfriend was gone, then I threw up and passed out. Well, the gun didn't go off; he mis loaded the clip. He didn't have time to reload before the police pulled into the driveway so he hid the gun; lied to the cops, said he didn't know what the cops were there for. Or why there were anguished screams coming from the upstairs bedroom. I petioned him to the court for evaluation...and resigned myself to do whatever it took to keep him on this earth...even if he hated me for it. Now I'm confused...petition's been completed, he will not be court ordered to an inpatient treatment facility. And I don't know what the hell to do. I learned that night what depths of sorrow I was capable of feeling...I heard my heart breaking, and felt with certainty a depression so acute I can't imagine how anyone could survive the real thing. Problem is, I cannot be his protector, I cannot constantly look over my shoulder to make sure he's there. But I love him. More than I knew I could. More than anyone else I love can understand. To stand with him is to stand away from very close people who believe I'm being manipulated. I cannot tell the difference between love and enabling, I'm terrified of choosing the wrong one...for fear that I'll regret the decision for the rest of my life. My heart is with him...my mind says to stay, as long as he's willing to plan/execute and be culpable for a treatment plan. What're my chances? |
