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jodie1973
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Hello, My husband and I split this week, he went home to his parents. Diagnosed with cyclothymia. He has gone off his meds, has been off them for a couple days anyway. I was looking for some input..... I spoke with him today, he is four hours away on a farm. He is driving the tractor, hanging with his brothers, being pampered by his mom....he says he is doing fine without the meds. He says it boils down to the fact that he simply wasn't happy here. But, I myself have dealt with his mania and depression. Could it be related to me and the kids? Could it be that it really was us? Or, is he going to have a real problem in a few days? Is this typical for people with bipolar? Is it possible that he has bipolar, went off his meds, and will be okay, at least for a while? The reason I made him leave is that he is in deep denial about the diagnosis. He wants to blame it on the kids and I, our home, everything in relation to us. I wanted him to get help, go to the hospital, get on some meds that work. But now he is telling me how wonderful he is doing, and how he hated the meds, and he doesn;t think he will ever come home. I am okay with all of that, if it has to be that way. At this point, it would take a blue-eyed miracle for us to get back together and have a happy home. But, i am questioning myself....was it all my fault? What is going on? Does he have bipolar? Will he ever truly desire his family again? I can't say I am all broken up over this, but I am not yet ready to comletely give up if we could make it work. Any insight would be wonderful. |
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bipolarmomma
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Look up bi polar and you will see actor. We are, well I am and my whole family, is known for it. You go to the doctor and you are perfectly fine, even though you know you having been screaming and irrational at home. And I am not speaking of every bipolar person, only of those in denial. Yeah he may act "normal" at his parent's house but don't worry soon its gonna hit hard.You are in NO Way responsible for his disorder, you did not make him crazy. And it might be best to use this opportunity to establish your own home with your children and remove yourself from his life. As long as he is in denial it only gets worse. But I also need to tell the flip side.Him stopping his meds and then going to his parent's house might actually be the thing to spark some change. Let his parents see him in a cycle.Let them experience you day to day existence and you might have some support in getting your husband the help he needs. Either way I wish you the best. BE BLESSED!
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ranb
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Hi Jodie, One thing I know is that every person IS RESPONSIBLE for his life alone. Never take the blame on yourself. As for his sudden ascension - he may glorify the things up: 1. maybe to hurt you - or to prove he's better off without you. 2. Changes can draw to a better situation, until it becomes his natural habitat (give it some time) and the cycles will emerge again (that's why he may blame the external environment rather than his internal ones). One should always look inwards for an answer first. Good luck!
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jodie1973
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I told him exactly what you guys told me. I am so glad that I wasn't wrong. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I told him that right now he is being entertained, no stress, no kids, no bills, no job. The grass always seems greener on the other side, but eventually it needs mowed too....I asked him, what is going to happen if he realizes he is wrong? I was certainly not begging or lowering myself to pleading...no, but I thought it was awful early in this thing for him to burn his bridges and wash his hands of us. Acting is precisely what he is doing. He has superimposed a version of reality that is all his own over the complex and dirty version of reality that is actually what the kids and I have lived. He has wrapped it all in a cute bow of bullcrap, absolved himself, taken pity on hmself, and left me to clean up the pieces. I feel myself getting angry,a nd I don;t want to. Anger is pointless, but I just don;t like being treated like human garbage. I woke up last night and laid in bed with my heart pounding, because he is such a LIAR and he is also the father of my kids and we will never be free of the lies. Once again, I so appreciate the responses. At this point, any advice, words of any kind, I absorb like a sponge and it helps me. Thanks, and I look forward to hearing more..... |
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jodie1973
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I recieved a text message last weekend, my husband was requesting his Paxil. He wanted me to mail it to him. I asked him if he was okay, and he said yes, but if he does need it at some point, he would like to have it available. I told him i would mail it to him. At this point, 2 weeks later, he appears very happy, sounds stable and normal on the phone, and has no plans to come back home or isn;t even really considering it. I must say it hurts a bit to be thrown out with the bathwater that "was" his illnes. He called me today at work to tell me he was sending money and things for the kids. I went into the bathroom and sobbed like a baby. He mad em miserable, so I don't know what me deal is. I guess I just feel like he has asociated me with all of his problems and it hurts. |
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bipolarmomma
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Patience honey Patience. It will all come out. I know your feelings right now suck. But patience. The simple fact that he is asking for his meds shows that something is wrong with him NOT YOU> otherwise wouldn't you be the one taking the meds. And again I repeat ACTOR. it is easier for anyone much less a bipolar person to blame things on others. CRY CRY CRY there is nothing wrong with crying or your feelings of self blame. Again I say Patience cause I can't think of anything else. Still believe me when I say that bipolar will rear its ugly head and his family is going to flip. I have been through this with two family members. BE BLESSED!
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carmen33
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I have to agree with all that the others have said, it's him not you, blaming others I believe is a human trait not only those of us with this illness, it's easier to blame others than have to really take a good look at ourselves. You are in no way to blame for what he has done or is doing, be good to yourself and strong for your kids. Reality is going to whack him upside the head and he will show his true colors, family also has a habit of blaming others outside the bloodline, let them get a taste of what you have had to deal with all along. Counseling can help both you and the kids deal with this. Carmen
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jodie1973
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Thank you Bipolarmomma and Carmen33. This is a very difficult thing for me to understand. I guess I still clung to the childish notions of right and wrong, good and bad, and hoped that my husband would miss his family and want to get real help for himself so that we could be a real family. It's hard for me to understand this notion of him being so awful, and obviously bipolar here with us, and the appearance that he is some sort of reborn, uber person there. I am trying to relate that to the utterly depressed, angry, manic, drunken man that lived here. I knwo you guys say he is maybe acting, he is in a lull before a storm. Am I supposed to hope he has a crash? I am so confused as to what even to want or hope for anymore. Separation, potential divorce, is hard at the best of times, and his problem is adding facets to it that are making it very difficult for me. On the phone yesterday he was so upbeat and impersonal. I wonder why he even called. You can put things in the mail without calling ahead. I just don't get it. I am trying to stay in the moment, not think too much about tomorrow, trust and have faith that this will all work out to plan, whatever that plan is. |
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carmen33
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Hey Jodie, it is hard to understand when a relationship goes south, even harder when you have this illness in the mix, one downside to relationships is that we let people get close and they learn what buttons to push to get us going. Its going to be like trying to suck a basketball through a straw but don't let him get to you, you are in no way responsible for his behavior , there is nothing wrong with you, you did nothing wrong, hoping he has a crash, as we know isn't a good thing,but revenge is something that all humans desire at sometime or other. something that I have always felt is that if we love someone then we have to be able to let them go too. Not always just for their own good, but for ours too. Things will work out,maybe not the way that you want them too, or hope that they do, but eventually you will find the strength to carry on, and the hurt will ease. Hang in there, as much as I hate the AA saying, but it is true, "This too shall pass" Carmen |
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Laur
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Hi Jodi- I understand your doubt. This is what my husband says to me too: "YOU are crazy not ME!" Thank God I have adult children who lived with him. They and our teenage daughter almost act as (witnesses?)for me. Telling me:"Mom, something is wrong with HIM not YOU!" It upsets me that our teenage daughter feels this way about her Dad. But we all catch him in lies, he has even shoplifted, overspends, giggles inappropriately and then flares off the handle as well, binge drinks weekends. He has fallen drunk in the yard & blamed a patch of grass, he has fallen drunk in the shower & blamed me for not buying a tub mat. I get sarcastic with him (Hey you can buy all kinds of usless crap, you want a tub mat go buy it yourself!) Then he swears these things never happened. So whenever you start to doubt yourself, just think about his past episodes and you'll know its BP |
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