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shay
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Help!! I can't do this anymore! I'm a wife and a mom of three young children. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, errands, appointments, finances and I work more than 40 hours a week outside of the home. On top of that I have to devote quality time to my husband and children, paying attention to thier feelings and needs lest they get angry with me. I'm also considered disabled from bipolar disorder and can barely control my moods. My family doesn't even care that I've been hospitalized 5 times in 3 years, they all just lie around and make me do everything for them. I'm so depressed and yet I still have to keep doing all that I do or no one will eat or have clean clothes and the bills will not be paid. I beg for help all of the time but no one makes any effort to help out. I know I'm going to end up in the hospital again soon if I can't get some help. If that happens I'll lose my job for sure and our already shaky financial situation will completely collapse. I feel like I can't go on, there's nothing I can do to make my husband and children see what I am going through. Everything is going to fall apart, starting with me. What can I do? -Shay |
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norma
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Dear Shay, you might want to look into joining some of us in the Co-dependent group....but, to answer your question...just stop. Don't worry about what people will think. Give jobs to hubby and kids. Even a 3 yr old can have chores. Go on strike...nicely...that will really scare them. Have it all worked out. You cannot do this alone...they have to get up off of their you-know-whats and help. All you are teaching the kids is to have a slave...and you are the slave. "In the time of your life, live-so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but, shall smile to the infinite variety and mystery of it." William Saroyan
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norma
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You like sports right...well a family is a team. And if you are organized in exactly what is expected of each player they will fall into line. You are the coach...get hubby to help with planning...make it fun. Don't get mad just have family meeting with charts, and jobs assigned...give positive reinforcement...no tv or video games or whatever they are into until jobs are done...take charge. "In the time of your life, live-so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but, shall smile to the infinite variety and mystery of it." William Saroyan
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morningglory/oldglory
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Shay, if you are only 30, your children can't be old enough to be sadddled with things like paying the bills or cooking the meals, or running errands if those errands are done away from the home. It has to be really tough for you, but you cannot throw them into the mix of thoughtlessness with your husband. I am first and foremost a child advocate, it doesn't mean that I don't feel your pain and frustration, but I have to mention the kids because they seem to be, hurting you too, in your mind. Have you assigned the kids jobs? They can't do it if they don't know what to do. You have got to have some help, I know. I am amazed that you say you are disabled but work 40 hrs a week. It is too much, Shay. You are going to have to put your foot down with your husband. You are going to burn out from doing it all and have nothing left to do anything. You can't just cry about it, that won't help anything. Put that energy and concentration into figuring out how to better the situation. I, if it were me, would be leaving hubby's laundry right where he leaves it. I would be cooking for me and the kids and let him eat whatever he can fix for himself. He is only doing to you what you let him do to you, Shay. As long as you continue to do everything, you will be EXPECTED to do everything. You must take your psych meds, talk with your therapist, and work on loving yourself instead of feeling sorry for yourself. I think I hear a tone in your voice that says you would almost relish going into the hospital just to get away from it for a while. Shay, that is never the answer cause the same problems will be there when you come home. You have to stay right there and make it bearable for yourself. PM me anytime for support or just to talk, Shay, but you must stop abusing yourself. Gloria |
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jenn14
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Shay thats rediculous!!! You are not being respected or appreciated!! The only way that will happen is for you to put your foot down, NOW!! Have a serious conversation with your hubby, then with your children THEN STOP. Yep, just STOP. You can wash clothes for YOU and your 3yr old thats it. Who cares then if your hubby is in dirty clothes. Thats his problem. If he wants them clean then HE can wash them. If you have the talk and then just keep doing everything-nothing will change. Let it all go to pot. Maybe then they'll learm MOM is not the maid. PS...shame on your husband too considering your BP dx and the fact that you work full time and have been hospitalized before. Thats bullcrap. YOU have to STOP it. Hell, go take vacation ALONE if you have to. Anything you can do to make them realize that you are not putting up with it anymore. You must regain respect from your children and your husband must give it and demand it for you as well. Big hug for you!!! |
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Shay- WOW! Just WOW! I don't even know where to start. I think maybe you should hold a family meeting. Let everyone know you're overwhelmed and you feel like you're losing the picture. Look your husband straight in the eye and tell him you can't do this alone anymore. You are giving them fair warning that if things don't change, YOU WILL. I like Jenn's idea...Do for you and the baby, everyone else can figure it out for themselves. When I felt like this (and believe me not anywhere near the degree that you feel like this) I started with the kids. To my surprise they LOVED the charts with chores. Every week that they were good they got small rewards. Kids like structure, really they do. Even the three year old can pick up toys and put them in a box! I wish you all the best. I won't comment on the husband thingy because it makes me so damn mad I would say something that would be pretty cruel and that's not why you came here...I don't think? |
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Gypsy
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Hi Shay, I am thinking about how, I would feel in your situation. I had a fiance like that. I had three kids at that time.He complained about how, I folded his clothes. I told him he could fold his own clothes from then on. I went to work, and I came home the first week after work and the house was a mess. I quit my job. He was working, too. I figured If, I worked a job, and had to come home, and work some more. What was the point. When he left, It was so nice to just have me and my kids to take care of. Now I have a current boyfriend, and he tried to lay around, and not help out, too. I finally blew up, and told him all about it. I was disgusted. He now helps out alot.We now have 4 kids. We have always made my kids do chores. My two year old can do stuff, too. Now when my fiance tries to cop out, I have a little talk with him. It works out very well. I am disabled from bipolar, too. I am just amazed that you are allowing this to go on. Is your husband working? Have you filed for diability? I would have told him where to shove it along time ago.If you are the one working, and doing all the work, what is he doing there? God Bless,Gypsy
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norma
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Gypsy, you make a great point. Kids can help. Shay, it gives kids a sense of ownership and responsibility to help. It is healthy for them. As for hubby, he might just need to see kids helping to realize that he needs to also.... I was raised in a generation that the men never helped. It was not manly. Now, we fought that revolution in the 60's. Burned our bras and got some liberation for women to speak up. Your generation has to carry on the torch...can't go back....so the next generation will do even better...hugs to you and hoping you find some help from family. Norma "In the time of your life, live-so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but, shall smile to the infinite variety and mystery of it." William Saroyan
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dragonfly2catch
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shay ,you are the only one that can stop the madness you are allowing these people to do this to you..maybe you dont see it but its true you deserve help why dont he work or does he? the kids can help mommy if mommy teaches them too so take some of the time you spend bein angry and teach them something good. as far as hubby goes i would feed the kids and be done with it i would wash the kids clothes and be done with it you are not his mom you need to take care of you but dont be so hateful if you are not willing to stop the maddness. be blessed :~dragonfly |
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