How to deal with addicts

My daughter has been fighting addiction for some time now and I really had hope for her this time. She had 45 days clean and went out and used. I am very disappointed because one bad day and she can break like that. Of course she is in the court system and she is going thru recovery court.

After her dirty drop, she had to report to the court officer in the morning and they were in the process of issueing a pickup warrant at the time we got there. Of course the idea of recovery court isn't to jail them unless that is the last option but she had ran from this for a year and with the drop and the call from her sponsor saying that she is out of control they thought that she might not come in. She was going to be placed in a recovery home locally but of course I didn't think that this is going to work for her. She has to many connections here and she is too weak and vulnerable at this time. She just got started on her meds on the 1st for her bipolar disorder so she isn't stable.

Good news is that she is not in jail right now but she has been sent away to a recovery home so that she is not in a familiar environment. I have seen this with a couple of my siblings and they both have years of sobriety under their belts now. I like knowing that she is in a safe place right now. I don't have to worry about the dreadful call saying that they have found her dead. She isn't allowed contact with anyone except her son for the first 60 days that she is there. I know that it can't be easy but I do understand that she has to shut out the outside world and focus on getting her addiction and the bipolar disorder under control.

I am struggling with the fact that I understand all this but I feel as if I failed her and maybe if I had gotten my diagnosis sooner it may have been different for her. Maybe if my home wouldn't have been dysfunctional and alcoholic (father) it would have been easier for her. My regrets run so deep right now. I just don't know how to deal with the addictions, I have never been there and don't understand it. I was never one that self medicated to any extreme but chose to live in my own hell. By doing that, my kids had to live in that hell with me. I can't change the past but I have tried to fix all the wrongs that I can fix. What more can I do?????

She is getting the help she needs. And you are growing stronger. I would suggest concentrating helping raise the grandchild and most of all be good to yourself. You have the future which is fresh and new. It is waiting for you. Leave the past behind, only remembering it to learn from it. But, don't dwell on it. hugs, Norma

I am sorry that you are going through this. I am a recovering alcoholic, and addict. I was just like your daughter. My parents had a really hard time, too. I have a son, now, that has bipolar disorder. I can now help him with his disorder, because of mine., and my experience with getting help, and learning about this illness.

I know that addiction is similar to bipolar. She has to hit bottom, and make a decision for herself to get help. It is not your fault. She uses drugs, because she has a disease, that makes her think she needs chemicals to make her feel better. I used to escape reality, and cover up my emotions. My dad is an alcoholic, and bipolar, and I was the only one that ended up with both. My brothers are normal, and my sister is normal.

My mom was an excellent mother. She tried to get me help as soon as she could. What helped me, was my mom never gave up on me. She stayed in contact. I was able to feel comfortable asking for help. She didn't enable me, by giving me stuff when, I was using drugs, but, when, I was sober, she would help me. My parents set boundaries, too. They also let me know how they felt about what, I was doing to myself. Through my denial, I heard them, and when I was at the end , and ready to stop, I remembered everything, they told me. It didn't matter whether my dad had problems or not, I still listened to him. He is the one that saved my life the last time, I was in jail. He was going to bond me out, and decided not to, because he knew if he did, I would go right back to the drugs. They took care of my kids, when, I was in jail.

If you want to know more, there is a lot of info on addiction on the web.

There is also Naranon, and Alanon. They are for family of addicts, and alcaholics.

Gypsy, I have participated in alanon and they have helped me to a degree. Boundaries have been set and I have stuck to them. I won't assist her when I know that she is using. When she decided to get clean this time I told her that I would assist with her personal care, cigarettes, and some of the program cost because if she isn't making payments she can be violated and put in jail. I thought that she was lucky that I can squeeze the eagle shit out of a quarter, or there would be no way for me to pull this off. I just don't think that her main focus would be trying to find and maintain a job when she is fighting so hard just to stay sober. She has been looking for work but it hasn't been an easy task because she has a felony drug charge on her record.....

The upside to dealing with the court is that they do recognize her mental illness and have incorporated that into her recovery plan. She can't let that fall by the wayside as they expected a year ago.

I have had her father, OMG, say that I shouldn't let her see her child....He is in recovery now and should understand this more than I do. I can't refuse to let her see her child. She is still his mother and even being addicted doesn't change the fact that she loves him. I did set heavy restrictions such as she can't come drunk, high, or take him from the home. Other than that she is welcome to visit at any time that will not effect his sleep schedule.

Her son, I have told him that she is sick. There is no other way for me to explain this to a child. He knows that he is living with me because she is too sick to take care of him. Some think that I am lying to this child but because it isn't physically doesn't mean that she isn't ill.

For my daughter, I feel her pain. I know how tormented a person can feel when they are not being treated for the Bipolar disorder. She hasn't really had the time to see if the meds that they have her on are going to work. I did get to spend a couple hours with her before she was moved and she is prepared to address both addiction and mental illness together. I think that she has seen that I have come so far since my diagnosis and that I continue with the therapy and meds because I know the hell I will be in if I don't. Therapy can be painful when you first start but it helps. Without feeling that pain, I don't feel that a person will achieve the goals that they have set by going into therapy. I explained to her that she has to bare her soul, be honest and hold nothing back in order to actually get the help.

I won't hear from her for the first two months. Don't even have an address to send things to her. I do have the womans phone # so that I can make arrangements to drop off the things that she needs here in town and they will take them to her. This has eased my mind for the time being because I don't have to sit and worry about her getting the wrong street drug and dying. Maybe I will sleep a little better knowing that she is in a safe place........

The program that she is in, the motto is that you come in dependant and leave independant. She will not be allowed calls for the first 60 days, except a 10 minute call per week to her child. This program is long term and last 6 months to a year. She will be required to find a job among other things. I do have more faith in the long term programs because I have seen it work within my family. I know that she wants to recover but she is struggling very hard with it. I don't know if it is because her drug of choice is cocaine or not. I know that out on the streets they consider her a "tester". She will try anything once. That scares me to think that a person can do that.

God has to have a plan for this child of mine. She will find her way at some point. She really needs to put it in his hands for now......

You are doing great with your daughter. I had my ex take my kids when, I went to jail. My oldest son eventually went to my mom's house. I also feel that she should be able to see her son. I had to get my life together before, I got my kids back. At first, I was a mess. After a while, I got healthier, and was ready. There are some programs here in Idaho, that are like the one your daughter is in. They are pretty good.

I have a couple of friends who have graduated from them.

There is something called Mental Health Court here. It's a recovery program for people with mental illnesses. A dual diagnosis program.

I am so glad your daughter is safe. It is so hard to watch your child suffer. My son is 10, and has bipolar. He started doing illegal stuff. I was so scared for him. I have had a rough childhood, and ended up in jail. I was so afraid that he would end up having to suffer like me. I went through the guilt, too. I realized it was not my fault, that it is an illness, and that, I can only do the best, I can by getting him help now. You are doing the best you can by taking care of your grandson, and being an example, by taking care of yourself. You mentioned god?

I believe, that with out god, I wouldn't be here today. Prayer is the most powerful tool.

Her sponsor has been awesome thru this and she got the ball moving before my daughter even had the dirty drop. She saw her falling and knew that she needed something more intense. I am so thankful that my daughter found her. I don't even know how to thank her for what she has done for my daughter....