BP insight please

I just don't know how much of his behavior my husband is aware of, and therefore I don't know how much to chalk up to BP. Some evidence points to the BP brain having no awareness, but lately I've been reading BP points of view that seem to express that even through their darkest hours, they're aware of their own behavior to some degree.

I say this because it kills me when I read things like BP people think their loved ones leave because they didn't love them ENOUGH, and I hate to think for my own husband to believe that, because it's not the truth and I would do (almost) anything for him.

I can put up with A LOT. And I have. But it doesn't seem to be enough, because I draw the line at what I consider abuse.

I'm trying to figure out what to say to get him to realize I want to help him and that I'm here for him and I would do anything, but he's so bent on believing that I'm the enemy.

Bipolar talk is off the table - he won't hear one word of it. Fine.

But if I wait for him to "come down," what do I say THEN? He's in major denial.

BP's, any advice on what broke through to you? Is rock bottom truly necessary? And what is rock bottom? I don't think my leaving is enough of a blow for him. For one thing, since he's not convinced I love him enough anyway (it's never enough), he's the one engineering my exit himself. So, I'm gone -- that'll teach him!! Ha! Far from it - he thinks good riddance.

The only kind of "love" he accepts or recognizes is unconditional, one-way in his direction. He doesn't feel like his actions are abusive at all, and hence, when I bring them up, it must mean I don't love him enough if I can't overlook them.

So sad. So the BP's who HAVE gotten better ... what makes you realize? What gets through to you? I don't think he'll ever get to the point where he's homeless or loses his job, etc. He seems to function OK except in intimate relationships.

If he gets himself an enabler -- likely, since in the future he'll probably avoid anyone even remotely with a backbone -- he could be "fine."

So - before the moment of impact in this plane crash, any words, thoughts, triggers, moments of realization that might make it through - whether in his current state or when he comes back down?

Also, it's easy to leave when he's heaping abuse on me. How to turn my back on him when he seems to have no idea why and is truly bewildered. He just think I don't love him. Which is far from the truth. Thoughts and advice, insight, greatly appreciated.

I've been going strong - it's been relatively easy because he's been abusive - but today I saw a glimpse of my guy who I love and now I'm feeling vulnerable.

Add: I have also read a lot of comments about how the BP person has to get rid of toxic influences in his or her life - well, I agree, none of us should be around that! But what to do when his judgment call of what is toxic or not is skewed? Right now, he thinks I'm toxic because I won't allow him to abuse me. Also I just read the saddest tale of someone who had been through a horrible ordeal and didn't want the person who helped her through it around her, because it reminded her of her previous situation, and she couldn't stand the reminder. How sad for the helper! The person who didn't want her around said she had always been there for her and in fact probably saved her life. A fine line to walk, I guess, between his needs and mine. It seems one of us will be destroyed and one saved and no matter how you slice it. Sad, sad, sad.

Post edited by: mbrento, at: 04/08/2008 22:45

This is my experience. Each person with bipolar will have another story of their own. I have had bipolar since, I was 10 yrs old.

I started self medicating when, I was 11 yrs old. I found my medicine. fill the void. I was brought to a psychologist when, I was 14 yrs old. He said, I was depressed. I went on to go to treatment when, I was 16 yrs old. I got sober, and still had anger issues, and was not in reality. I chased men, and moved from place to place. I became a hippy at 18yrold. All of this fit with my mania. I would travel, be an extra vert, and then go and hide out. I never saw any of this as a problem. I would adjust my life to what ever group, I joined. I would sabatage my situation, and move on to another.

I always avoided my illness. At 23yrs old, I got sober, again. I started having serious depression, and then mania. I would go from man to man. I had 2 jobs back to back, and they were a year long.

I would have symptoms, but, thought, I was psychic...LOL.

I would hallucinate, and hear stuff, and get paranoid, but, thought it was my psychic gifts. There was always a reason for my symptoms.

At 25, I got pregnant. This is when it started getting bad.

I thought it was hormones. Then, I had my baby, I would go through rages, and have the cops called on me. I thought it was post partum depression. I went to counseling, and took herbs. They said I had depression again. We then moved. I went to another state. I was trying to run from it, again.I then had another baby. My fiance at the time, and I fought, and I would be in emotional turmoil the whole time we were together. I was a perfectionist, and moody. I then got pregnant again. We moved again. I started having rages, again. We both thought we were psychic at this point. We thought it was hormones. We moved, again. He had a hard time keeping jobs, so, I blamed him. I finally hit a full episode. I was angry, and could not calm down. I finally dropped, and hit the suicidal thinking.

I went to jail. I went to counseling, and had to have a psych eval.

They said, I had severe depression. I decided to smoke pot instead.

I went back to self medicating. I got pregnant again. I went into rages, again. My fiance finally left me.

I was devistated. I still couldn't see why he left me. I was dillusional. I went into a severe depression. After the baby was born, I hit the drugs, and alcahol really hard. A year later, I ended up in jail, again. I almost went to prison, and lost my kids.

Why, am writing all of this, is because, no matter what happened, and how severe the consequences were, I could not see, that it was insane. When, i got put on probation, I got sober, again, and got my kids back. I was given a psych evel, again, and was officially diagnoed with bipolar, and given meds. I tried a few, and got fat, and didn't like the side effects, so, I stopped taking them.

The next 5 yrs were crazy. I got with my current fiance, and we fought all the time. He had problems, so, I blamed him. I was told my issues were alcaholism. I worked my program as hard as I could. I had another baby 2 yrs ago. I blamed it on my fiance, and my being pregnant. This was 25 yrs of running from my mental illness. I have had three relationships, where I was a psycho b*&%ch from hell.

I have 4 kids. I have tried to work for 5 yrs, and could not keep a job longer than 3 months. Finally 3 triggers hit me at once. My son was at risk, my fiance had a chronic illness, and I had to leave another job. I hit a really bad depression. I had no desire ti do anything. I gave up. I then started having episodes daily. I then had the same kind of episode, that, i had had 8 yrs before. My life flashed before me, and I was willing to get some help. My P.O told me, I was about to crack. I loved my P.O. He gave me a referral to counseling, and a pdoc.

How, I knew, I was done was when, I was about to put my kids, and fiance, through the same hell, I put, my ex, and kids threw 7 yrs before. I also prayed, when, I would get suicidal. I think got lead me to help. I think I had to get to a place, where, I had nothing left to blame it all on. I was acting like that even though, I was doing really well. I was acting like this when my fiance hadn't even done anything. It also helped, that a few of my friends had bipolar.

It wasn't as scary. I was mad, when, I was told, I was bipolar, but, relieved once, I got on meds. When, I got on meds, I couldn't believe, I suffered for so long. I had no idea how sick, I was.

It's like living in the matrix. You don't know what's real.

Anyway, that's my story. I hope, I helped answer your question, a little.

When he is back to 'normal' he is very apologetic, logical, and reasonable. These were the only times I could get him to even remotely acknowledge he has a problem. It was during one of these phases that he actually did go to a psychiatrist and get diagnosed bipolar 5 years ago.

However, shortly after, he was on his way back up again, and the doctor was 'stupid and doesn't know anything and he's not gonna take any damn pills!'

He also had an appt. last October after putting us all thru months and months of bad behavior, was ok for a brief period, agreed to see a doctor again, but took a turn for the worse and refused to even GO to that doctor a few days befor the appointment. It was at that point I admit I gave up on our marriage.

So my ex never had to hit 'rock bottom'. For him, his reality about his situation comes and goes like the waves.

We had to catch the right waves to get to doctor appts. and damage control of things he did while manic.

He too can hold a job and therefore thinks there can't possibly be any problem with himself, it is all me.

But over the years he has lied, forged, spent way too much, shoplifted, and drank way too much, and has changed his mind over & over whether he loves me or can't stand me so many times I had to build a protective wall and not care one bit about his opinions.

I am a bit lonely and of course I pine for the 'good times' we shared , but roughly it was a pattern of 4 months good, 8 months bad for many many years.

My life is very relaxed now.

The nervousness and negative energy is out of my house now that the divorce is over and he moved out.

My sons' girlfriend was down for the weekend and she even mentioned how the house is so peaceful and calm now.

The one thing I am very sad and sorry about is the fact that he would never even try medication just once.