When The Only One That Truly Cares is Me (Venting)

My journey, while short in time, feels like a lifetime. My BP Fiance is killing me emotionally. This is not a fun coaster, and God knows I love a good ride, but this one has me wishing that the strap holding me down will break away and I will somehow fly off of the coaster and land on my feet, unhurt. I know, wishful thinking. Okay, here we go again!

Background: Been with BP Fiance for 10 months now. His past is a little extensive, and I would rather not put his business out there, but you only know him as my BPF, so what harm can it do?

BPF had a relationship prior to me that produced 2 children (sons, ages 14 and 12). BPF was only a teenager himself when this relationship began. BPF engaged in drug dealing and using cocaine and drinking heavily and was in and out of youth detention facilities. Decided that this was not the life for him and wanted to enter the Police Academy, however, BPF's ex said that the money was too good and how could he take that away from them when she was pregnant with number 2. BPF was then arrested multiple times, resulting in a 9 year prison stay. While down, BPF learned that his ex was seeing other men and the children were calling another man dad. BPF has 3 sisters living in our City, as well as one brother. Sister "Evil" relied on BPF's ex to babysit her children all the time so that she could go party, and only maintained a relationship with the Ex for that purpose. Sister Evil overlooked what the Ex was doing to her own brother because she had a personal gain.

BPF's ex came back into the picture a year before BPF was to be released. BPF re-established this relationship for the sake of his boys and made it known that this is why he was going back to her. After a little more than 2 years with her, the cycle that was there before the incarceration, returned. Alcohol, Dirty D and BPF trying to get back what he lost in all those years.

Sister Evil had a relationship with BPF's old street friend and partner in crime (literally) "Dirty D." Dirty D stuck by BPF during his incarceration and hoped that when he got home they would pick up where they left off. Many, many women, alcohol, bars, hotel rooms, etc. Sister Evil and Dirty D had an off and on relationship for 13 years. Now they are back together and engaged to be married and BPF is to be the best man. Mind you, this relationship between SE and DD just evolved again in the last 4 months.

Sister "Martar" is considered the wise sister and has a whole lot to say. The family looks up to her, rightfully so, she seems to be their strength. Both mother and father passed away while BPF was down and Sister Martar was there to be the strong one and subsequently took on the role of Mom in the family. She is educated, has a wonderful career and is a single mother.

Sister "Wow" just goes with the flow. She is the bandwagon sister and whatever everyone else is doing, she does too. She is late 30s, early 40s and is having a baby after having a tubal reversal. Baby due in June.

Brother "Man" thinks everyone is just plain funny. His Fiance just had their first son about a month ago and that is where his focus is. His family. But the drama is too good to pass up. I must admit, if this shit wasn't happening to me personally, I would be trying to DVR the event so I didn't miss anything!

The break up between BPF and the Ex was dramatic. The relationship was very physical and then she was put out last summer. By September, I moved in. I had been in a long-term relationship prior to this and we were separating too. I moved in at BPF's insistance, because if I didn't it must be because I didn't want to break ties with my ex because I stayed in the joint home with the children. I gave in, because I was already in love with him and wanted to "prove" to him that I was for real about us.

Sister Martar wasn't too pleased. BPF didn't hear the end of how could he do that to the mother of his children. No matter what went down between BPF and his ex, he should have stuck with her.

BPF's Ex NEVER had a relationship with Sisters or Brother. BPF's Ex would only call to "tell on him" when he was disappearing on his alcohol binges. Family laughed, after all, this was "him" always.

Past several weeks have been a nightmare for me. Every weekend has become a disappearing act. The family now calls him "Houdini" and they all laugh about it. The Family will conference call eachother and if he doesn't answer the phone, they will all leave him a voice mail message laughing and joking about what a mess he is. They will say things like "did you and the ex have fun last night?" because they know that I will hear it. They want me to hear it. In the meantime, I am worried that he was so intoxicated that he crashed his car, is dead, or in jail. They know that this has been his behavior and aren't the least bit worried about his well-being.

Sister Martar and I had a conversation last weekend. It pretty much went like this: "He is doing to you what he did to his ex. If you want to be with him, this is what you get. Our father was a working alcoholic that got himself into some trouble and incarcerated. Since he no longer had the booze, it was learned and subsequently diagnosed that dad was bipolar and schitzophrenic. BPF exhibits all of the same symptoms, but he never got help. I tried to help and he would never show up. I lost money from work, time, and patience. He is a grown man that should do for himself. If he really needs me I am here, but he is not serious." I tell her that I didn't know about his past. She says that the family has been dealing with this since BPF was 13 and they are used to his behavior, it doesn't affect them. I told her that I live with him, that I see it all and that I love him, he loves me and she said, "oh, there isn't that much love in the world." She also said that it comes back on me because of how our relationship came to be, that I was almost deserving of this treatment.

I feel like everytime I am around his family they laugh at me. I am a cruel joke, like they can see him destroying me emotionally and they are having a good time with it. His family tells him that he should go back to the ex because she let him drink and go out and who was I to stop him from being a "man."

The past three weeks has been worse. He has gambled away paychecks, made large purchases behind my back on a credit basis, not paid rent, or other things. I understand that the majority of this behavior relates to his BP. He has his very first appointment tomorrow night at 5 p.m.

He didn't come on Friday night, he came home Saturday night to sleep off the alcohol, got up Sunday to move furniture for Sister Martar, went to Sister Evil's engagement dinner (without me, because I am fed up with all of this), and never came home. He turned off his phone last night (at his family's instruction), I went to bed ALONE, again. He told me on Saturday that the family gave him an ultimatum, that he should leave me because his ex needs him. Interestingly, his two children love me and my boys. They were all friends before this relationship came about. His 14-year-old seems disgusted by him. Tells him to stick with me because when he is with me he is happier and "he doesn't drink." Sad when your son feels that way. Dirty D said to him that he would "cut him off" if he didn't come to the dinner, Sister Evil was overheard by my son while on the phone with BPF's son that "he is in bed with Ex, why don't you just leave him alone (ha ha)." Sister Evil, Dirty D and Ex live next door to each other. This has become their mission, to drive a wedge.

Here is my take on it. They don't believe in him. He tells me after they laugh at him about his drinking problem and bipolarism that "I will show them all." He tells me that they consider him the black sheep, that he seems to be the only one that messes up. He cries all the time about how much he loves me and can't lose me, that I am his angel, his backbone and that with me he feels safe and that everything will be okay. He hates what his family is doing (he told me this). He feels that they don't want him to be happy. He commented that he believes that his family is having a hard time with the relationship because they never saw him behave in a positive and responsible way before me. That I must be controlling him or something, but he tells them that he is in love with me and has never been in love with anyone else. That is the difference. Again they say, "there isn't enough love in the world."

He is killing himself with alcohol. I see all the signs of cirrhosis. My mother passed at age 49, less than 2 years ago because of it. I spent 6 weeks in ICU watching her die until we moved her to hospice, and that lasted one day. I refuse to relive that event. It is unfair for me and my children to watch him do what she did.

He tells me that he would disown his family for me, but that he fears that I will abandon him and then he will have no one. I would never want him to disown his family. Why does that have to be one of the choices? Why do they give him an ultimatum? Sister Martar has her own life and gave me the impression that BPF is just a burden and isn't responsible enough, Sister Evil is just Evil, and Dirty D wants him to go out to hook up with other girls, Sister Wow is ready to have her own baby, Brother Man just had a beautiful son, so where in their busy lives are they going to have time for BPF? When I am gone, he will be alone at family functions. Everyone will be loving and caring within their own, and he will sit there alone with no one. He questions why they do this. I don't have that answer for him.

This morning, when he called me, I told him that he would never hear my voice or see my face again. He told me not to say that. He asked me to please be at his first appointment tomorrow, because he says that he won't be honest about his behavior because to him he sees it as normal, that he has been this way and this is all he knows.

I was always willing to stick this out with him. To be his strength when he needed me. He is afraid that I will leave him because of his mental illness. I used Norma's interpretation (I think it was Norma), where BP was compared to Diabetes. I told him, "look, this is what God gave you, so we will deal with it as long as you can be honest about it and want to deal with it. It won't go away, it will only get worse."

I am scared for him if he doesn't follow through. I WANT to be there for him tomorrow.

So why is it that I feel like I am the only one that cares about what happens to him? Why didn't he ask Sisters or Dirty D to be there? They care, right?

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What you have just described has so many levels. WOW!!!! No wonder your head is reeling at times. There is so much more than just bipolar disease going on in this group.

My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. You can also, PM me anytime...to vent. I have been where you are and finally got out of it....crazy years!!!

Hugs, Norma

Wow!! That is a lot. It looks like your boyfriend has been going at this for along time. It doesn't look like he is going to stop, anytime soon.

His family enables him to keep doing this. It also looks like he is having his cake, and eating it, too. It also looks like his family knows his pattern, and is hardened by it. He is leaning on you to make it better, but, all the love in the world will not make him better. He has to hit a bottom, and stop for himself.

I have been clean and sober for 5 yrs, and have friends who have been in prison.It's the people, that are really serious about their recovery who make it. Those, who are still attached to their dysfunctional families, and old friends don't make it. It's called dysfunctional loyalty. My boyfriend did 7 yrs. He also had Hep C. He used anyway inspite of him being sick. He is now 8 yrs clean, and sober.

There is a group called Alanon. It's a support group for family of alcaholics. There is also Naranon. They are online if you are interested.

I know it's hard to see your loved ones sick, and killing themselves. My dad is doing the same thing. His family laughs it off, too. I have learned from my recovery, and my being on probation, and going to classes for criminal thinking, is that it is serious, and dangerous. Having untreated bipolar, and drugs,and alcahol,and paroles in the same mix is very dangerous. He could go back to prison. He will probably get way worse.

Look into the future. Do you want to live this out with him, and be a prison wife? Do you want to be his ex? If you have watched your mother die from alcaholism, why would do want to watch him? You had no power over your mother, why do you think you can love him into getting help.

I think you have gotten yourself into a big mess, too. You don't have to fight his battle, or be the hero. Put you, and your boys first, get some help for you, and let go. This is a fight you wont win.

I have a friend who is just getting out of a relationship with a man who is still playing the game. They have a baby, and he took the baby from her, because she was using, and he himself is still full into the game. That baby is being drug through his crazy life. If he is holding. I mean has drugs on him, and he gets caught, CPS will take the baby.

If your boyfriend is holding, and is in your house,or even stashes anything in your house and he get's caught you will lose your house.

What if your kids find it?

Alot of people with bipolar self medicate with drugs, and alcahol.

I know I am rambling. I know the drug, and alcahol world. I know what it's like to not beable to stop. I am sorry to say, but, just because he tells you things, doesn't mean he can stop. In fact he probably can't stop, and will need treatment. But, like what has been said before, until he admits to the problem, he won't get help.

Whatever your decisions are, we are here for you.