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Boy are you folks expressing what my husband is doing to me. He has gone to the NEIGHBORS and told them all about ME ---- but the funny thing is it is REALLY a description of HIM. It is a smear campaign. I have done EVERYTHING to help him, including using money I got after my mother's death, to find him help which includes: nutritional, medical, spiritual and romantic counsel. What he has done is RIDICULE me publicly, privately and smear me to the neighbors....the very neighbors whom he HATES (called the guy a dangerous lunatic) he is over there telling them he suspects I am a lesbian because I never show him any affection. ME? I lay across his lap and he told me he was sorry but I totally gag him and he is not attracted to me at all. That he was sorry but he was repulsed by me, then he walked to and spit in the sink as if to punctuate his disgust. So, I stopped trying. Afraid of the CRUEL and inhumane treatment he would cripple me with, I just sexually shriveled into a fearsome "A" sexual being afraid to feel or produce any sensual vibes. I could not take his cruel spew he would hurl at me. So, after I stopped trying or would freeze when he would do anything at all - which was remote and rare- he told people I was a lesbian. Geezey Pete, he would touch my leg and try to pinch an inch and tell me "this will never due, if you intend to turn a man on this sh it better tighten up." Then, he would walk away telling me I was disgusting and how did I expect him to ever respond to someone like me? I was a cheerleader in school, I was voted Ms. Popularity, I have always been described as "sexy" and this beast would go after me like a heat seeking missile and destroy any bit of confidence I had... Then, told people I REFUSED to give him sex because I was a lesbian!!! He even had his sister call me to discuss my lack of sexuality!!! I asked her did she ever think he may have the problem? Well, he is always so over the top about everything, that while manic (which is almost always) he is almost creepy about his sexuality. He would go into a store like a Home Improvement place and he bent into the female clerk to get a whiff of her. She backed up in fear and surprise and he gave her a weird sexual stare and said, "Do I frighten you?" Then, flirtatiously rolled his eyes in a winky thing that scared her. I was mortified. Yeah, he is a real turn on for an XXX-rated film on perversion. But he tells people I am gay (I am NOT gay) Yes, everything he does he over-does, and over-states and over-acts and over-reacts. He is an embarrassment. To most people they view HIM as a joke - or "just not right" and soon we get dropped from the party list or friends are "too busy" to see us or come over. He makes coffee and it is like mud and he has to drink maybe 3 pots (already manic this makes him like an out-of-control buzz saw) When he went out to buy a Spring jacket he came home with EIGHT OF THEM, he is always on the porn sites and gambled away our kids college fund. But "I" have the problem and he announces my "short comings" everywhere and to whomever will listen -- only they are twisted, laundered and really HIS SHORT COMMINGS. And yes the good is too "loud" or pronounced as well. So, when people ask HOW I wound up with him I tell them.... When I first met him he was telling me how everyone could feel "our love" and our happiness. He took what was nice and build it into a magic carpet ride. The good was just as BIG as later the BAD became. So, I did not get a flower- I got arrangements over and over again, I did not get "a" card but I got magical love notes with regularity. But now when I read them they were generic, like a zodiac reading in the paper, and more about him showing the world how great he was AT ROMANCE then genuinely romantic. Then, he found a flaw in me, and from there, he began to focus on them and make them BIGGER than life until he later told me how people could "Feel" that he could do so much better and wondered why he was wasting his life with me? This jobless, arrogant, clerk-scaring, over the top "strange guy" was telling ME he was too good for me? The same mania that takes you to lovely places can turn on you and place you in hell. Sadly, too late I realized none of "us" was real. First, I was someone he showed off to feel better about himself, later I was flawed and became someone he would denigrate to make himself feel better. I was a tool in his illness. (Perhaps some out there are not as servere and do have working relationships, but I would guess they TRY first by getting medications which mine refuses to stay on) It was all about HIM. There is no room for anyone else in his life, I was like a garment that was once new and worth showing off as he pranced around showing me off, now I had been "washed" one too many times and had lost my luster, and with the same zeal he used to "worship" me, he now attacked me verbally. So, everyone would know he KNEW I was flawed and that he did not want to be with me. Once in the movies he made me sit in the row in front of him so people would not know he was with me. I did not have any make-up on and I was not glam (glamorous) enough for him. And I sat in the row in front of him. Cried through the whole movie trying to figure out how I fell into such a living nightmare. Then, my goal was to get him well so he would be nice to me again. IT never happened. In my case, I believe nothing was ever real. First I was build up in his mind as the perfect woman he could flaunt... Then, I became a person who could do NOTHING right and became a target as he hurled crap at me all day long until I broke in a deluge of dung. Ok, venting does make me feel better. Post edited by: DeeSTroyd, at: 04/08/2008 22:57 |
