"Normal" vs. not

Here is another fact: Every negative trait he has claimed that I have, he has HIMSELF, only about, oh, 200 TIMES worse!!!!! It doesn't make any sense, to supposedly see it it me and claim it's so hurtful, but then not to recognize it in himself, if he's so sensitive to it. It's one-way logic. And when you try to turn around on the one-way street and drive in the other direction, you find it's been barricaded and is impassable. Argghhhhhhhhh!

Gloria

I would like to seek counseling for myself, but I must say that I know that I am not to blame. I don't question my actions, my comments, nothing. I enjoy a peaceful life, a happy home, a positive future. But I am not getting that and it hasn't been because I didn't work hard for it. A lot of things have been thrown in the mix. It's like the baking a cake scenerio where you have all the right ingredients, but no heat in the oven to make it. I have all the right ingredients, the oven has been preheated, but what I thought were chocolate chips in the batter, actually turned out to be pebbles for the fish tank! It still tastes good, but you have to pick out the pebbles.

I have done my share of venting here for sure. One thing I found is that made it easier to hold my tongue with some family members that I was really upset with. Sometimes those situations are lose/lose! (lol) In my experience talking things out with some people doesn't solve anything, it just makes it worse - either they don't understand your point of view or its like talking to a brick wall. You end up making a judgement call and a lot of times I keep quiet with my sister, or my sister-in-law, and then post a long rant here which surprisingly enough helps to get through the anger and frustration - I think because a) once thoughts are organized its easier to be more rational about them b) the feedback from this group is usually pretty helpful.

I know where you are coming from with the over-exageration of traits/situations. My sister does that to our family too. Things just end up being circular and at the end of the day she is always the one who has to be right. As we speak she is blackening my name and my brothers to all our remaining relatives over the situation with my father. It would be the same sort of blanket generalization, and if asked for specifics there would be an abundant over exageration of a fairly small situation. (My dad did not 'give' my brother some pictures from his house instead my brother stole them from my sister.) (The director of care at the nursing home does not have a good professional working relationship with the doc there, instead she is having an affair with him) It can be very frustrating and damaging to a person self esteem, especially as my sister goes out of her way to contact people and tell them bad things. Contacting a long lost relative would not be a stretch for her!! (Believe me, it has happened!!)

As you work through your feelings, you will need to move on and away from the circle of friends and acquaintences that you had when you were married. You can develop your own healthy group of friends, people that your husband does not know. In this way you can build up your self esteem again and you will be able to put the hurtful painful past where it belongs.

Post edited by: mbrento, at: 04/07/2008 21:43

Its a grieving process. Next to my mothers death, that was one of the hardest things I had to go through. I thought my life was over.. I was 29 when it happened and thought I would never have kids or get remarried. (I felt like my 'best before' date had expired when he decided to dump me!) But you will get there. And you will look back someday from a new vantage of happiness and peace.

About a year after we split up, one of his freinds called me and wanted to get together. And I remember finding some excuse as to why I was busy - I had moved on and made new friends, and realized that most of my ex's close friends - the ones that stayed friends with him were losers!!

And about the smear campaign - just keep in mind that not everyone is going to believe him. You may not know who those people are until later, but rest assured, some of his freinds have his number, and probably are quite suspicious. When my sister and her husband split up, I remember all the horrible things she said about him, but I knew her well enough by then to figure things out pretty fast. We ended up staying in touch with my brother in law. ( I think it totally p** my sister off, but, hey, he was a nice guy, and he put up with a lot having to deal with her. We just ended up wishing him happiness and keeping in touch)

Hang in there .. there are better days ahead.

The newest thing he has done that stresses me out is he has been in his place all of 2 weeks and he has a new pit bull. I am so nervous for my daughter going over to his house now. ( I admit I have a fear of dogs, except my own!)

Also, he attributed every one of his own negative traits to me. It is now pleasant not hearing his 'statements' about me anymore.

I still hope and pray he will get his act together so our daughter can have a good relationship with her father.

So, vent away! It is better to vent than get anything like high blood pressure from bottling it all up.

Good luck to you.

Post edited by: sky, at: 04/08/2008 21:39