Redefining my life...

I should clarify, as my post was intended more to celebrate the changes that have happened since my last post.

I do not and would never use a bipolar diagnosis to excuse abusive behavior. Never. With that being said, I had recognized that I had become unilaterally rude and nasty to my boyfriend.

I had allowed myself to depend on him to do the things that I should have been taking care of in my life. In general, it turned into a sick pattern of my short fuse bursting in frustration when certain things happen (which might be a bi-polar symptom). Once I hit frustration mode, he began doing everything he could to fix the problem, innocently trying to make me happy. It would end up one of two ways, either he would fix it (leaving me depending on him to fix my problems) OR he couldn't figure it out (since it was my problem anyhow). And if I was frustrated or angry and he was trying to fix it and just not able to do it... watch out, that's would open the door to things escalating into abusive situations.

I don't mean to throw any words around here. My intention with the word 'co-dependent' was relative to the fact that I had depended on him to keep my life stable and happy and ripple-free. That is an unhealthy dependency (IN MY OPINION), because life always deals us challenges. I'm a much more grounded person when I actually suffer and heal and come out of it stronger and more mature.

Anyways, let the conversation flow...

I'm just DAMN happy that I'm in my own house, getting overwhelmed by my own chores, grateful for friend's help in finding a new couch and offering to rearrange the house so it doesn't look so sad and empty.

One other point to clarify. This break-up has been solely by my design. I'm hoping that I don't come to regret my decision, but so far, I feel so happy and stable and solid...

No meds at this time... and many, many, many of the emotional upheavals that have put me on the brink of starting on that track of treatment are subsiding now that I've reclaimed my life.

Yes, I'm behind on chores, but I'm not angry and freaking out at someone every day anymore.

And Carnivale, if you want to PM me, feel free.

Yes I do see a p-doc. I've been diagnosed bi-polar 2, I believe. Lately he said I'm experiencing mixed episodes.

The question around whether I should medicate has been really tough for me to understand. I took Lamictal during most of 2005. It seemed to be a never ending process of thinking that I felt better for a few weeks, then going back to feeling the same again. Then the dosage would be raised up again and it would be the same pattern. After one year of spending over $2000 out of pocket, not feeling much different, and ending up 20 pounds heavier, I asked the doctor if I could go off.

Next was Paxil for most of 2006, not a mood stabilizer, but he thought it would address the depression and generalized anxiety. It helped a bit at first, but then the side effects outweighed the benefits. Weight gain, inability to orgasm to name a few. So I went off of that one as well.

I will say that I don't experience any symptoms that would require hospitalization. I've never had my bi-polar symptoms land me in jail or in court. I do not suffer from hallucinations nor delusions and I am not suicidal.

I can definitely feel the mood swings more clearly now that I'm on my own. My relationship had become so toxic, so volatile, so draining and unfulfilling, I was numb to my own feelings most of the time.

The next few weeks and months will be interesting for me. I want to understand how I function. I am trying to keep a journal and get a better understanding about how the up's and down's impact my work, friendships, responsibilities, self-care, etc.

Meds? Huge question. I have 5 weeks of sample Abilify that I can start taking at any point. I'm not exactly sure why I haven't started yet. It's not denial, maybe a bit of fear. I do wonder how much of my bi-polar symptoms and behaviors set the scene for the relationship to end. I do see some patterns in my behavior that have spanned several relationships.

But for now, I am in close contact with my p-doc, a counselor, and am trying everyday to live life in a more aware state. Once my day to day life slips back into a routine, hopefully it will become clear if the symptoms are something that I can manage with various healthy cognitive coping techniques, or if medication is really necessary.

I guess knowing that I'm not a danger to myself or others and I don't destroy property or break laws, I'm approaching my doctor's recommendation to take Abilify in the same manner that I would take any other medication that has a 'psycho-tropic effect'. It's really tough being in this spot. I will not let these symptoms get in the way of being loving and being loved. If I cannot manage to stay centered within the storm, I will use the tools (medication) that is suggested... until then, I'm just going to focus on getting the lawn mowed sometime this week. (The ex mowed it twice a week forever... I now reclaim my lawn along with my life.)

And for what it's worth, the challenges that our relationship faced were definitely not all based on aspects of my bi-polar diagnosis and symptoms. I take responsibility for my 50%. No kids, we weren't married, so it's not a terribly tragic tale.

short while. I mean like a year or so? The reason I am dead serious with my meds is because I remember my hell before them.

Gloria

Post edited by: morningglory/oldglory, at: 04/07/2008 01:15

Thanks, it's important for me to have my shit together. And I am here on this forum broaching topics that don't typically come up in conversation with friends and co-workers because I am painfully aware that I may really be suffering and causing others to suffer unnecessarily.

wantin to get more sleep because you feel so tired and unrested? YES, on most mornings.

Have you ever just felt really sad but can't quite put your finger on the, why? YES, on multiple occasions in varying degrees of intensity.

Have you ever really gotten pissed off at something to the point of punching a wall?? YES, but I don't punch walls because I don't want to break any bones. I'm more of an object thrower and a screamer.

I was on Lamictal for a full year, but never achieved a dosage that would work for me.

I hate the fact that I can be ONE MEAN WOMAN sometimes. One of the reasons that I ended my relationship was that I couldn't bear with how shitty I felt after being harsh and rude to my ex.

Maybe meds hold the answer. I am open to that. It's just important to me that I get to a point of balance after this huge change before I'm comfortable embarking on another.

Point taken, thanks.