Redefining my life...

A couple of months back, I was looking for input and advice around multiple suggestions that I had been receiving around starting Abilify.

I was irritable and depressed nearly all of the time. Everything in my life felt off. Despite my fears that I was impulsively acting on another 'bi-polar symptom' (the running away from one's relationship behavior, I decided to ask my partner of the last 4-5 years to move out.

He has now and I'm so much happier. I think that our relationship had become co-dependent in unhealthy ways ribboned with verbal abuse. He depended on me to keep our social life and travel plans vibrant and full. I depended on him to take care of me in ways that I should have been doing myself.

I put too many expectations on him being able to say and do things that kept me calm and happy, to the degree that he started doing my chores, my laundry, cooking and cleaning for me, taking care of my horses, running my errands in the hopes that I wouldn't feel overwhelmed. In the meantime, our sex life dried up.

I now realize that I need to be responsible for me. I cannot put myself back in a position of having someone else take care of me, since ultimately, it would be most healing and positive for me to reclaim that part of living.

I'm still not taking any meds, just a bit of Xanax as a PRN for when I really can't sleep or when I start to have what feels like a sympathetic nervous system overload.

It's all still falling into place... but it feels so much better than I ever thought it would.

There is a group on this site for people dealing with codependancy. It may be of interest to you and I am sure your story would really be a great confidince builder for others there too. I added the link for the codependancy group below (name of group is being changed soon to reflect codependant)

http://www.mdjunction.com/dependent-personality

My point is this: If I were paralyzed and could no longer walk, I'd expect to have physical therapy to train myself to use the wheel chair (I'd hope my partner would be rooting for me at every session). If I had a stroke, I'd have to go through many months of speech therapy to relearn communicative skills (I'd hope my partner would be willing to take the time to go over note cards with me or to drill me up and down the alphabet). Or let me say it like this... If I went blind, I would HOPE my partner would be willing to guide me across the street the first year or so after... just until I learned my own way. I feel like the primary response to any relationship oriented question/issue/venting session in this group is GET OUT! RUN! LEAVE HIM NOW! Thus, if some of us partners of people with Bipolar could have just a little hope. Just a tinge. Just enough. Well... it would be very much appreciated.

I am bipolar and also have a son who is bipolar. I hope you find the answers you want here. And as always we support you. Have a blessed day. Norma

I am going to attempt to answer the questions/statements you made in your post.

"I feel like this is some big ploy to allow some people to treat other people in any way they see fit." : Bipolar is not an excuse used to allow behaviors to continue. If anything I as well as many others here would tell someone that they must take responsibility for their behaviors (bipolar or not).

"Left to such devices, the obvious choice would be to treat the other people like crap": While it is unfortunate that due to the distortion in reality surrounding a person with bipolar many loved ones do end up abused (verbally, physically, mentally). That said we are here to support people in what ever stage they are in with the knowledge and experiences we have available. We do not condone such behaviors! Individuals with bipolar I feel sometimes have to be left "to their own devices" in order for them to reach the point at which they do seek the help they both need and deserve, this for many of us is the last resort and not something that is done light heartedly. It is usually when all else fails.

"That said, some of us learned to treat others with respect, and dignity, and goodwill. Is it so, then, that because we have learned to treat others with goodwill and kindness that we are automatically CODEPENDENT in personality! I am really quite frustrated with how that terminology is being thrown around in these forums... codependency is much more than that. Loving someone and considering their needs in the short term (if things are to change in the near future) are not codependent actions." : I personally am proud of any individual that can "treat others with respect, and dignity, and goodwill." especially those that have endured so much persecution for doing so. Codependancy is quite comon within a relationship with someone that has bipolar. It is quite comon in most situations in life that someone takes on the role of caregiver. I personally have been codependant upon my wife in a very unhealthy manner, it almost cost me my life. Anytime a person has such an attachment upon another that one will endure such extreme behavior with no relevant thought for their own health and safety I would consider that person codependant. I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE HERE!

"Has everyone here lost hope in the possibility that they MAY actually get better?" No none of us has lost hope or we would not be here. Hope is the thing that keeps alot of us going when there is no cure for what is wrong with us or our loved ones. Hope is what I think helps bind this group! There is always the posibility that someone will reach stability... if the right doctor is found, if the right therapist is found, if the right med cocktail is found... the list goes on. These are the things we hang our hopes on.

We are helping each other in the best ways we know how. Many times in these threads people will refer people to go see a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, seek med chages. They are refered to the most qualified professional that can help. We are not doctors, we do not give diagnosis nor do we prescribe or make med changes. We refer people to their doctors if they are even thinking about med changes on their own. If an individual is suacidal we refer them to calling 911, going to the ER, calling a suacide hotline, at a minimum getting someone else to be there with them durring this.

While you will see the "GET OUT! RUN! LEAVE HIM NOW" in posts, sometimes I feel a little more often than I would like to see (but all are allowed their opinions), I personally do not advocate that unless the individual is suffering from abuse. Abuse in NO situation I feel is to be nor should ever be tollerated whether by someone with bipolar or by the loved one of a person with bipolar.

You would like to see a person on here that give you hope in your relationship with a bipolar loved one, if I understand the end of your post correctly. I would like to give you that hope right here and right now:

My name is RED, I am the loving husband of a wonderful woman that has bipolar II, OCD, and personality disorders. We have been married for 25 years and together for more than 27. We met when we were 15 and were highschool sweethearts. We are the parents of 2 children (adults 22 & 24) and 2 grandchildren (2 & 6). We have endured every imagineable manifestation of bipolar disorder and we have survived. While I will tell you that a relationship with a person that has bipolar is not easy, I will also tell you that it is not impossible. WE ARE LIVING TRUTH!

I want to end by telling you and your spouse that we are here for both of you, to help you and your spouse through the good times and the bad times. Neither of you are alone.

I can also be reached by PM to discuss things if you feel more comfortable in a private setting.

GOD BLESS YOU

RED

Thank You

RED

Post edited by: red1965, at: 04/06/2008 21:33