I can't win

My husband has been diagnosed BP; however, he doesn't agree with the dx (surprise!) and I can't say I disagree. He may not be BP, but he's SOMEthing, maybe several things. He has gone off his rocker of late.

His story is different every time we talk, but largely, he's been on a "It's not me, it's you" kick.

After four years of abuse from him that I put up with and married him despite of -- and which he always, in the past, admitted was due to him and expressed remorse for --- he has announced that he has had enough of my abuse, and he wants a divorce and he's kicking me out.

My father has cancer right now and I think that's what has sent my husband over the edge --- I think that whatever he has, BP or not, it's extremely tied up in his VERY overaccessive need for attention.

Anyway, he has marshalled his family and friends who he tells me all agree with him that he should divorce me (based on how he has told them I behave, which is one-sided and twisted, of course, but they don't know that.)

I know you will all say -- and have been saying -- that I need to RUN. I know this, and I'm trying to.

But in the meantime, dealing with him is nearly impossible. If I disagree with him, it sets him off. If I agree with him, it sets him off. If I'm silent, I'm being "hostile" and "antagonistic." If I speak so much as a hello, I'm also being antagnostic.

In the meantime, no matter how much I try to avoid his friends and family, before I'm able to move out, I still will need to deal with them.

If I refuse to talk to them (even if I do it politely, it will be obvious after awhile that I'm avoiding them), I will look like exactly the hostile person my hubby is trying to paint me as.

If I tell the truth -- that I believe he needs psychiatric help - that, also, is in line with the story that he's already told them - that I have concocted the "he is crazy" cover story to mask my own abuse of him.

Is my only option to become a basketcase myself, so they will at least maybe have some sypathy for me and leave me alone?

It would be great for my husband to get the help he needs, but I don't think it's going to happen so it's no longer my goal to achieve that.

My goal is to leave with as less drama as possible and to leave myself in as good a position as possible (i.e. not be forced to get nasty with the divorce, to have to leave in the middle of the night in some domestic tragedy that just heightens the drama for everyone, and leave me worse off in regards to finances, life, circumstances), but I feel like my husband has control of the wheel and is determined, one way or another, to drive us into a tree with the intention to do serious damage to me, while he walks away unscathed.

Any advice on how to prevent this and how to make his family and friends not hate me and make my life harder, or is it probably a foregone conclusion? I'm trying to leave peacefully, but the way things are going I'm sure police are going to be involved before the end -- and not because of me. But he has the family convinced that if anything like that happens I'm just making it up to cover my own tracks.

We have a family funeral coming up and I want to show support to the family in need, but I know my husband has been spreading horrible things about me and I know the family will corner me at the event to ask me what is going on.

It's impossible, isn't it? I know that as I write this. I need to get out -- and I'm working on it -- but it's not happening fast enough and in the meantime I need to deal with him and everyone who hates me.

Any practical advice as to what to say or how to act to keep this from getting worse would be appreciated. Please don't tell me to just leave, I know, and I'm working on it. Just looking for advice on how to deal with Single White Male and his army of supporters in the meantime. Thank you.

ADD: I should add that the only way I've been able to keep the peace most recently - and buy myself some time to get myself in order - is to agree with my husband that yes, as my father, for whom I am a primary caretaker, dies of cancer right now and as we just got married 6 months ago despite my husband's crazy behavior even then (and which he now blames on me), that yes, our entire relationship being a plane crash right now is entirely my fault because I have treated him so horribly, neglected him as I take care of my father, and I promise to change and please will he give me another chance. Obviously, this ruse won't last forever, especially as he will make me "prove" it by probably being affectionate to him, giving him lots of attention and flattery. He flat-out refuses couples counseling (i think because instinctively he knows the jig would be up) and says we should just work it out ourselves. I've begged him to not pursue divorce and he keeps agreeing not to, but then brings it up again. I've told him I have a heart condition and that my father is dying, and he just keeps on trucking.

Post edited by: mbrento, at: 04/04/2008 22:15

Love

Gloria

Post edited by: morningglory/oldglory, at: 04/04/2008 22:18

Post edited by: mbrento, at: 04/04/2008 22:52

I have been there and realized I was co-dependent and trying to control someone else. When I realized that and got help it made things a whole lot better in my case. So again I recommend looking to information on co-dependent behavior.