Is it for revenge or is it just me?

"She has the means to help me financially and with obtaining benefits but has chosen not to."

My heart now tells me, she knew that this is your attitude.

Gloria

I have to say the same thing that others have said before me, WOW!!!

I understand what you are saying with the "evil" and the "tightrope".....

I also understand your (non-evil) view of the situation, and the questions you are asking.

Unknown to me, I have been Bipolar for most of my life. It hasn't been until the last few years that I have traveled the road of "recovery" shall we say. It started with PPD, after the birth of our twins. That lead to severe depression............eventually, we (my PDoc and Counselor) realized that there was more to this picture than the down side. I had times of up too.

Those times swung like a pendulum. Through it all, my husband would say to me "I don't understand." and "you are not the person that I married" and "I want my wife back".

I struggled and struggled to get back to the person I knew I could be (balanced, neither too sad or too happy - if you will) but there were more down swings than up swings.

Mine and my husband's marriage began to have dips and bumps. Then they turned into potholes, which turned into sinkholes, and became shear drop offs........well, I am sure that you get the picture.

Thankfully, I persisted in seeing my PDoc and my Counselor. With their help, plus this groups support, I have recently begun to see the light at the end of the tunnel (pop my head out of the shell of "the other person"). It is like I am metamorphasing (sp?) into a better me (at least that is how it feels).

Okay, so now that I have rambled on here, let me try and get to the point.......

There were times that one or the other of us was ready to give up. It wasn't that neither of us cared or loved each other anymore, it was that I couldn't manage myself, my kids, my husband, my job.......or my husband couldn't understand/deal with the situation and most of all, it was hurting our children (I think the turning point for us was when our oldest two, while in a restaurant where DH and I were discussing what to order, turned to us, held up one hand - palm facing us - and said "stop fighting mom and dad" - we weren't even fighting, but they felt the tension).

So, I am neither totally on your wife's side nor completely on your side. I see both sides and I can understand both sides.

I agree with Norma, you need to find some sort of help. Without it, you will never be able to make sense of anything, let alone this situation.

I also agree with dragonfly2catch, sometimes the loss of significant other, and kids, is what gives us BPers the "kick in the pants" to do something.

Our significant others can only hold our hands, guide us, hug us, come to our rescue for so long. They can only do so much for us. After that, we have to take on the responsibility of seeing it through.

Much like a child learns to walk: The parents are the model that the baby watches. The parents hold the baby and guide them to take their first steps. Then the parents take one hand away, so that the baby uses one hand to balance and holds their parent with the other hand. Then the parents take both hands away but are right behind the child, ready to help at a moments notice. Finally the parent watches their child as they toddle down the hall, on their own, and never to stop walking/running for the rest of their lives.

Tough as it may sound (and believe me, I truly am not against you here, I am only saying this because I have been there and am now on the other - uphill - side of it) you need to start doing some walking. Find the help and support. Get yourself pulled together and then (no promises) you may find that things will get better between you and your wife.

I am so glad that you have sought out support and have found this site.

I don't know of you Believe or not, but, I want you to know that my family and I will keep you and your situation in our prayers.

Best of luck.

See 'ya 'round the BPSG (BiPolar Support Group) site.

Gloria

Love

Gloria

I have a few friends who are on disability who are getting help for their bipolar. They have medicare, and it doesn't seem to bother them.

I would think your health would be more important right now. You might have to give up a few things, but, at least you wouldn't have to suffer from the evil of bipolar. I have bipolar 1, and I have a family. I have medicaid, and am not rich. I would rather be alive, and a good mother to my kids, than anything else. I have to way my priorities. My fiance, and my kids are a priority. I didn't want them to suffer from my illness, anymore. No one can get you well, but a good pdoc, a therapist and your decision to get help. I can make all kinds of excuses of why, I can't get help, but, that's not going to help me, or anyone around me. It concerns me, that you stopped getting help after your wife left. Were you doing it to please her? Or did you really think you needed help? Were you doing it for you? It only works if you sincerily care about your life, and the lives of the people around you.

If you don't get help you may fall off of the edge of the rope, and not be able to get back up.

I take meds, so, I don't fall off of the rope. I take meds, so, I don't have to live in fear of that evil, taking over my life, and chasing my family away. I have done that before, myself, and ended up alone in a 5x7 cell. Even then, I was still blaming everyone else for my being there.

I apologize for being harsh, too. I am also honest. This a serious illness, and I hope you get help, soon, so your children can have their father back.

I have no problem with whatsoever with honesty. It's a trait not many people excersice enough these days. I learned so much about myself after my suicide attempt. I learned that I alone had soul responsibility to myself and to my family to get well. See, I hit rock bottom so hard I turned them rocks into powder. I had nowhere else to go but up. My health became, and still is, very important to me. It's the foundation that must be laid before further treatment takes hold.

I was taking my meds daily and seeing my therapist twice a month for years brfote she left. As a family we always had health insurance benefits through my employer or hers. When I was placed on disability I didn't sign up for medicare because I didn't need. Her employer had an awesome health plan. They paid the entire cost of it so it didn't make since to pay for something we didn't need or wouldn't use.

My wife isn't just beautiful but she's smart as well. She used her talent and worked hard and for that she was rewarded. Her monthly income was 3 times the amount my SSDI check was. Like I said we did quite well. When she left with the kids she left everything behind. Clothes, jewelery, photos you name it, she left it. All they took was the clothes they were wearing and the car they were driving.

She also left the bills. Hell, I wouldn't take those either if I was her. 75% of our income was gone leaving 25% to pay 100% of what we owed. Cutting back wasn't an option it was a order. I had to surrender my car to the bank, cancel phone and cable, sold or pawned anything of value I had, and lastly took in 2 strangers as roommates to help pay rent. We're currenty in the middle of our divorce and her attorney's giving me forms to fill out I can't understand. I would like a lawyer of my own but I can't come up with the $5000 retainer. If I had 5k to blow I'd be on my meds and talking to my therapist with it instead of a lawyer.

Anyway, my commitment to myself and to my family is something nobody can take away from me. I promised myself I'd never attempt suicide again. Lord knows I've though of it for hours at a time. But looking at photos of our kids and her gives me the strength to resist. I know I have a potentially fatal illness, but only if I allow it to be.

I hurt deeply and miss them. But it isn't all from them leaving. On Feb. 28 my father passed away from a heart attack. On the day we laid him to rest somebody broke into our apartment and stole the only thing left that was of value. All her jewelery and a antique doll collection. It's been the most difficult, agonizing, painful 6 months of my life.

I haven't thrown in the towel and given up. I will find help or, no pun intended, die trying. I know it was hell for them. I'm to blame for it. I'm weak from grief and sorrow. I will recover in time. I have to because I owe it to myself and to my family. My kids need a father. I need my Dad still but he's gone. I wont back away from my responsibility, my commitment, or my promise to myself.

You mentioned that she wouldnt leave a man with another illness. Diabetes, cancer, limb loss...a man with those things would not betray, belittle, hurt, lie, on an ongoing basis. I understand that you cannot help your illness but please understand that we cannot help the need to save ourselves and our children from the insanity. Its not that we want to hurt you, or that we want to leave you alone. Honestly, its not personal at all. We still feel that deep love, its just secondary to our need to live and be healthy...as it should be.

I didn't mean to offend you. My experience is that I was not able to function in my life in a productive way until, I got on meds. I was always building houses, and tearing them down. Making messes, and cleaning them up.

I am sure you love your family, and have all kinds of feelings about your divorce. I have had a bad break up with the father of my 3 older kids. It was because my behavior from my bipolar, being untreated.

I have medicaid , and am very grateful for it. But, from knowing others who are on meds, some of them get financial help from pharmacutical companies , and mental health services.

I can see that you feel abandoned. Your wife leaving you with all of the bills, and with no health insurance. I have 4 kids, and have been separated from my S/O, and had to adjust to the situation, and find my own resources. I have had to do this a few times. You can work on SSDI. You can add a little income. I am just thinking about your mental health. No one can make you get back on your meds. But it might help you with all of the stress you are dealing with. My illness gets triggered by stress. Meds really help me with my busy life. 4 kids, a relationship, a dog, and 2 cats...LOL

This situation isn't just one sided each person has their own part. I am not a victim in any of my relationships.

Have you ever asked your wife why she left? Have you ever consideed couples counseling? My motives were not to criticize you. I was just concerned, being bipolar, like you.

Hang in there. We are here for you.