Is it for revenge or is it just me?

I asked her to be my bride when I was 24, she only 23. A year later we became husband and wife. Bound by only our love to be partners until one of us took our last breath. Back then, the evil that lives within me wasn't known to either of us.

She gave birth to our first, a son, two years after we were joined. A daughter, two and a half years went by from our first gift. Love was far from abandoning us, but instead, grew richer for now there were four.

Hand in hand we built our home, confident the foundation was solid enough to stand the test of time. Years rushed by as fast as the children grew. Our bodies now older, but our love still was young. Ten years had passed now. Kids in school, she at her job and me at mine. We made our way quite nicely our house still strong.

Too good to be true some would say; they would be right. At 38 the the evil within began to stir. I was happy, now sad. I was full, now empty. I was something, but felt like nothing. I was scared is what I was. I was so frightened I thought death was my escape.

The evil within wouldn't let me be. I fought with all my might. But one night, evil took control and brought death my way. I surrendered my will and drank from deaths cup. I lay down to dream I will never awake. A voice so beautiful found me and woke me from my dream. Death went away, but evil hid within me.

My love had rescued me from my foolish act. I focused on her and our children to gather strength. I was positive victory was mine, for again I could feel and saw colors not black. But the evil within changed from one into two.

My emotions ran wild out of control. There was love, lust and passion so gentle and calm. There was anger, impatience, and bitterness so vile and wicked. The evil within did as he pleased whenever he pleased. I became evils puppet I had no idea or warning when my strings were pulled.

My bride stood by my side even on days when evil pushed here away. My love for her was true my heart was hers. Evil got stronger over time. My beautiful wife resented evil because he wouldn't leave. Some where to her evil and I became one.

The house we had built now had cracks. Evil would point out all the wrongs not the rights. He'd leave me and hide so I faced her wrath. Sorry no longer put the sword in it's sheath. My bride so lovely and sweet now sowed seeds to repay.

Evil was playing with his puppet when harvest time came. Evil, strings in hand pulled and pupped responded. I became callous and spiteful. Wife had seen this many times before but this time she wasn't going to stand and be part of evils fun.

I spoke nasty words I know I didn't mean. Wife didn't crumble so evil pushed harder I was his tool. For hours we clashed no love in our home. Then the walls shook and down they did crash. My sweetheart was gone our children in tow. Evil laughed for he had his fun.

I waited for my family to come home, days passed. Sorrow and regret keep me company, still are in fact. I lost my family but that wasn't all. The love of my life her heart now of stone forgets I'm not evil, but he's part of me.

Is revenge what she seeks when refuses to talk? Her employer was from which I used to get well. Wife left her job my help it did stop. She knows how important help is for me. Is revenge how she chooses to honor her vows? My love now does hate me, won't remember what was. To court with an army by her side I'm taken. Her ace, the evil that hides within me.

Her army battles this battle day after day. I unarmed stare at nothing broken and hurt, nothing to say. I have only memories the past is my future. Was it for revenge or is it just me?

Welcome. I relate. I have bipolar 1 with psychotic features. This illness can be very difficult. If it is not treated it will just get worse. I see you have experienced it. Are you seeking treatment? Or therapy?

I think your wife left because this is a family illness, and it can hurt our loved ones, to see us suffer.

I think we feel like others are doing something to us, but it is our illness, that distorts the truth.

Hang in there, research all you can about this illness, share vent, or ask questions. There is a lot of support here.

I hope you find support here...and peace. Unfortunately, I looks like your wife and kids are gone...what are you doing to take care of yourself?

I haven't seen my therapist or psychiatrist (meds) since she left. I need treatment, I want treatment, but cost is the biggest obsticle preventing me from getting it. The income I receive from SSDI is just enough to pay my rent and utilities. If I signed up for MediCare the amount taken from my monthy benefit would cut into what I need to keep a roof over my head. I make too much to qualify for low income assistance from MediCal. Private insurance wont touch me because I have a pre-existing condition. I've called the United Way, the Red Cross, the Salvation Army, and many more like them for help but came up empty. I continue to look though. There's help out there I know it. I just have to find it.

You sound like you want help just don't know where to get it...since you have a computer you might want to search for state agencies for mental health...good luck and best wishes, Norma

The revenge is against the "evil", the bipolar disorder. It's difficult to explain and just as hard to understand I gather, but it is like a seperate person that has control. When I'm baseline, I have control of my emotions and actions.

Baseline is a very fine line. Think of it this way. A rope is laid down in front of you. Like a tight rope but only on the floor. To the left side of the rope is depression; on the right side mania. All you need to do is walk down the rope without stepping on either side.

Simple task, a 5 year old can do it right? Now, do it blind folded. How far would you stray to either side if you couldn't see where you were. Without seeing you don't notice you've straying off the rope. You could go pretty far off track before the blindfold comes off.

Now, who was walking down the rope? You were. Why did you allow yourself to stray so far when before you did just fine? The blindfold. It still was you, but wasn't you because something impaired you. You kept walking thinking you were on track when everybody around you can tell your off. You could chose to walk very slow and be extra careful so you don't stray. Then everybody around you wonders why your being so cautious because you're not going to get very far that way.

It's a loose, loose most of the time. I don't know where it comes from or why I suddenly have a blindfold on. I take responsibility when my mood swings because I have no choice. I've felt like crap so many for the things I've dome or said. What I have trouble understanding is why she couldn't see it was just a part of me and not the whole? Does the wife of man who has diabetes leave him because his body can't process sugar? Apples to apples, oranges to oranges I know it's not exctly the same.

I never stopped loving my wife. I adore her and told her so many times. She gave up on me and that's what hurts the most. She didn't allow me to give up when I tried to. Why do I have to allow her to? I'll tell you why. I love her. If her happiness means me not having her in my life it's what I must do.

She has the means to help me financially and with obtaining benefits but has chosen not to. I choose to believe whether true or fantasy that she still loves me deep inside. It's the disorder she's punishing.

The evil you describe is so hard to explain to others...but,it is real I know that. I truly believe you love your wife and kids...

Sometimes, people just can't deal with the whole bipolar thing...I know that is a hard pill to swallow...but, it is true. That doesn't make you any less a person or deserving of understanding though...and you always have people here who you can talk to...don't isolate yoourself...we are here for you, hugs, Norma