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03/31/2008 11:52 AM

Giving In

Dragonfly1
Dragonfly1  
Posts: 20
New Member

I have learned a lot in the past few days as a member of this forum. I am extremely grateful for the words of wisdom, the honest opinions, and the forum friendships that I am developing. I have a question, and I have searched, but may not have used the right terms. With my fiance's bipolar, I have seen different levels with regard to him feeling remorseful. Sometimes the blowups aren't that bad, and then a few minutes later, he reaches out to hold me. He won't say that he is sorry immediately, but he just needs to hold me. There are times that I want to be just as mean to him as he was just to me and refuse his touches, but then I feel guilty and realize that I am reacting negatively to the event that just unfolded. More recently, he stopped drinking for maybe 2 weeks, he seems more easily irritated now, and that concerns me. It seems as though he plotted and planned this even bigger blowup this past weekend. He claims that I triggered him in an instant and that made him want to leave. He told me NOT TO TOUCH HIM, when I tried to. Of course, it ended up that he took off and drank until he blacked out. The next day, he wanted to see me, talk to me, wanted me to hug him. Initially, I pushed him away in anger, but I love this man so incredibly much that I want to hold him. But I have learned that I am only enabling him.

I guess my question is this: Do the episodes vary in stages to the point where one time he doesn't want contact, and then the next he won't let me go? He seems desperate if I don't reciprocate. I have also noticed that he is more remorseful after coming off of a drinking binge, than if he has been sober and goes through an episode. I know alcohol is a way to self-medicate. Is this why it seems so different?

Lastly, he has been in a cycle for about 4-5 days. Today, he seems much better and more easy to talk to and deal with, but I hear fear in his voice when he talks to me, as if he knows that he is destroying this relationship and believes that he will lose me.

I will not give up the fight for him until I have done everything in my power to help him. This is also my fight, so I wage on in my battle.

Deep breath . . .

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03/31/2008 12:26 PM
norma
normaPosts: 10109
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Dear Dragonfly,

Please get some professional counseling for yourself. In the event you want to wage a battle at least go in with the right ammunition. He has serious problems with alcohol and perhaps mental illness. There are places that specialize in these areas Alcoholics Anonymous has chapters for significant others of people with drinking problems.

Trying to guess what he is going to do next and reacting to it is not a healthy way to have a relationship. You might want to try some literature on co-dependency. There are many books that address this problem. That doesn't mean you love him any less, but, getting lost and caught up in his moods and drama is not a way to help him.

Hugs to you, you sound like you want to make this work....Norma


03/31/2008 02:42 PM
Dragonfly1
Dragonfly1  
Posts: 20
New Member

Thank you, Norma, I do want this to work. Hugs to you.

03/31/2008 03:19 PM
2butterflys
2butterflysPosts: 21
Member

I just have to add something Dragonfly- please please please think of your children before you decide to wage this battle at any cost- they are just innocent bystanders who are watching everything you do and how you allow yourself to be treated. Just a thought from one mother (with a very hurt little girl who is talking from experience) to another. I pray it turns out better for you-

03/31/2008 03:35 PM
Gypsy
Gypsy  
Posts: 1646
Senior Member

Hi Dragonfly,

I have bipolar, and have gone through what your husband is going through.

The cycle for me starts with mixed mania, and escalates into mania.

And then it drops to depression. I get really sensitive, and irritable. I have a hard time getting close, but, don't want to be left alone. I get triggered by my boyfriend. I can get lethargic, and shift into rage. I have ran away, before, when, I sensed an episode coming on. I have gone into rages, and said mean things. I have accused him of not caring about me. I have had an episode, accused him of stuff, and the next minute, told him, I needed him. I am a rapid cycler. I can do all of this all in a couple of hours or in a weeks time.

I am a recovering alcaholic. The alcohol, and drugs would make things worse. I would self medicate with other things, and then go into a depression, and feel remorseful. Without meds he can feel more uncomfortable, and go manic and go try to feel better with alcohol.

Bipolar is a horrible illness to cope with. If he doesn't get help it will just get worse.

I would go get help for you. You really can't do anything but be there for him, and give him space when he is manic. Like norma said, going to counseling, and going to alanon, or something will help you learn how to cope with this. Do you have friends or family, that you can get support from?


03/31/2008 07:33 PM
mbrento
mbrentoPosts: 52
Member

Hi Dragonfly,

I hope you are taking time to help yourself, too. It's easy to lose sight of that when you're in the thick of his every mood swing. His behavior sounds extreme, and abusive. Good luck with the battle.


04/01/2008 03:51 AM
carmen33
carmen33  
Posts: 8702
VIP Member

Dragonfly, remember you are not the cause of his choices, he is, and the fight with you was probably his way of having a excuse to drink again, had a husband who wasn't bipolar that liked to pick fights with me so he had a excuse to go get shit faced, once it finally dawned on me he was doing this, I told him flat out I had never forbid him, and that if he wanted to go get drunk, just have the balls to say so and go do it, take care of yourself hon, he has to take care of him... get therapy for yourself, attend some Alanon meetings, that is where family of those that are alcoholics go to support each other.
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