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partofsolution
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Hi, I am someone who is six years with a bipolar & schizoaffective disorder-sufferer and I am so confused about my own self after all the years of abuse - that I can't even start logically explaining my own breath to myself-What bothers me the most is how I can't break away from the 'why'-of it all, like why did this happen to me, why did I have to learn this, what is it in me that attracted him to my life,what is the lesson in six years of abuse that I had to learn...I can not find any reason for this yet it still happens every day to me- I have realised that my father has this illness - since he and my partner have so many strange things in common - but then I even went farther-like I too maybe have the illness, which is why I was able to handle it for so long...? But I am not able to handle it, I am silently falling apart-He has just gone to his mother for a visit, he does it impulsively, stays there two weeks, travels far away- tells me he is going a few hours prior to his trip and no force can ever stop him- I really feel so stupid in all this, I have no nrights, six years and it was always all about him... now he started mixing medications with alcohol , I need to leave to stay sane but I can't - since I'm not working and have chronic fatique syndrome for the six years of being with him-I got it in the first three months of our relationship, was and still am too tired from the illness to be making big revolution and leaving- or working-...where does one start? The questions 'why' , and my pity for his suffering with medication and illness are killing the last of energy left in me, please help-thank you- |
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norma
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Dear Partofsolution, What do you to take care of yourself. Seems like the focus is a great deal on the other person...I think you have control over that...my suggestion is to focus on yourself and making things better for you. You will read over and over again about people trying to change someone else...with few exception until that person wants to change or get help there is little you can do....you do have control over what you do for yourself. What do you do while he is gone??? Do you have friends, interests, family??? Outside your life with this person what is there for you in life?? "In the time of your life, live-so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but, shall smile to the infinite variety and mystery of it." William Saroyan
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partofsolution
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thank you for your thoughts on this, sorry it took me so long to read it, I didn't think anyone would say anything to me, I feel so forgotten by God and all there is, reading someone address my mizery and me was a miracle...thank you. You are right with what you said, I am realising it lately -that I have compulsive need to change people 'for better' and I don't do much about my own case and my own life-in return. I don't know why this is. I am aware of this urge now when it comes but can not stop it at all- in fact today I've given a long speech to my partner who is pathological lier about 'the moral side of lying' etc, he lied again as soon as I've finished my speech which took all of my energy. I have chronic fatique syndrome, live on a fer atoms of energy only and give it to the wrong person - I feel quilty if I give any of my own consern to myself, it is all so perverted. Please help, anyone who has anything to say- I feel so weak like never before in my life. Six years of chronic fatique syndrome and abused by bipolar partner and still doing the same stupid thing...I am rather ashamed- thank you again- 
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Beccaboo
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As I said in your journal, I don't have the practical steps for you. I can only offer that you are a person of worth and you deserve to be safe. While he is gone, try some positive self-talk. Tell yourself that you are important. I doubt that you believe it now, but you are. If you don't work, are there some gov't agencies that might help you find a new place to live? And, most importantly, do you see a therapist? It is very important to have a professional to talk to. Best wishes to you. |
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NewDayDawning
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My advice to you is, at least for now, don't worry about the "why." Maybe there is no "why." Or maybe you will never know what it is. It doesn't matter in the short term. What matters is getting into a better life, and doing what you need to do to begin it. Take the energy that you have been expending on him and put it towards creating a new life for yourself. |
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WARHORSE
Posts: 660
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Partofsolution: We have a saying in my church that works for me when all else fails: "Fake it till you make it." In other words, try out a new way of thinking and behaving (positive approachs and experiences) until it starts to feel natural. Much of our thinking and behavior is learned, and we have to "unlearn" the bad stuff and practice the new before it feels "natural." The other thing I do, when I am in absolute misery, is sit someplace calm and peaceful and recite the Lord's Prayer, over and over and over. "Is this a blessing? Or is it a curse?
Does it get any better? Can it get any worse?
Will it go on forever? Is it over tonight?
Does it come with the darkness? Does it bring out the light?
Is it richer than diamonds? Or just a little cheaper than spit?"--Jim Steinham
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carmen33
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Hi, part of, welcome to the group, we are glad to have you here, are you in therapy? if not I would suggest that you do, as the others have said you need to take care of you, he has to take care of himself, I've been told since I have been in AA, the only thing you can change on another person is their diapers, and it is very true, till I wanted to change me, there was no one on the face of this planet, that could convince me I needed help.. you deserve to be treated better, do you have anyone that you can go and stay with while you are filing for disability? have you filed? if not you need to do so right away..that will give you money of your own, and a way to not feel so dependent on him.
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Gypsy
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Hi Partofsolution, Welcome. There are alot of people on this site who have been through what you are going through. I live with a skizoaffective, and I have bipolar. He, and I are in the solution. But we have been in some rough places. What, I had to do is get to a place where, I was able to take care of me, and my kids if anything were to happen. I didn't want to be stuck in a bad situation. I have been there with a past relationship. I got a therapist, and have family, and friends who are there to support me. I am also on all kinds of welfare programs. I am okay with or with out him. I am sorry you are so sick. Are there any resources you can find to dig your way out of there? There has got to be a way out. You always have a choice. You don't have to put up with any abuse, bipolar, or not. If he has a manic episode, and is a danger to you or himself you can call the police, and get a restraining order. Anyway...Hang out, we are here for you. God Bless,Gypsy |
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