Living on the edge of a knife...

Music seems to calm him when he goes into his normal rages. He'll talk about divorcing me one minute, saying hurtful things and making me cry. Then after his music session, he's hugging me and saying everything will be okay.

He says his Ritalin calms him down, and I see that's one of the only times he'll let me touch him without throwing a fit. He's also on Depacote, which doesn't seem to cause any adverse reactions, although I'm not really sure how it helps him, either.

I've come to the conclusion that my husband cycles rapidly, and is very vain and detached, so he may also be narcissistic. When I was in the military, he was psychologically evaluated, and she believed he was bi-polar and narcissistic. She also said he was a few other things, so I'm not sure how much water her judgment holds. But I do believe the bi-polar part.

I don't know what the doctors gave my husband to control his impulses, but he hasn't stolen anything else from me ever since we split up for a brief time, and he moved back home without me. I now live with him again, and always guard my accounts, though, never knowing what he'll do there.

When he used to go into intense rages when we first met, he was also on Paxil. I could always tell when he wasn't taking his meds, because his moods were insane, delusional, and unpredictable. He's still unpredictable, but not nearly as bad as he was before.

I have come to the conclusion that he's addicted to sex, although not in the physical sense of having it. He blames his meds for eliminating his desire to have it nearly as much as he did when we first met. He loves to look at women and porn on the net, and I found a personals ad that he's single and looking for a woman. He told me the other day that he's 'always allowed to look for better', then apologized a short time later, saying he was kidding.

He lives with me 24/7, his mom, grandma, and aunt/uncle, so he's never out of my eyesight except when he goes to work. No weird girls are texting or calling his cell phone. I'm at a loss on what his 'addiction' is actually going to mean to me later on down the road? Should I look into getting him help? Is he just curious, or is he going to leave me if he finds a better girl? I hear these things are a big symptom of bi-polar, but I don't like the feeling that I'm going to be replaced all the time, that I'm not good enough.

When I first met him, he told me I was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to him, and he couldn't gloat enough about me to his friends and family. His best friend lives on the other side of the United States, doesn't know what's going on, but is defending my husband's actions against what my family and friends have said/decided. He says he knows how much my husband loves me and that things will work out in the end.

My husband blames me talking out our problems with my family for our marriage falling apart. Whenever I'd go and try and talk with him, he'd get so angry he'd scare me, and then he'd shut down. So I gave up after a long time, and went to my family for advice. After our brief separation, he's been saying, "I don't feel that loving way about you, anymore." "It was too soon for us to get back together." Among other hurtful things...

He also decided I wasn't allowed to talk to my family regularly anymore, saying he was going to put 'restrictions' on my phone time. He seems to think my parents are a threat to him, and he wants to eliminate this. Whenever I tell him something my dad/mom says, especially about us and our relationship, he gets incredibly irritated, and will stay that way for hours.

I've looked online consistently for other people who have lived through similar situations, but sometimes it feels like I am the only person in the world.

Its funny, what I am about to say might sound funny because I am bi-polar myself but LEAVE HIM NOW before it gets worse (and it will). I remember you posting that "singles" profile of his and I went and looked at it. That is horrible. If he wants to suffer in his own bullshit~~let him. You are right about one thing, he is narsissistic in every form among the bi-polar and what I worried about is he is going to take chunk by chuck of your self-esteem and self-value and knock it right into the ground. He has already started.

I believe in love but I found out the hard way that it does not conquer all. Not even close. Love will not "cure" this or make it better unfortunately. However, have enough love for yourself to get the hell out of there. If you decide to, call your family and get there help but make sure its final because you don't want to "burn too many bridges" with your family because you keep going back to him.

Hunnie, you deserve sooooo much better then this. The shit he is telling you is horrid and unexceptable no matter who is saying it!! He is not only moody but its gone right into mean narsissism. Seriously, consider leaving and getting counseling for yourself. Your worth it.......

I have a huge heart, and unfortunately have very few bridges left unburned with my family. Thus, until I'm positive it's the right decision to leave, I will remain, a rose amongst the thorns.

This guy, although he's been so bad to me, has the most beautiful heart. I fell in love with him so deeply, and I am committed to helping him manage this horrid disease. It's wonderful to have found this forum. God bless all of you.

hang in there.

as for his friend, take into consideration, that he is not right there with you. so, therefor, the friend that he used to know is not the same person. talk to as many people as you can, and sweetie, if he does leave.. he won't find anyone that will help him and love him as much as you. he probably is just losing his memory and that may also be another reason why he is looking at porn and saying that he has fallen out of love. depakote also causes memory loss as well. hang in there sweetie. by the by, why is he on depakote anyway? does he have seizures?

Dear Pearcy,

This link should give you a good background on depakote and Manic Bipolar treatment:

http://www.mcmanweb.com/article-22.htm

I can't speak for others, but when on occasion my manic energy begins, it rushes on like a tidal wave--almost impossible to stop, rushing through me until it sucks every ounce of mental, emotional, and spiritual energy from me. Then it drops me from somewhere in the clouds, rapidly plummeting to a deep depression and, in the extreme, to suicidal feelings.

Depakote acts, as in the case of generalized seizures, to slow down the exchange of certain brain hormones (neurotransmitters) and thus to slow down my physical, mental, and emotional progression. It is through this process of slowing down that I may be able both to limit the rapid onset of manic energy and to manage that energy as it approaches its peak.

Limiting and managing those manic periods also limits the depth of the ensuing period of depression. Depakote is, however, not a cureall, and the most reliable method of manic management is probably cognitive (awareness) self-control to limit my manic reactions.

As yet, there is no pill (to the best of my understanding) that stops or eliminates bipolar mania, but some categories of anti-seizure meds will slow down the mania.

In mania, the amount of energy I DON'T spend on my reactions to people, places, and things directly limits my resulting depression or downside emotions. (If I "don't go there," it's easier to come back, so to speak.)

Just like a roller coaster--the higher the first drop is, the longer and wilder the ride is.

Lethargy or sleepiness is a common side effect of Depakote, but, as far as I know it does not "cause" bipolar depression. It is, as I said, manic reactions to people, places, and things which are more probably responsible for feelings of depression.

This reply is based on my own experience and my limited understanding. You should, perhaps, study the expert and clinical info before you form your own opinion.

Thanks for the questions.

Keep coming back, okay?

Regards,

Jim

I stayed married to him because I thought his "good" qualities were the real him and eventually he would discard or outgrow the "bad" qualities. I was able to divorce him when I realized that he, like all humans, was a mixture of "good" and "bad" qualities. I knew that I couldn't live with the whole package...the "bad" qualities were too destructive to me.

I did a lot of growing after I divorced. I realized that being in love is not a reason to marry someone. There's a lot more to it than that. I also realized that I had to learn the reasons why I picked my first husband or I'd turn around and make the same mistake again. In the end, I met a great guy. We've been together for over 20 years and we've raised the family that I couldn't start with my first husband because *he* was the child in the marriage.

I almost lost myself waiting for my first husband to change. Don't let that happen to you. No one has the right to limit your contact with your family. Sometimes, it's difficult to separate out the symptoms of bipolar illness from character issues. In either case, you don't have to agree to your husband's demands. You don't have to settle for moments of kindness from your husband. Life can be much richer and more full of love than that.

Post edited by: sbmom, at: 12/04/2007 20:01