Is It Just Me?

Is he taking medications? getting therapy? if not he needs to do so, or face the fact that he might lose you.

As for how he can turn it off and on? we bipolars are pros at wearing masks, one face we show the world and another we can feel free to show the ones closest to us, the ones that are our spouses and lovers, and believe it or not, we even have one that we show ourselves, and it is even worse than the ones we show our SO's.. there's nothing more terrifying than what we see within us, and to keep you away from seeing that monster, we lash out and hurt you.

If he can be nice to other people why can't he be nice to you? That is a good question. Sometimes people have dymanics that develop in relationships that are not healthy. And they continue because the person who is at the receiving end of the anger doesn't know how to stop it. If he says hurtful things to him calmly ask him why does he feel the need to do this? Just stay calm. Could be he wants an excuse to drink and you are it.

I would recommend that you get some therapy to help you deal with this situation. In the event things don't change it seems to me there can only be hurt for you down the line. Take care of yourself. Loving someone doesn't mean you have to accept verbal abuse and anger. You might want to look up some literature on co-dependency. You deserve a better life...hugs, Norma

http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/bipolar-support-forums/ general-support/11016-why-do-bipolars-run-from-ones-they- love

http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/bipolar-support-forums/ general-support/18897-can-bipolar-people-hide-manic-episode- from-others

For one thing, mental disorder diagnosis or not, we are all responsible for our own behavior, so don't buy the "you make me drink" crap. Even IF - and that's a big IF - something you were doing was prompting him to want to drink, it's still him who is ultimately choosing to do so. And for another thing - I'm certainly no expert (check out my own posts, I'm still feeling my way too), but it's becoming clearer to me that this is a manipulative, twisted, emotionally draining journey that only gets worse when you start to doubt yourself too. Trust your instincts.

As far as, no one else seems to know -- well, that is a hallmark of this disease. People will go to great, even delusional, lengths, to do whatever they need to do to ease their own feelings. Even non-BP-diagnosed people can be extremely selfish.

I am amazed that despite the giant bowl of crazy that is my life, it hasn't filtered out to other corners of his life, and in fact, I'm the one who, according to him, is making his life miserable. But if you read posts on here, you will see that that is common.

I just tell myself that a) all my knowledge is filtered through him, so it's not trustworthy and b) at a certain point, I just can't care anymore whose fault it is and who's right and who's wrong.

It's frustrating to not get that validation. But no matter what your flaws might be, there's still a big difference between a flaw and debilitating mental disorder. My advice is to trust yourself and don't believe his hype. I'm still having trouble doing that myself, but reading stories like yours helps reaffirm my views, maybe reading others can do the same for you. Good luck.

Our entire relationship for four years was based on similar blame behavior as described. He kept apologizing and I kept forgiving him, trusting his stories that he would get work on getting better.

I found him nearly unconscious more than once in the weeks leading up to our wedding, including the weekend before. Then, a week after we got back from the honeymoon, he OD'd on meds, jumped out an upstairs window, fake-cut his wrists, and got taken away in an ambulance after I called 911.

He was kept for mental observation (his second time in his life of having that done, the first lasted for a week) and then released after just one day.

Despite all that, I stayed. Forgiving, trusting.

Now, he's dumping me because I'm a "pessimist" and he's an optimist and he's finally come to the conclusion that it won't work.

Everyone told me not to marry him and against their advice, I did. And now we are divorcing. We are financially and legally entwined and it is a nightmare. It would have been so much easier if I had just simply not married him to begin with.

Just one story, buyer beware. I think being with someone BP can work, but they have to take responsibility for their condition and be consistent. Which he is not doing. And it sounds like your fiance isn't either. Again, good luck and eyes open.

I understand a lot more of what he is going through since I have been conducting my own research. I have a goal and a fear. My goal is to involve his family to the point where they all finally see that he is very very sick and needs professional help. From what I have read, and from what I have seen personally, he is a rapid cycler and has violent and suicidal tendencies. He is self-destructing before my eyes. My fear is that I will lose him forever because I will now involve his family. Maybe he won't trust me anymore because he is trying to keep this illness away from everyone. I am his confidant, and I would be breaking that trust if I were to bring light to the situation.

Personal Note: Not too long ago, my fiance and I were on South Street in Philadelphia. We decided to have our cards read. Well, I had my cards read and it was very positive. In fact, it is the second time that I had my cards read while with him at his insistance where the outcome was very positive and favorable for me. He had his palm read the second time around. The psych said that he would soon be coming out of the darkness and see the light. I pray to God that this is what she meant.

Thank you for listening. It makes me feel much better to know that I am not alone in this endeavor. I appreciate this site. I love my fiance so much that it feels like my heart is suffocating with the emotional pain that has become my life with him. I pray that God will carry me through this time as I feel that I am having trouble standing and am now at a crawl.

Those here all have their own backgrounds and we try to give the best advice, a professional counselor may have some ideas that would help you.

In my opinion entering into marriage with boyfriend at this stage may not be in your best interest, no matter how much "in love" you are. I don't think getting married is going to fix things, and may exacerbate problems. Hope the best for you, I can hear in your writings how painful all of this is for you. Hugs, Norma

I read your reply to mine ... again, more exact similarities to the point I feel we could be writing each other's posts! I offer the following simply in the thinking that it makes us feel better to know that someone else is going through something similar, not to offer "advice" (which i'm getting so sick of. Leave him, save yourself. I know, I know. But it just can't be summed up so easily). My husband also pours on the apologies (although currently he is in a defiant, abusive phase), the heartfelt sentiments. His words are magic. And he's so sincere, it's so hard for me not to believe him. Until he does something so hurtful and awful yet again. And then I kick myself for believing him the last time. He also has caused all sorts of drama with the back-and-forth with his family -- according to him, all of his friends and family have detrimental things to say about me. He throws a huge fit at our house and then leaves to go to a relative's, with the attitude that I have yet again done something to him rather than vice versa.

I have tried to not play the girl who cried wolf when it comes to his family, but as his behavior has escalated I have had no choice but to involve them more and more. They were tolerant at first but now I think they're getting sick of it -- and based on the stories he has concocted of how horrible I am to him -- they just want it to end. He has always had "emotional problems" his whole life, but his behavior has escalated so bad with me that I think it's just easier for them to believe that the problem is me. And I have no doubt that when I leave, things will calm down, which will support everyone's viewpoint that it's me. But simply because it won't any longer be showing, I don't believe for a second that it's gone and I have no doubt it will surface again if the circumstances are right (i.e. not an enabling girlfriend). When two people point fingers at each other and call "Crazy!" it's just too much work for people to get to the bottom of the truth. It's much easier to just separate us, put us in our corners. I have repeatedly told his family that I believe their son/brother needs psychiatric care, and presented evidence. But the extreme evidence he writes off, justifies, and the not-so-extreme because a pissing match he said/she said marital spat. He is a master manipulator. Because he displays no extreme behavior around them and lies, lies, lies or twists, twists, twists the truth to each and every one of them, they don't believe me. He admits to small problems to bolster his credibility for denying the larger ones.

I am trying to extricate myself right now from the situation. Thank God we don't have children, because his is super unpredictable and his mood/rationale changes every 5 minutes, every hour, every few days. He is almost never the same way twice. Whatever I am, he's the opposite. My new strategy is to try to stay calm, agree with him no matter what, and also give him control of all situations so that he can't blame me when they go wrong.

Example: I'm silent and he accuses me of being hostile. I talk, and it's just an opening for abuse to be heaped on me. So today I asked him, "Do you want me to say hello to you, or would you rather I not?" I think he finally wised up to my strategy, though, because his answer was "whatever you want," throwing it back in my court.

Now I face the same. If I'm silent, it will be seen as a sign of hostility. If I chat, he will claim it is confusing, since I'm trying to move out and all, why would i try to be friendly with him?

When he says we have no future, I say, "Ok I'll leave" and this makes him angry. When he tries to make arguments of why we should be together, I bring up the fact that he just told me himself that he wants to divorce me, and his (angry) reply is that he only says that because I seem to not want to be with him to begin with (when I have repeatedly stated I love him and want to stay, but I won't be abused. He insists he doesn't abuse me, and that, ergo, the decision to leave is mine, and that I'm abandoning him.)

Today we had this literal argument:

Me: Is it Ok if keep my wedding ring and engagement ring and try to sell them, or do you want them?

Him: Legally they're mine.

Me: (conversation ensues to try to figure out why he thinks this, then...): Well, no, legally it's not yours, but if it's important to you or you feel you're really entitled to them, I don't want to argue or cause problems, so I'd be willing to give them to you.

Him: It's mine.

Me: Ok, here you go (placing them gently on table in front of him).

Him: (throws wedding ring at me.)

Me: Why are you angry? You asked for the rings, I gave them to you. Why throw them at me?

Him: I didn't throw it AT you. I tossed it in your direction.

and so on and so on and so on ......

I can't win.

He, too, has told me how I'm the only one for him, how I'm his life, his everything. It's heartbreaking because the monster is in there, but so is the good guy.

Even IF the family realizes your fiance has a huge problem, ultimately he is the only one to make the decision to get treated. And people in general don't tend to take on extra work. Even if they love him, as they should, the depth of their feeling does not rival yours -- and you, trying as hard, hard, hard as you can, haven't been able to solve the problem. So I doubt the family can help. I'm not saying don't try to get them involved, I'm just saying don't expect too much. Unless he is violent or suicidal, he won't get committed - and even then, he could snow everyone there.

I'm heartbroken and I feel the same (or, not to diminish your feelings, very very similar) anguish you do. I won't give you anymore advice, I'm only sharing my tale and you can take from it what you will.

I don't know if all this bad behavior is BP, some other mental disorder, or just bad. But whatever label it's got on it, defining it is no longer important to me. I just need relief. Heartbroken and alone is better than heartbroken and being abused.