Listen up non bipolars

first off I go to my parents house. no biggie

my dad and i have always seemed to have a strained relationship. I know he loves me and all (i truely believe he is bp too and is in denial) but sometimes he can just say things in a tone that makes me break down in a milli-second.

my mom has been laid off after they(my parents) agreed that they would help me with anything money wise I needed now that i've lost my job and can not draw unemployment now and until i get short term dis. to pay me something.

so needless to say i have more undo stress on me than my pdoc wants that was the purpose of putting me on med leave. so anyway.....we three(parents and i) are strolling thru Lowes and dad is trying to find some transformer thingy for his solar lights(whatever cause mom and I know nothing of what he needs) we stray down the same isle his on and are looking at different stuff when all of a sudden he gets our attention by yelling..."it's ok, just walk off, I have nothing important to say. Just go the hell own and do your own things!"

Ok at that moment i just drop my head and tear up. the first thought thru my mind is this...."he doesn't really love me and I'm just a burden to him. so why should i ask him for any kind of help. maybe he will be happy when i'm dead and buried." For the whole 25 min. ride back to the house not a word is uttered. so when he stops for gas i tell my mom (cause at this point i'm terrified to even talk to him) that i'm not staying and that i b/f needs me back home.(TOTAL LIE)

so we get home I pack my bags say i gotta cut the stay short, dad says why, i mumble something and he just looks at me like he knows i'm totally lying and says ok.

so take note all you non bp people if you are having a bad day or what the hell ever please please try not to make us bp people feel so unloved that we are afraid to talk to you cause you make us feel so worthless like the incident above. thanks to that i'm know down the $40.00 in the bank and no money coming in and right now i wouldn't ask him for help if the repo man was knocking on my door right now. i would just let them take everything i own before i would breakdown in front of him like a worthless, piece of shit human that he makes me feel like.

i know that most of this is the bp talking but this has been a staple in my life since i was very young. i'm not saying you have to treat us any different than you would treat a perfect stranger but dang some of you out there have done this you know you have so please for the sake of the person with bp that you love always take time to explain to us that it isn't us you are mad at, or upset with. you have to talk to us just like we have to talk to the docs so that we don't mistake that your anger or mean tone is because of us. BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT AND HOW WE THINK!!!!!!

I didn't mean to come off mean to anyone but my dad, so don't take it that way.

Post edited by: p8ntballgrl, at: 03/29/2008 14:02

i think i need my meds....lol

maybe i should explain a little more. I just drove 2 hrs back to my house and everytime i came to a rode where there was no cars i thought of running my car off the road, thinking, car would be paid for,parents will get money from life insurance, b/f will get money for life insurance. all because of someone's tone of speach, and lack of understanding of how i think. I couldn't take my meds till just now cause i can't drive when i take my meds.

to me when i have to alter my meds because of someone i feel that someone isn't good for me to be around.

Post edited by: p8ntballgrl, at: 03/29/2008 00:33

And you have to forgive your dad and be the better person- for your own sake. He doesn't know any better, especially if he truly is sick too.

Post edited by: 2butterflys, at: 03/29/2008 00:42

Love

Gloria

i know he is scared for me but with this bp it's hard for us to see that's it's just a moment in time not a lifetime. if that makes any sense.

we only see the now not what's behind the now.

You and I have so much in common it is kind of scary. My father and I had a horrible time when I was growing up. He was totally abusive, and knowing now that I am bp I think he is my genetic link. While I have done a lot of work to forgive him, there are still times when he pushes my buttons. I get the suicidal thoughts from my mom though. I have the same exact pattern of thoughts as you described. I think of what better place the world will be without me and all my normal racket. I think of who I would leave my things to, kind of like a personal who loves me and I know it inventory. I think the suicidal aspect for me comes from my total disappointment in other people. So much so that I get to the point that I don't even want to deal with anyone ever again. I think that is the bp side of me in that I get so disgusted with people and irritated at the injustices of the world, and then think the solution is to terminate my existence. I think there are a lot of physiological things involved in all this too.

All I can say is when you start thinking your self-destructive thoughts, give yourself x (amount) of hours (time) to let the experience settle in. Don't expect yourself to have the perfect response to a messed up situation. Give yourself a chance to digest things, and see them for what they are (you seem to be very good at that).

Angela

That whole worthlessness feeling is the absolute worst for me. I even wrote in my journal as a teen or in my early twenties a detailed account of how the world would be so much better off without me in it. Then sometimes I can't belive I would think like that.

I'm wondering, well I know I should tell the pdoc but kinda afraid to. I'm so afraid he will want a group session with my parents and i just can't do that. I know excatly how it will go and my dad will end up being hurt over things. when i was admitted to a pshyc unit and he and my mom came mom said he just broke down when he found out i had been cutting myself. that doc told him it was because I was jealous of my little brother sooooo not true.

do you tend to relate to songs at all. sometimes i think i may have OCD cause if i find a song that i'm really feeling, i will just wear it out till i can't stand the stupid song anymore.

right now i'm really feeling this song........MAGIC BY COLBIE CALLAT.

you really need to find it and listen to it it's great.

well maybe i should ask what kind of music you like first....lol