Bipolar Support Group

I recently joined this forum and have read some postings which have helped me tremendously.

My partner has been diagnosed with Bipolar I. It took us a long time to find that out – many doctors were seeing him, prescribing different meds, etc. As he is also a recovering alcoholic, we thought that his ‘issues’ simply related to post alcohol abuse issues. I heard in rooms of AA (where I went occasionally as a support to my partner) that recovering alcoholics were angry because they were de-toxing, etc. I believed it, so when he yelled 2 cm from my face, and hit the wall around me, and broke things, and used the smallest thing to blame it all on me and storm out of the house, only to return in the wee hours of the morning, after either being in the strip club or with a prostitute. I think at that stage I was too shell shocked by this whole behaviour to truly get it. I have never been treated that way by anyone. Actually, I have always been treated as a princess by everyone and men have only ever adored me – I have never ever been cheated on. So I was crushed and immobilised by this form of emotional abuse. He banned me from speaking with my friends, and I obliged because he just made it very tough on me if I didn’t, for example, I received a text message from a girl friend of mine, he smashed my phone, cut up my sim card, all whilst yelling, and stormed out to see the prostitute. For a couple of years I walked on eggshells, trying not to stir up too much trouble. I guess it is extremely important to say that in between those episodes, he was the man I fell in love with – sensitive, caring and quiet. Now, I do not call myself a religious person but I honestly considered an option that he was maybe possessed with some evil spirit. I know this sounds completely crazy but that is exactly what it looked like. I never could tell anything to anyone, I was worried about them sending the police over and I was honestly scared what would come out of it. Anyway, we moved the city and I think that triggered a major episode. This is when I finally figured out something was not right as it appeared that all rationality went out of the window. It reminded me of a hurricane – you see it coming your way and it’s just getting bigger and bigger, and you can’t hide anywhere. I was given a name of a psychiatrist who managed to see him (after me sobbing on the phone to his assistant). He was given the lithium however that did not help with the anger at all. Doctor then gave him Zyprexa, which calmed him and he is still on it now.

It’s been over 2 years since then. We moved back to our previous place, he has kept the same job for 2 years, no cheating either which is lovely. At times he still goes off his tree, he calls me horrible names, follows me around the house just so he could argue with me, threatens he would leave me and take my dog with him with a smile on his face. At times, I really do hate him and wish he would just disappear out of my life. I think maybe this is karma, I left some perfectly wonderful men in my life, so this must be some payback – I don’t know. The doctor said that most relationships with bipolar patients do not last. I can see why – it’s just too hard at times. The “flavour of this month” is silly loud singing, looking himself in the mirror, ignoring me completely as if I wasn’t there at all. He talks to my dog but refuses to talk to me. Pretty weird actually, but there is always the same pattern – grandiosity, selfishness, verbal abuse (calling names e.g. an idiot, moron etc) or complete ignoring, threats to leave. Anyone else going through the same or similar thing?

He sounds like a dangerously violent man who has stuck a bipolar badge on himself and expects everyone to let him do whatever he chooses. That has nothing to do with being bipolar.

Selfishness, meanness, and especially violent and threatening behavior are not an "acceptable standard" just because someone is bipolar.

I can be mean and hateful when I'm manic. But it is still the wrong thing to do. When I am recovered, I must still take responsibility for my actions and apologize. Most importantly, when I feel that mood coming on, I must look for a way to change it -- not just decide that behavior is okay and people will have to deal.

Bipolar people are not violent, name-calling narcissists on a regular basis.

And in any case, don't let someone treat you this way.

Oops, off on a rant.

I agree with marimac. This is a part of his personality and you are being abused. You need to think of yourself and get the heck away from him as fast as you can. Your wrong, you don't deserve this treatment and it is not payback.

Amy77,

Not all those suffering from Bipolar do this... and those that do usually do under episodes of hypomania -> mania.

That said, I felt like I could have written your post.

I am not BP1 - my wife is. One of the things I really had a hard time dealing with when we were together was name calling. And I called her on it - made it a big big deal. Now she will stop herself if she says something dumb "you idiot" etc.

Mirrors?!? Yes my house has mirrors. A side-lit vanity mirror was a fixture of the the living room for some time.

Strip clubs/prostitutes and storming out. The same, except my wife doesn't have to go to a prostitute.

Possessed by an evil spirit/demon during episodes: Yes!!! It's the only way I can describe it to others, and feel better/not-blaming after it subsides.

Blame and following around at 2, 3am wanting to fight: Yes, this too.

Between episodes? The person you describe is why I stay(ed).

Most of what you're describing is the start of an untreated manic episode.

As far as them lasting, ugh, in the middle of a super-huge 'keep-the-faith' moment.

Hang in there for yourself. No matter what happens, your health is most important.

Not bagging on Bipolars - obviously I'm in love with one! Manic moods get ultra-frustrating without proper medication though.

I can honestly say that, though to a smaller degree, I do the same with my boyfriend, who gave me an ultimatum the last time I cheated when I was manic. "Get help, or go back to RI." He and I love each other immensely, and I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me. He has not sent me packing simply because I agreed to get help, and am actively doing so.

The next time he is stable, I would recommend you offer the same ultimatum to you significant other. Pair it with couple's counseling, even. He should also stick with the treatment and help, so that he does not end up taking steps backward toward becoming the person you do not like.

As someone who has been in an emotionally abusive relationship before, I know it's hard to deal with, and leaving is even harder when you love the other person. However, not to sound harsh, but if things do not get better, or if you offer the ultimatum and he does not agree or he agrees and does not seek help and continue it, the best thing for you may be to leave.

nerdycrafter -

I'm there on the ultimatum. With the couple's counseling in tow... that won't happen unless meds happen.

Said it once before three weeks ago... didn't keep to my promise then, but now it's turning out that way(knock on wood).

I am DX'd ADD - take focalin and sometimes ambien. Wife is BP1, unmedicated almost a month.

NC - I have a very strong reaction to your story. His behavior is not due to his bipolar. I have bipolar II, so only have hypomania, but I have never been even remotely abusive to anyone.

There is NO EXCUSE for his behavior. I don't care if you were a very bad person, there is no excuse for that sort (or any sort) of abuse.

I would recommend that you leave. If you continue to stay, you will eventually hate him. He will kill any positive feelings you had for him and he will waste your life to boot.

However, if you want to stick it out, give him the ultimatum and follow through with it. If he takes it, you will have to monitor his actions to see that he is sticking to the bargain, taking his meds, etc. Once he has you back, his tendency will be to stop.

If you leave him, be very cautious about your safety. You may have to get a restraining order and/or move to a secret place. This might be an over reaction on my part, but better safe than sorry.

Thank you all, you are very kind to respond and provide such helpful feedback. Special thanks to checksinthemail. I am so grateful to you for sharing you story, I feel so much more comfortable knowing that he was diagnosed correctly. I have so many questions for you, if you don’t mind sharing some of your wisdom with me.

For example, what medication is your wife on, and is it helpful? Do you have any special ways of knowing when it’s ‘coming on’ and what do you do? Have you noticed that some things annoy her more than others? How often does she go manic? And, what’s with the mirrors? Feelings of grandiosity and superiority perhaps? How long does it last for? Does she get depressed after? And, most importantly, how do you cope? Are you ok?

In response to other comments, please do not worry about me – I am ok. I described the worse, so I could find someone like checksinthemail. I guess my comment about karma was in alignment to a saying ‘why me?’. Please do not think I believe I deserve this or that I have ever done anything to deserve it – I was simply pointing out that I had options of other, more healthy relationships but I chose this one.

Over the past few years I have learnt to protect myself emotionally – I have had help from carer support group who has, through a crash course, taught me to try to disassociate and walk away, and set boundaries. My life has improved great deal since then.

Days when my partner believed he didn’t need the medication are well over – he is pretty good with that. We do however need to find a new doctor and that is not always easy as I’m sure most of you have already discovered. He is more than happy to go, my part of the deal is to find the doctor and book it for him. I am hoping that medication will help.

Thank you all again for you care. Amy77.

Post edited by: Amy77, at: 07/20/2009 03:44 AM