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07/16/2009 06:18 PM

So depressed....please help.

zeldabelle

I finally reached a new low in my depression today. It was my day off and I slept all day. When I woke up I still felt tired and like I was in a daze. It feels like my body and mind is in slow motion. I took the dogs for a walk with my boyfriend to try to cheer me up, though it didn't work really well.

*Part* of the trigger was my ex-boyfriend contacting me today about some old library books I took out on his account several years ago (and never returned). He asked me to take them back if I still have them and to pay the fine so he can "get it off his credit report". I understand why he'd want me to pay it, but he came out of left field after so long. I broke up with him, though he's moved on, got a new position at work, and is now going to school. I was the one who encouraged him to get back in school and repair his credit when we were still together. Now he seems to be doing great and I feel like I'm a waste. I'm in grad school with a 3.9 average and I'm close to doing my internship. I feel worthless like I won't be able to do it and I'm never going to graduate. I did take steps to better my credit report, though I have trouble keeping my finances straight because I forget things a lot and I feel worthless because of that. I feel bad that I don't have money to go on vacations like everyone else, I have a hard time waking up in the morning, I feel lethargic all the time... I feel like I hate myself right now. I feel like I want to die (I don't have a plan or intention; don't worry). I thought about cutting myself today, though I didn't. I have an appointment with the new pdoc at the end of this month; it was the soonest I could get in (thank God someone cancelled).

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to cry. I don't want to hate myself. Why was I even born if I have to suffer like this? I feel like I'm never going to amount to anything. All I ask for is to feel some joy sometimes, be able to stop and smell the roses. I just want all this to stop.

Chrissie.

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07/16/2009 07:27 PM
SiouxInMyBlood
SiouxInMyBlood  
Posts: 432
Member

Chrissie, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. All I can do right now is encourage you. If your depression gets worse, please consider going to the ER- that would get you atleast seen by a Pdoc. Take care of you, don't cut and stay strong... You must be a strong person to have shared your pain on here... keep it upSmile

SIMB


07/16/2009 07:31 PM
exl2398
Posts: 89
Member

I know exactly how you feel. I always get stuck in that never ending mind trap of feeling like I've gone nowhere in life. I always feel that way, as I have no focus, especially right now. I am not working (on leave), not in school anymore (graduated in 2006), anything. But my pdoc and tdoc tell me that when I feel this way I need to do things. It is also good to keep in mind that life is in a constant state of becoming. I know that sounds like a academic cliche, but it is true. Life is ever changing. Know that even know you are down now that it will not last forever (even though with so many of us BPs it does return). Make a list of what you have done with this life thus far and focus on it, what is on the list, not what is not on the list. If you actually sit down and try to do this it can really amaze you, and focus you.

07/16/2009 07:35 PM
dusty12
dusty12  
Posts: 309
Senior Member

please please stick around i dont know u but i know where ur coming from andi want to hear more

07/16/2009 08:35 PM
taurus
taurusPosts: 2893
Senior Member

What your feeling is from your depression. It's the depression talking to you. Don't let it win. You have accomplished so much and will accomplish so much more. You are not going to fail because you won't let yourself. A 3.9 average is not an easy feat by any means. You should be proud of yourself and not beat yourself up. I know it's hard when your depressed but remember it's a chemical imbalance and it's only temorary even though it doesn't feel like it. Go to the ER if it gets to bad and stay strong, this will pass and you will feel joy again.

07/16/2009 08:40 PM
zeldabelle

Thanks for your posts. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. I will try to sit down and make that list exl. I haven't done that in a long time and sometimes it helps to visually see the accomplishments I've made in my life. I have a few essays that I have to do tonight for school and I just can't get myself to do them right now. I feel so useless. I would like to try to take a semester off, but I'm so close to graduating...and my grandparents are 88 and 91 and I want them to see me graduate before they die. That's all they talk about. I already to seem to let myself down all the time, I don't want to let them down too.

I wish things didn't always appear so complicated in my mind. I have this "all or nothing" mentality. I either have to be 100% perfect or I just feel like giving up completely.


07/17/2009 04:16 AM
ApRiLGeTsAngry77

zeldabelle- Congrats on having such a high gpa. I just graduated and I know how hard it is to keep your gpa up. You should be very proud of yourself. I, like you, can not afford to take "vacations" either. But in all reality, what is a vacation? It is a break away from the hustle and bustle and relaxation. I take mini vacations from reality by meditating. I also take warm baths to relax and pretend I am on vacation from reality.

As Taurus said, hang in there, the depression is only temporary and it will pass. My therapist told me to observe my depression as if it is outside my body. Describe it and acknowledge it but don't let it take over you. This is A LOT easier said than done. But please give it a try.

And if nobody else has said it: You are doing a good job! Graduate School is not for pansies and you have a bf so you go girl!


07/17/2009 09:40 AM
zeldabelle

Hehe...It made me smile when you said "Graduate School is not for pansies." Thanks, I needed that.

07/17/2009 10:06 AM
Dit
Dit  
Posts: 13724
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

zelda, so sorry to hear you are feeling so depressed. I can relate to your feelings very much. I hate it so much whenever I get like that. I tend to "snap out of it" eventually and yes sometimes feels like such a long time and thank God for my meds, support systems, etc. Hopefully you will "snap out of it" too.

Everytime I read your posts I learn so much about this illness b/c you seem to have a lot of insight about yourself and bipolar illness. Thanks so much for all your sharing here at mdj. Hoping you get well soon and keep smiling (if you still can). Ermm

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