carmen33
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Hey Jenn, I am glad to hear that you have made progress with him, it's wonderful, I simply don't know about bothering with couples counseling with mine anymore, been there and done that more times than I can count, I've done my best to get across to him the things, demons as I call them that he needs to face, he doesn't want too and there is nothing I can do to help him realize that without facing those demons, he can't grow and get well. It does sound like the "psycho/controlling" girlfriend, lol, that is one of the biggest fights I find myself in at the moment.. do I have to step in and control his life? force him to get the help that he needs? which would not work anyway, till he is willing to at less admit he has a problem, or do I just give up and let him fall on his face? we're both alcoholics in recovery, me at 15 yrs and him at 10 now, for us as alcoholics, no matter who and how many times someone told us we had a problem, we would not have admitted it and gotten help, we had to hit bottom, and face our own demons, being a bipolar although I didn't know it at the time, it was a life or death matter for me to face mine and face them early in my path towards sobriety.. without seeking help for my drinking, I don't believe I would have ever gotten help for the bipolar.. I don't believe he is bipolar as he doesn't show any of the text book symptoms, nor does he show what I have experienced, or what I have read on here, but he does show the passive/aggressive traits and some PTSD, whether service related or childhood related, I am not sure, but I know he has major demons that have yet to be faced.. if he is passive/aggressive, then I don't believe that he has ever done the steps that a alcoholic does to aid in their recovery properly, he might have done them on paper, but I don't believe he has done them in his heart which is where we have to, to fully start on the path to recovery.. and that means he is what is called a dry drunk, and I am probably the only thing that stands between him and his first drink, and it's only a matter of time before even I am not enough to keep him from it. My heart is really hurting right now, as this morning, there was something that was getting to him, I could tell as he tends to turn snappy when something is bothering him, I asked him to talk with me about it, and got snapped at for my efforts, I was told he wasn't ready to talk with me, so I said ok, later in the morning I decided to take a nap, I had been up since about 530am, and I went and laid down, he came and took a nap later, and then got up, my alarm went off, I got up and he wasn't in the room, no biggie, I went to use the restroom, and it's right next to the computer room where he was, as I was sitting on the pot I over heard him talking to someone about what was going on with him, and what he was experiencing, it broke my heart that he felt like he could not talk with me about it.. It made me realize that I am his wife in name only, and when it comes to the sharing and caring that is suppose to be between two people I don't fall into that space in his life, a fight we have had before and I tried to deal with in counseling, in his life I am nothing more than a meal ticket, a maid, and a whore.. don't get me wrong, I am grateful that he could feel like he could talk with someone about what is going on with him, I just wish I could be included in that group.. it's like having him help me here at the house, prior to my suicide attempt back in July of last year, I was the one doing all the work supporting this family, I was the one doing all the house work, and cooking, his excuses were he hurts to much, he does have health challenges, I admit, recognize and respect this, I'm not asking that he makes 30.00 a hour, just that he brings in enough to help with the household expenses, and if he can't work at a "job" that he at least help around the house, I don't demand a spotless, eat off the floor kinda place, but at least something that I would not be embarrassed to ask someone over, he could not even do this, he would claim he didn't know what I wanted to eat so he could not fix dinner, I eat the same things as he does, except for his pickles and hot peppers.. while he had all these challenges to helping me (us as a family) he would break his neck getting over to help someone else.. another fight we have fought repeatedly and tried to deal with in counseling, didn't work. We were offered more counseling after another of our fights, and I contacted our Church about seeing if he could get help through them, they offered us couples counseling and I refused to go, told him he could if he wanted but I wasn't going to waste their time or mine as I knew it would be like before, he would be good for a couple of days and then it would be right back to the same shit as before, why bother? Now that I feel that I have been literally smacked upside the head with the fact that I am nothing in his life than a bed warmer, I am at the point as what to do with this revelation, do I continue to be a bed warmer, or do I get out and just get on with my life, without all the stress and bullshit? I don't know.. I really don't, sorry about carrying on so, it's just nice to have a place you can go and talk with someone.. Hugs. |
