bluelunablack
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Hello, I'm new to this forum. I need help; I can't find it in real life, so I went online to see if anyone can give me a few ideas. I guess I should explain how I got here. When I was around 17 years old I started to "change" for the worst. I don't come from a family that sees mental illness as a real thing. To them, it's all in my head; I should be able to control this on my own without the help of med, family, friends or even a psych dr. It doesn’t help that I have a twin that is “normal”. What it really comes down to is my family has no interest in you if they can’t take something from you. I have nothing to offer, so I am a failure. The lack of support via friends and family is no surprise. My parents have never put their needs second to any of their children. So when I was “normal” I was able to care for not only myself but my younger sisters. However, now that my emotions are too much for me to bear, they’ve all but left me. They only call to tell me what I waste I am, how I’ve failed, and how the old me would of never let this happen. What they don’t understand is the old me is still here, it’s just hidden under a layer of depression or in some cases a layer of mania. I wish I could control my emotions. It has cost me in every way possible. I dropped out of college after sleeping an entire semester. That cost me dearly in terms of student loans. While I was in college and sleeping away, my room-mate thought it would be a good idea for me to see student heath. I went, and they too, thought that I should see a real therapist and not just someone with student heath. They picked a local office and set up an appt for me. I went for a few months. It was a waste of my time and money. The guy told me to listen to music while I sleep to help when I couldn’t sleep. I told him I’ve listened to music every night when I went to bed since I was in elementary school. This was the best he could offer. Needless to say, I was depressed stopped going after a few months. At the time I was no diagnosed with anything and no meds were prescribed. So, the term ends and I go home. My family makes it clear that I’ve just ended any chance of happiness as I’m now a college drop out. Granted the goal was to figure out what was wrong with me and then go back to college. However five years later, I’m still trying to piece together this mess I’ve made. What has happened since then? I moved out of my parent’s house into my boyfriend’s. I eventually cut out my father and stepmother due to the stress of seeing them/hearing from them. I keep in contact, but no more than once every week or two, with the rest of my family. I’ve been together with my boyfriend for four years now. We’ve been through a lot. During a manic phase I became pregnant. We decided to give up the child because neither of us was able to finically care for him and I wasn’t able to handle my mood enough to handle anyone but me. After the pregnancy I was lonely and depressed. The depression stayed with me for over a year with a few manic phases sprinkled here and there. I tried going back to the local therapist office. (They had two years earlier, diagnosed me as bipolar type 2.) Since I am unemployed I was on the county heath care. It was awful. I was expected to go once a week for an hour. They never saw me on time; the visits averaged about 15 mins each time. The therapist never remembered my name or what I needed help with. The psychiatrist was even worst! She saw me for less than 30 mins, saw on my file, that earlier, while I was employed, that I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2. I told her the Zyprexa cause sever weight gain. She explained this is just something I need to get used to. I was up front and honest. I told her that, 20 plus pounds wasn’t acceptable. She then gave me a bag full of Depakote and told me to check in with her once a month and to see the therapist on site. It was waste of my time. Neither Zyprexa nor Depakote did anything for my moods. I was still in pain. I felt as no one believed me and if they did because of my unemployment status no one cared. I live in the mid-west in an area hit hard by the migration of the manufacturing industry to Mexico and other countries. While I wasn’t in manufacturing, the town I live in has lost over 20,000 jobs, so the hit was felt in very part of town. I might add that the town I live in doesn’t even have 20,000 full time residents! So you can see a hit like that, well it hurts! Add two years of unemployment and the reason being bipolar, and well the employers run for the hills. So here I am depressed, in my pajamas trying to fix this. I apply every week for at least one job, with the goal for four a week. Sometimes I can’t fill that because a few weeks only four or five jobs were posted. So how does someone with bipolar fix it when they’ve fallen? I can’t fix this. I’m losing hope fast. I don’t have insurance, so I self medicate with pot. I know this isn’t the best, however I can’t afford to see a Dr and the only one in town has made it clear that if you don’t have insurance be ready to be treated as a non-person. I’m sorry I’m just angry. I have a boyfriend to lean on and that’s it. He doesn’t even like that I’m bipolar. So I just need a friend. God, that sounds so pathetic. You know I think I just need a hug. I don’t know what I need. I’m just so tired of being me. |
