New and need help with BP husband

This is my first day here and I need some help. @yrs ago my husband became sick. He hid it from everyone and finally told me after I found out he had been talking to someone on Myspace. He told me he had been very depressed. We went to the dr. and every med he was put on made him worse. This started in 2 07. Last Aug the dr. put him on Zoloft and within 3 weeks I lost my husband. The dr. said he had been miss dx and was BP. He doesn't believe the dr and to thi day still doesn't.He wouldn't call me or the kids, (he works in a different state and comes home on weekends) didn't come home and my gut kept telling me there was bad stuff going on. Ends up he was having an affair spent 25,000 and did everything a 18yr old would do. He didn't care that the electricity was being shut off because everything was bouncing. He was opening secret acct. bought this girl and himself secret cell phones like 1 day after he met her. Bought me a ring that I always wanted right before he met her at a hotel. I mean really crazy stuff. He says he wants a divorce and that he hasn't loved me in yrs. We've been 2gether for 17yrs. I believe that is not true because I felt his love until Sept. 07 when all this started. He told me on Jan. 13 he never wanted me to touch him ever again and to stay away from him. Last weekend I saw a glimpse of the man I married and for someone who didn't want me to ever touch me he did. We even laughed and had some fun. But he still said he wants a divorce. He's not with anyone. His excuse is that when I was sick I hurt him to much (I was verbally abusive to him)and that he has to much resentment towards me. This is all knew to me. He has never said anything to me before. He also said that if we lived together he would want to go out and not have to call me. My concern was what if i went out and I didn't call, what would happen to the kids if no one showed up? He said that's why we shouldn't live together.

My question is, does this sound like BP or am I the crazy one. He hated me in Jan. Now we sometime laugh and have fun. He tells me it's all my imagination and me and the Dr. are wrong. He makes me feel like he is fine and we were wrong.

Please help me figure out what is happening.

Thank you all!!!

Hope I helped a little...remember we're all here for you and I'm glad you found us.

Hugs

~Tonya

I personnally would have trouble taking him back without lots of counseling....I would have to be in control of the money...if I even got an idea he was cheating again...out the door....that is if you want to try to work things out...to me the deal breaker is the cheating..and although he says he is not with anyone how can you be sure???

I don't know??? I would follow my head instead of my heart on this one...as desparately as you want him back it sounds like he wants to leave...and is just toying with you.

Please know that I have been through something very similar to what you are now experiencing. Yes, it is bipolar. The disease is terrible and what it does to the person affected with it and their families is tragic. My story is a very, very long one and continues today. I won't go through the whole thing here, but if you want to know more I will PM you and give you the whole sordid mess. My husband and I were together since we were 19 and married at 27. We both turned 40 in September. We have two kids. I don't know if my husband was going on myspace or not, but it wouldn't surprise me. He did in fact spend a ton of time on the internet downloading porn that I only found out later. He also communicated with a woman by cell phone (his) email, text message, and eventually by AOL Instant Message. He was and still is very affected by hypersexuality.

I am in the process of a divorce that was not my choice and honestly my kids and I are still hurting badly. We are better than we were thanks to counseling, this forum, friends and family. When it all started I was shattered. I couldn't believe something like this could happen to me or to us - like something out of a nightmare. I went through all of the stages of grief and continue to do so. He decided to act on his feelings for another woman in June, walked out in July was MIA for 3 wks, slept with her in August, came home in August and was diagnosed BP, and then stayed with us 4 months. Unbeknownst to me he picked back up with her in November and was actually sleeping with both of us. It still disgusts me to think about it. He left 2 wks before Christmas and has "come back" if you can call it that in Jan, Feb, and again this month. It's crazy what happens with them and with us. It hurts so bad and I know you feel like nothing will ever make it go away. My husband filed for divorce the day after our 14th wedding anniversary. It was less than a week after he had "come back".

He and I grew up together and were best friends. That being said, he never told me any of what he had been feeling for so long with the mood swings. I noticed some things but they manifested themselves differently than how they did this past year. 2007 - now things became so much more pronounced. I'm sure if you think back a ways you will remember some behaviors that were kind of out of character. Let me just say that for me everything was so gradual and then - BOOM!

My months of agony and research and healing have told me a few things that I want to share with you. First, you cannot take any of what he says personally. It isn't you - it is the BP. Second, getting the meds right takes time. Even when the meds are right, the person with BP has to take them regularly as prescribed. Anything can cause behavior changes in connection with the meds - drinking, drugs, self-medicating, etc. Third, no matter how much you want a person with BP to get help, they have to want to do it for themselves. No ultimatim will work. Once they decide they want to get better, they have to be willing to do what it takes.

My counselor told me that I had to stop swinging with him (ie mirroring his moods). It was making me physically and emotionally ill and I just couldn't be that way because my kids need me. It took awhile for me to stop and even now my heart flutters when he calls. I love him and always will, but he's not well and at this point isn't willing to do what it takes to get there. So, he filed for divorce, got an apartment, and continued his relationship. I won't enable him anymore. I know that as long as I do, he will never get to the place that he needs to get to for him to decide that he needs to be well. I think he started taking his meds again, but cycles rapidly between hypomania and depression. I feel bad for him because he looks so lost. You will get to that point too. Just know that you cannot help him - he has to help himself, ok?

Send me a PM if you want to talk more. Everyone on this forum is here for you and will give you unlimited support-all you need to do is ask. Be strong.