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tsievertsen Posts: 29
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One of the things that I've learned while going through this battle of BP is that it's not an excuse. My docs tell me that every action I make is because I'm BP, but I find that that's only an excuse, it doesn't excuse the fact that I spent every dime we had and almost lost my house, I've put my family through bankruptcy twice, I've had two affairs, and thank the Lord that my husband hasn't left me yet. My doc says I've done all of this because I've got BP...I say so what, it's not an excuse. I got help... I was finally honest with my docs, told them that I wasn't taking my meds like I was suppose to and they helped me. I was an awful mother, wife, daughter-in-law and sister-in-law. I was never awful to my family, but I don't have the day to day contact with them like I do my in laws. I have their support, their love, and their strength to help guide me everyday. There isn't a day that goes by that my husband doesn't ask me if I'm ok, or if we're ok, and I hate that. I hate it because it reminds me that I've screwed up, and that I've got this damn disease. He tells me everyday that he loves me, trusts me, and wants to be with me. I sometimes question the trust he has for me, and only because I don't understand how he can trust me after all the awful things I've done. I believe that I'm a good person, I believe that I can make it through this life everyday. I believe that right now anyway, give me a few hours, it could be different. My sister-in-law is the one that suggested to me that I find a support group. I looked here... I don't want to go to a support group that meets once a week or once a month, I don't want that kind of commitment, however, I do believe that having the support that I find here helps a lot too. I see my therapist once every two weeks, as that's all that my insurance allows. But I see him when I need him, or even when I feel I really don't need him. I see my med doc when I feel like things aren't working. There isn't anything worse than having to take these stupid pills everyday, but I know what happens to me if I don't. I've paid for that mistake, my family has paid for that mistake. I just wish we could find the right cocktail to keep me from going through the day to day ups and downs. I hate waking up and wondering what kind of mood I'm going to be in today. Anyone else hate asking themselves that same question? I know that's why my hubby asks me everyday if I'm ok, reminds me to take my pills, asks me at least four times a day if I took my pills, and asks me if we're ok today. Life is so much fun!!!Ok, I'm done babbling...for now...lol. Have a great day everyone. ~Tonya Post edited by: tsievertsen, at: 03/25/2008 09:53
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norma  Posts: 10109
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Dear Tonya, You sound like you have a loving husband who sees the beautiful person you are...please forgive yourself for mistakes...and accept the future as a bright one. This forum is a good place to vent, and share with others who understand and accept you. Glad you are posting...hugs, Norma Comments made by me are from my own experience and they are my opinion alone, whose intent is only to share that opinion and not to give medical advice nor discourage from seeking medical help. Medicine is best left to the professionals that is what they do.
"In the time of your life, live-so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but, shall smile to the infinite variety and mystery of it." William Saroyan
Disclaimer: The information provided in MDJunction is not a replacement for medical diagnosis, treatment, or professional medical advice.
Rest in Peace, Gloria...you will be missed. |
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tsievertsen Posts: 29
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Thank you Norma. My husband is a very special man, and I love him with all I have. One day I do hope to forgive myself for the things I've done, but it's going to take some time. I think he's a better person than I for being able to forgive as easily as he has. Lots of hugs, ~Tonya |
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norma Posts: 10109
Group Leader
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Sugar, stop beating yourself up....let the above letter you wrote cleanse you and start new with all the old stuff washed away....I think you are super for working so hard to get well....hats off...Norma Comments made by me are from my own experience and they are my opinion alone, whose intent is only to share that opinion and not to give medical advice nor discourage from seeking medical help. Medicine is best left to the professionals that is what they do.
"In the time of your life, live-so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but, shall smile to the infinite variety and mystery of it." William Saroyan
Disclaimer: The information provided in MDJunction is not a replacement for medical diagnosis, treatment, or professional medical advice.
Rest in Peace, Gloria...you will be missed. |
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Gypsy Posts: 1646
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Hi Tonya, I Went through the initial guilt, too. It's like it all became clear. We are responsible for our actions when we are sick, but, It is motivated by the bipolar. I just changes lanes all of the time...LOL I got through all of that guilt with my therapist. Bipolar is not your fault. You have a wonderful husband. I have one, too. He does the same thing yours does. He just cares and wants to be there. You are a person with bipolar, it's not you. You have an illness. If you take care of it now, you can start healing, and have a good life, and be there for your family. This illness takes everything from us. Also the guilt is part of the illness, too. As your meds start working, and you get more balanced, the symptoms get more manageable. Life will get better. This phase will pass, and you will start enjoying your life. God Bless,Gypsy |
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red1965 Posts: 5630
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Tonya, hang in there. Sounds like you are on the right track, you are getting the medical attention you need and deserve. Try not to dwell on the past but look to the future. What is done is done and there is nothing you can do about that. Give it up to God, He can handle the burdens that we cannot. Count your blessings, you have a husband that loves you enough to endure all of this with you. He has and has had the option we will not talk about here and he chooses to be with you and help you where ever he can. Please don't be uspet with him because he checks in on you, he is trying to take care of someone very precious to him the best way he knows how. It does not sound like he is doing these things out of distrust but out of love. Just love him back as best you can. The meds help tremendously, hang in there. Give them time to work and/or find the right ones. They make all the difference. HUGS TO YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND!!! God Bless the both of you. RED |
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