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i hate this . . . i feel like i'm asking you guys for so much support and giving so little myself. . . but i am falling apart right now. i want to call my ex so bad and tell him to come home and that all is forgiven. i've been feeling so alone and lonely lately. but the real thing is - he came over on saturday - and god, i'm an idiot. i let him in. he told me that he was trying to break up with his girlfriend because he was ready to be the man i need in my life. but he couldn't cuz he needs her to drive him around (he lost his license cuz of a dui). and he had to be sure that he had a way to work and back. he said that he missed me and he would be everything to me if i took him back. all i'd have to do is drive him everywhere. . . and the rest he would take care of. it is on me tho, why did i let him in? i feel like such a fool. so anyway he cried to me, hugged me and kissed me and we made out a little. i let him. . . i am such an idiot. . . part of me was like - feeling revenge against the woman that he left me for. . .and another part of me was heart broken and wounded and searching for someone to save me and looking to this man who has done nothing but hurt me for so long. . . and i am sad. i am lonely. i spent the majority of the weekend in various stages of sadness and sleep. . but not being able to cry. . . i chalk that up to my medication. i don't want to call him. i don't want to let him back in my life. . . but god, i miss him soooo much. i was with him for 11 years. . . and i don't know if i can go on without him. imagine that - i'd rather be abused than be alone. . . i guess that i am posting this in hopes that i'll have someone to talk to - so i won't call him. . .crazy thing is i know that if i call him - he won't have time for me. i know that he only came to me cuz he was hurting and not to comfort me. not to try to win me back or anything. . . most likely he had a fight with his girlfriend and needed his ego to be boosted. and i did that for him. . . ug! ug! ug! i'm a complete idiot. |
