|
|
mbrento
 Posts: 52
Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Thanks for writing ichayim, I appreciate your insight. So with all the "evidence" --- an army of family members and friends to supposedly attest to his character and say that he is not "disturbed" in any way --- what makes you cling to your own beliefs? I've got 15 people on his "side" and one on mine.(I struggle to even find the right words to use. Everything has a negative connotation, and it's all blame, blame, blame and finger pointing. I'm finding it an impossible cycle to navigate -- try to convince him he needs help, while avoiding all hints and implications that he is in any way "at fault," "to blame," "wrong." He just thinks I'm constantly picking on him) Also, everyone says he has to hit rock bottom . . . well, I have no doubt things would calm down if I were not in the picture, because no one would be around to notice his behavior, much less be in a position to point it out to him. So I leave, he calms down and appears normal until he inflicts himself on the next person, and so on ... is that pretty much how it goes? If he's "calm" after I leave, that just "proves" it's me. How do I "win"? By walking away from the man and the life that I love? Yay me. |
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
mbrento
Posts: 52
Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Thanks for the links, Red, and for the inspiring messages. You wrote on a previous post of mine and you sound very helpful and together and positive -- just what anyone needs, thank you for taking time to respond. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry if it came out wrong, but when I said the part about what to expect when in a bipolar chatroom, I didn't mean that it's all "wolves" on here -- rather, I just meant that in here, all questions and answers likely lead to bipolar just by virtue of where we are. Like when you got to a hairdresser (so when you say, "Not too much!" it falls on deaf ears) -- their main objective is to cut your hair, or when you go to a bankruptcy lawyer. Their only scope is to tell you how to become bankrupt, not how to get out of it, because that's what they're there for. So in here i would fully expect my ex's behavior to sound deficient. But if I were in a chatroom of his friends and family, it would be me and my behavior that would be called into question. Anyway I didn't mean to the leave the impression that I was maligning anyone! Thanks for all your help, that link about the masks really helped. |
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
mbrento
Posts: 52
Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
I wanted to add, Ichayim, that I TOTALLY hear you on the wanting to get hit part -- I had the EXACT same experience with an ex. As evidence of his increasingly bizarre behavior, I offered up to his family the fact that he --- a nonconfrontational, passive, nonviolent person --- had almost hit me. Instead of this being the end-all eye-opener I thought it would be (like it was to me), instead it just fueled everyone's beliefs that I was off MY rocker for suggesting such a thing, because he would never, ever do that (something of which i was well aware, and which was the defining point for me to know he had turned a corner when he almost did). I might have opened myself to the whole hit-me anyway thing, but he was a powerful man and I might have been killed from one punch! Instead I just slept in the bedroom with a pair of scissors and my cell phone under my pillow with the door locked. I also spent a lot of time wishing he would become noticably "crazy." His behaviors were noticed, but not to the point where any one thought they were super extreme or cause for concern. Only I had the front-row seat to that. That's one of the hardest parts --- having no one even believe what you are going through, and trying to convicne everyone. At some point you just have to stop and rise above.
|
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
dragonfly2catch
Posts: 257
Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
mbrento dont feel bad i know what you mean i went to counseling today and the counselor pissed me off so bad im not the BP one but he makes me crazy i dont know if im comin or goin and it kills me .the counselor was like if he wants left alone leave him alone and i said for three days and he said try it but in past sessions that was enabling the behavior and i was supposed to let him know when his mood was changing now im second guessing does he have bi polar or is something wrong with me its insane trust me i feel your pain...be blessed :~dragonfly |
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
Gypsy
Posts: 1637
Senior Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
mbrento, When a family is used to having things the way they have been for a long time. LIke alcaholism or bipolar, or any other disfunction, they get comfortable with it and end up complacent. The denial runs deep.They don't like anything to disrupt their safe little world. When, I got sober. My dad and his wife, and my half siblings were very uncomfortable. My dad is an active alcaholic. They don't want to have to look at themselves. No one wants to see the elephant in the middle of the room. Even though you see it, they they will ignore it. Especially if it has always been there. My ex has a family like that. They took my exes side. He wouldn't keep a job, or grow up, but, they would keep lending him money. No matter what, I did to get him to work on our relationship, he did not want to do anything. We finally blew apart. It really takes two to make a marriage work. towards the end of that relationship, I went to counseling for me, I started learning how to take care of me. I would always improve myself for others. I would work so hard to get them to be who, I wanted them to be. I never looked at me, and how, I picked people who were unavailable, and didn't treat me right. I didn't care about me, or think, I deserved to be happy. I can't get happiness from a man. People who are in denial about any illness they have get really mad when confronted. If untreated, bipolar, just gets worse. Your hubbies family isn't going to change, either. All you can do is either accept him as he is, and hang out, and get help for you, or get some time away from him until he gets help. Either way we are here for you. God Bless,Gypsy |
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
norma
 Posts: 4060
Group Leader
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
We are here and hopefully, this will be a good place for you to come and vent and get some advice. It doesn't sound like this is a happy relationship. And if he doesn't want to get help things will only get worse...protect yourself. We are here for you....I was in a marriage for 24 yrs...he looked to everyone like he was wonderful, but, he was mean as a snake with me. I finally got out and have never regretted it....the only thing I regret is not leaving a lot earlier...I had a hard head and hated to admit I had made a mistake in marrying him. "In the time of your life, live-so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but, shall smile to the infinite variety and mystery of it." William Saroyan
|
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
red1965
Posts: 1908
Group Leader
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Mbreto, no offense taken, that's not what we are about. On this forum you will get information from both sides of the fence. Sometimes whether you like it or not. What we are all interested in on here is your and your husbands health. We do what we can to help both of you for the best possible outcome. We are not about bashing, we are about helping, forgive me if I came off a little strong. I know where you are right now, I have been there too. As well, I am sure, as many others have been too. Both from the side of having bipolar and loving someone that has bipolar. We are here for you anytime you want. God Bless RED
|
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
Dragonfly1
Posts: 20
New Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
I believe wholeheartedly that we are all in love with the same person! Remarkable how common the issues are. He always blames me and I spend more time trying to relive the last couple of hours before an argument ensued to see where it was that I went wrong. It is ludacris! I try to take a deep breath and walk away, or hang up the phone, but he will tell me that I better not hang up on him, so I sit on the phone while he yells and makes accusations and it gets to me hard. Then he can take another call, or turn around and have a pleasant conversation with someone else. Like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde! |
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
norma
Posts: 4060
Group Leader
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
I think all of you are with my ex husband, he sure gets around LOL Dear Dragonfly, I just read the last comment you made...hang up the phone....he is dumping on you...is that how someone who is "in love" with should act??? Try this ok...everytime he is ugly say calmly, "I really don't like how you are treating me right now, when you can be the nice person I know you can be, we can talk." Then hang up and walk away....you are rewarding bad behavior with attention....that only perpetuates the bad behavior....if he gets angry...don't answer...after a few times I'll bet he calms down...if not then, look at this??? Is this the life you want, no matter how much "in love" you are...hugs, Norma "In the time of your life, live-so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but, shall smile to the infinite variety and mystery of it." William Saroyan
|
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
2butterflys
 Posts: 21
New Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
mbrento- I know where you're at too well... you need to do some soul searching and find some serious belief in yourself. It doesn't really matter if anyone believes you, as long as you know what you know, and you ultimately do what's best for you. You will drive yourself mad if you stay and try and convince him or anyone else of anything they don't want to believe. Reality is different to each person.... Sometimes you have to get out before you become crazy yourself- I call it ...survival. |
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
