CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE

I have my own problems. Physical and mental. I don't know how I became to let myself be used for so long...nine years since my father died. I can't take it anymore.

I can't allow myself to abbandon her and my heart has been literally aching. Talking does no good. She listens, but it's back to the same old complaints and the same selfishness by the next day. I've been trying almost every day for a year. We used to be friends but I can't be taken for granted anymore. I would not choose her as my friend.

Sorry for rambling on, I just need to get my thoughts worked out.

Take care of you, and she can see she must take care of herself.

But, of course you realize you can't cut ties completely because with all her faults she's still your mother. Try not to take the things she says personally - it sounds like she has some issues of her own and probably doesn't mean to be hurtful. You could try telling her that you will not talk to her if she makes hurtful/negative comments, when she makes one remind her of your rules, and if she continues, hang up the phone or leave.

I don't know if you've tried this before, and it's just a thought. If it worked it could get her to change her behavior once she sees you won't tolerate it. But whatever you decide, we are here for you.

Terri

I know I need to find a therapist to hhelp work this out, but my pdoc works with a behaviorist, not a talk therapist and I have to talk this out. Thanks so much for listening.

It looks like this has been going on for a long time. It looks like you are used to taking care of her. She is used to depending on you to be the door mat. This is probably the only relationship you were able to have with her.

You can as an adult set boundaries, now. Try to take care of you. You are not abandoning her by doing this.

My dad has done this similar thing with me. I haven't been able to be around him for a long time. He is mean. I don't deserve to be treated like this.

I had to go into therapy to deal with all of this. I blamed myself for years, because, I could not do anything right. I also held a lot of anger at him for him being sick, and not being able to be the father, I wanted.

He was never capable, because of his illness.

Hang in there.

She was very depressed and mean when I was a child. She was emotionally and physically abusive. Now, she is in a nursing home almost childlike from

Alzheimers. I felt so GUILTY because I told my therapist she is actually nicer to me now that she is out of her mind than she was in all the years I was growing up. I still go visit her & bring her candy bars out of a sense of duty as a 'good daughter', but not of love.

It pains me to think of my own children EVER feeling about me the way I feel about her. I know they never will because I raised them with love, not beatings with belt buckles, etc.etc.

Anyway, YOU deserve to be happy and the boundaries others have suggested seem like good ideas. I would definitely get into talk therapy if you can afford it. It really helped me to have a good therapist.

(((BIG HUGS)))

The first step in making things better is to recognize this fact.

Dear little Pisces, you are sensitive and you also have the ability to be very empathetic...which works to your disadvantage at times...you want to make things better for her. When she makes remarks understand she is probably projecting her insecurity onto you. Don't take it to heart...

Setting boundaries is a good way to start...when she starts in on you change the subject...if she continues...say wait a minute...leave the room...come back...in other words stay and listen when she is being positive...negative then she gets no attention from you.