Desperate

I've been reading all your posts but I'm new here. Like everyone else, I'm looking for some advice. I hate to start out right off the bat as the needy newcomer - I'm pretty self-sufficent normally - but I promise if I have any advice to offer in return, I will.

My husband was diagnosed BP last week. Although his psychiatrist said it was "mild," and also said there was some depression, anxiety and ADHD thrown in. My husband accepted the diagnosis at first but he has since told me that, being familiar with the tests, since he studied psych in college, he subconsciously rigged the text by answering according to the derogatory answers I would give -- not how HE really feels. I have known my husband for four years. In that time, he as attempted fake suicide 3 or 4 times, always with (a) the denial that that was what he was doing and then (b) with some excuse as to why he did it, like a mixup with his prescription meds or some other problem, something usually my fault. He has in the past been "diagnosed" with depression and anxiety and ADHD. He has been on just about every medication ever made, and eventually drops all of them, claiming that either they don't work or that the side effects are insufferable. The only thing with which he has ever been diagnosed that he agrees with is the anxiety. Every else he claims is wrong. Well, his behavior has worsened throughout the the past year and in the past several months, specifically. He has always been somewhat forgetful, selfish, an attention hog, hurtful, careless, and moody. (However, he also has a very sweet and generous side, which is what I fell in love with -- giving him the benefit of the doubt on the jerk behavior.) In the past few months this behavior has skyrocketed. We had should we or shouldn't we conversations about breaking up weekly leading up to our wedding, and then afterward. The week before our wedding I found him passed out cold several times from Ambien overdoses. His behavior was irrational and erratic. I went through with the wedding because I loved him and he kept telling me how sorry he was and blamed it all on the stress of planning for the wedding. After the wedding and honeymoon, he had a breakdown that led to him being taken away from the house in an ambulance. (He had a breakdown 8 months after the breakup of his previous relationship, I found out later. He was kept in the mental ward for a week or so). This more recent time, he was kept only for a day. After telling me - and swallowing in front of me, to great dramatic effect - that he had taken his whole bottle of Ambien, I called 911. In the meantime, he jumped out an upstairs window and fake-sliced his wrists with a pocketknife. Somewhere in there he must have thrown up the Ambien, too, because at the hospital they pumped his stomach and ran drug tests and found nothing, and that's why they sent him home. He claimed the whole mess -- the entire four years of our relationship -- on a massive, general drug overdose of all his prescription meds, stopped the drugs cold turkey, and everything was fine for a period of weeks until we had an argument and then things have been downhill again since then. I did not and have not ever changed my behavior during all these shifts, so I know that the positive period was due to something he was doing differently. He blew up again recently, twice. My father has cancer and I've been helping to take care of him, and my husband chose this specific time to once again shift the attention to himself, by blowing up specifically within a two-week time period -- the exact two weeks my father was actually hospitalized for complications, and I was spending my days at the hospital, working and sleeping, period. My husband complained that I was "shutting him out" despite him being "so supportive," and said I "should know" how hard it is for him to even be supportive, since he hates hospitals so much and cannot (admittedly) deal with stress very well. (It should be noted here he did not come to the hospital once, or offer to come). I hadn't pegged him as bipolar previously -- I haven't really ever seen the mania -- but he definitely is selfish, careless, moody and hurtful, and the blame has really hit an all-time high lately. After reading up on bipolar a lot more, I'm thinking that maybe he is, but mild, as noted by the psychiatrist, like hypomania, maybe -- or maybe not bipolar, but some other personality disorder. Question: Is he just a jerk and/or we just don't get along? But if not, if this behavior is caused by some mental condition, where does the "real" him end and the disease begin? It's great to read on here all the advice about "just walking away" or "not arguing" when some is in a state, but what do you do when that person is a walking, talking person with feelings of his own that he thinks he is in control of? For example, he gets angry when I DO walk away in the middle of one of his blamefests. Says I'm walking away because I know he's right, and that I know he's making a point and I just can't deal with it. Or he gets angry because he thinks I'm patronizing him. The rationalizations, blame, and justifications are endless. And I'm not a saint -- they're on my end too -- I use logic and what I think are rational arguments to defend myself against his behavior, but not surprisingly, they don't work. I love him but there's limits, honestly. How much am I expected to take? It's all about him and his needs and he blames me for causing it all -- and he's right. If I didn't stand up for myself and if I just let him walk all over me with his bad behavior and irrational attitude, I doubt we'd have problems. He needs smooth sailing in order to function, and I'm not willing to put aside my own needs and wants in order for this to happen. Another question: Part of his blamefests are the fact/justification that he says all his friends and family tell him that I'M the problem. According to him, I'm harsh, abrasive, difficult. And apparently these things are spotted within the first few minutes of meeting me, if his stories of what his friends and family say are to be believed. Part of my rational response is to tell him that of course no one ELSE picks up on all his wacky behavior, because he's not in intimate relationships with any of them (hopefully). His response to that is that no one "picks up on it" because he's only like that with ME, because I'm difficult and I cause it. He will readily admit to having "some" problems and claim also that he is "working" on them but he wants me to "work" on "my problems" as well, and if I try to put the focus on him he says I'm unwilling to admit my own problems, so why should he? Yet, I honestly don't feel that we're in this situation because of any of my behaviors. I really think all this is part of the bipolar/(fill in the blank) disorder -- the blame and denial included. But, of course, good luck trying to convince him of that. He's convinced that I'm the problem and that he would be fine either alone or with someone else. I think that even if that's true, it doesn't necessarily mean that he's not bipolar or doesn't have some serious mental instability, it's just that perhaps, yes, our situation (me being unwilling to suck everything up) exacerbates his symptoms. Should I just bow out to make things easier (for him)? Should I make more of an effort to ignore being practically abused? I love him, but honestly, ethically speaking how much of a sacrifice should I be willing to make? His bipolar/mentally unstable brain wouldn't even calculate me leaving as that much of a loss, so I don't think I'd be causing untold hurt there. He's too wrapped up in himself to let it affect him too much. I understand this may sound harsh, but I never claimed to be a saint, and I've been dealing with this instability in this person for four years and I'm just not sure anymore how worth it one-way "love" is. He still has good points and he's still a sweet person in some regards. But in order for us to ever get along or move forward, I'm always expected to just take and take and take bad behavior. He claims that's not true, that really he's the aggrieved party. Or, he never has much memory of it or, if he does, no empathy for having put me through it. He claims he does but I feel like if he truly did understand, it wouldn't keep happening, or at the very least he'd have some understanding of why I'm not too perky a lot of the time. And also, even a lot of his apologies are self-centered: "I'm so sorry. I feel like I'm the biggest asshole. I'm so low, no one hates me more than I do." But what do you guys think? Any hope of moving forward? Thanks for reading all this.

P.S. If I point out my husband's behavior, he immediately turns it around on me. How do you "point out" to someone that THEIR behavior is selfish, careless, etc. without (a) being accusing and (b) without leaving yourself open to the exact same fingerpointing? "You're being selfish." "No, you are." In other words, how do you possibly have a prayer of convincing someone that they unfairly think everything's about THEM (true), without leaving yourself wide open to the obvious counterargument that I must think everything's about me?. (I'm sure if these are hallmarks of bipolar, then these sound ridiculously familiar. Or maybe I'm the only one stupid enough to keep trying). So Ok, I get it -- rational conversations don't "work." Well, why not? If they can rationalize to get themselves out of something, why can they not rationalize to accept return logic? And if rational conversations are out, how do you communicate at all? And if the answer is that you don't, well what do you do then???? Have any of you seen something this hopeless turn around?

Post edited by: mbrento, at: 03/23/2008 22:14

Post edited by: mbrento, at: 03/23/2008 22:48

All you can do is take care of yourself. Bad behavior on his part sounds to me like a lack of maturity. And maybe bipolar disorder...but, his personality is rude and egocentric.

You have made your world to revolve around him and his moods. In order for you to be happy it might be time to change perspective.

You have needs and feelings that are not being taken care of by him.

Sounds like it is all about him and there is nothing for you???

Gloria

The doctor has to be the one to make the diagnosis. However, his personal behavior that you have related here sounds like a hypomanic state. Can't do anything wrong and it is always your fault, etc.

People with bipolar are quite often able to do something called masking. That is when they have a false persona that is put on in order to hide what is truely going on within them. However, they cannot wear the mask 24/7/eternity. You having an intimate relationship with him and are seeing beyond the mask. Being with him that much you are seeing what really is going on.

They also tend to push away the ones that they are close to. There are varying opinions on why this happens but it does none the less.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to get therapy yourself. Take care of you, you cannot be of any help to anyone else if you are not at your physical and mental best.

He has to accept his diagnosis and be willing to get the medical attention he needs. You cannot do it for him.

On the subject of not fighting with them, don't you will never win! The just walk away works, he will claim a win either way. So why waste the energy on it. There are things that are important enough to fight over, you have to pick your fights.

We are here for you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

God Bless

RED

You just sound so unhappy it breaks my heart...life is too short to live like that...

Gloria

Dear mbrento, I was married for 24 yrs to someone a lot like that, and it was very difficult to make the break...once I did it got a lot easier...he never changed, and no matter what I did he was unhappy and it was my fault. Finally, I decided I was tired of making him unhappy and left...amazing afterwards he was so sorry, but, I knew if I went back he would just be the same...can't change people...the only thing you have control over is you. I am much happier now....