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Dear Davidr35, I understand rapid cycling, but I do not often "get" the fine distinction between bipolar I and bipolar II, so I visited http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/03_treatment.html for a little refresher. When it (rapid cycling) occurs I may cycle radically two or three times in one day, while the common ultradian profile may cycle perhaps once in a period of days, weeks, or months! I have been in recovery for more than four years, and I have learned pretty well to manage all aspects of my disease EXCEPT for rapid cycling. Due to my long term abuse of alcohol and drugs, I am no longer a good candidate for mood modifiers or mood stabilizers (psychotropic drugs). On the above web page you will note a reference to the so-called kindling effect in my case of certain psychotropes. One thing which you did not mention in your treatment is something I have come to rely upon--regular visits to my therapist. One of the things I commend in your story is that, when you felt a crisis approaching, you sought help in this instance from the ER. You mentioned that, under the circumstances you described, "Today was hell." That is a good description of how I tend to react in extreme to situations with which others merely become "anxious." I let my dilemma then fill my mind until I have no reasonable, rational, emotional, or spiritual way out--no relief. It was at these points in my life that I sought through alcohol, drugs, running away, hiding, and even suicide to find relief. These were the times when my own resources failed me--when my only alternative was to seek help. Your uncertainty in the matter of your job prospect seems normal. You have done the right things, however.... You have reliable professional help from your recruiter and someone there whom you should now trust to get the job done. You are aware (cognitive) when a crisis is indicated by your behavior. You have had this dialogue with me and others on the forum, and you have probably talked to others--friends, family, recruiter, Pdoc, etc. These are all indicators of a healthy mental and emotional response system. Finally to address those troubling emotions, I must say that my life too has been an emotional roller coaster. While the roller coaster effect has been hell, I have learned that the emotional experience has become a source of strength for me--always welcome. I have come to understand, if nothing else, my emotions are the truth about me; and accepting my emotions has given me a respite--freedom--from the effects of my disease. I try NOT to compare myself to others. For me such comparisons are a one way trip to negative feelings, negative thinking, negative self-esteem. It is in my nature to see myself as a loser in such comparisons, simply because someone else always seems to have what I want, to do what I want to do, to be what I want to be. In the matter of your impending job, I understand that, in today's market, even top notch candidates get "blown off" several times before they receive an offer. In that respect, your situation seems pretty NORMAL, doesn't it? Under such circumstances as you have described, I employ a simple prayer: "Father, thank you for your strength. I ask you now for the inspiration and strength to endure this event--to endure the pain of uncertainty." The usual result for me is a change in my focus--from my current dilemma to something more productive and possibly even emancipating. You are on the road, my friend, to happier times. Isn't it time to trust that journey? Isn't it time to have faith in the effort you have made and the effort others have made to help you get better? Thanks again! Your willingness to talk has helped me. I hope that I have given something encouraging to you. Your new friend, Jim
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