Enough

Being bipolar, I have a hard time with being in crowds. I get clausterphobic. I have a hard time when we have sleep overs for my kids. I have to do things to take care of myself or I want to yell at everyone. I have a habit of not wanting to be rude. I am always worried about making anyone uncomfortable. So, I take time out for me. I go do errands, and breath, and get quiet time. This helps me not get to where you are.

We are not being selfish by setting up boundaries, and by saying "No" practice saying No in front of the mirror, and then start saying no to people, like the ones that want you to take on responsibly you just don't have time to do.. like helping out by babysitting, or working on some committee. Let the others know where the washer is, they want clean clothes, let them do their own, you have the Sister in law there? no reason she can't help prepare the meals and do some house work, it's not like she is staying in a hotel, where there are maids to do it all for her, and if she don't like it? recommend a good hotel next time she plans on visiting..

So definately set some boundaries and block some time out for yourself.

I was just thinking about my sister in that context. She never makes any effort to please people. If anything she goes out of her way to upset them. She used to be a people pleaser as a child, and then when puberty hit, and she first developed her bipolar, she went through a complete personality change. I can see where she has low self esteem, but it manifests itself as having to be right about everything (even if she's wrong.)

In her world everyone except her is incompetant, and she has no shame in letting you know that you are incapable and worthless. She also has no shame about trashing someones reputation i.e. she has a hate on for the staff at the nursing home where my dad is staying and some of the thing that have been said are unreal. Right now she is accusing the staff doctor of being incompetant and the reason he can get away with this is because he is having an affair with the nursing director. Its like a soap opera. Not to say things like this don't happen in real life, its just that we have seen this pattern many many times before.

Last year she refused for about 10 months to have anything to do with Dads care. My brother and I looked after everything and built a good relationship with the staff and the nursing home. Then my sister decided she wanted to be part of things again. Within 3 months she has totally destroyed all the goodwill that was built up. None of the staff want to deal with her,and the doctor has dropped my Dad off his patient roster.

So now I think she is running scared that everyone in the family will be mad at her so she is inventing reaons to justify why she had to be so nasty to the staff. So on one hand she has to reduce people down, so she can feel better. But when this eventually backfires and everyone is mad at her she has to try and do damage control and this is the only way she knows. The other thing she does is buy really expensive and inappropriate gifts.

So on the one hand, I can see where she is coming from, and why, but on the other, its very scary getting involved in her world. A person never knows what destructive forces will be unleased in their life by letting her in. I have seen people lose their jobs, their livlihoods, be sued and involved in endless litagation just by crossing paths with my sister.

I think someone else said that it sounded like she has some other personality disorder in conjunction with the bipolar - perhaps borderline.

But everytime I read something on this forum I get a new idea about why she is acting in a certain way, and it is a good place to sound things out - are we getting a better understanding of things. How will this new insight help us deal with certain situations.

Sorry for so many posts one right after the other. Had to let dog out and then let dog in and so on...

People pleasing is not just related to bipolar, although my wife is a people pleaser and just can't say NO, I also tend to be a people pleaser myself but not to the extent of neglecting myself. Now one of the ways that we combat my wifes inability to say NO is I step in and say NO for her. If people get upset with me, they are just upset. I can deal with it, as my wife is not be able to deal with the pressure.

Talk to hubby about helping set these limits, when you know you should say NO but are in people pleasing mode talk to hubby about the situation and have him make the reply!