Bipolar Support Group

I just don't know what to do. My mom treated me like sh*t growing up. Her and my dad drained my account more than once to by drugs. I never got to go anywhere or do anything. I bought the stuff I needed with my money and my sister is the one who raised me. If we need anything now we rely on each other. Both my parents now drive a truck seperately and we rarely see them which is ok with me on the end of my mom. she and my dad have split in the last fews years because she is an alcoholic who wouldn't get help. My mom has never really gotten me anything and when she does it is never anything that I would ever use. When I wa 19 she got me a tool kit for my Bday. For christmas, cds that she bought herself and copied first. This year for my Bday she bought me 2 shirts that were larges and I wouldn't have bought for a 10 year old. I am small and 24 and married. The one shirt had a cat on it with a crown and was brightpink. I don't get it. I am hippie like and have piercings. Its like she doesn't even look at me. When I was young I had to cook and clean for my dad. I don't remember my mom coming to anyting I was in and didn't even show up when I got my cords for honors before graduating. She even forgot to cut on the camera during my grad. A little over a year ago she got a hold of a gun and shot up here house then came out in the front yard in a development with the gun and started to wrestle my sister with my nephew in the car. She could have killed me my sis or my nephew. Cops were called and she was taken to hospital to detox then taken to pysch hos for 72 hour hold. I sat in the hospital on the floor beside her bed while she cursed me and said none of us were worth anything to her. I went home when she was transported and found her a bed in our local rehab for alcoholics and got her a bed she didn't have to pay for. She has since continued to drink and has turned our lives upsidedown a few times since. A short apology has happened for both me and my sister but definetely not up to the level we deserve. I am so mad inside a ther because she has caused me soo much pain and now every little gift that makes no sense just cuts me like a knife. I feel so ungrateful but how do you figure out how to be grateful when she is the one who taught me to lose weight in unhealthy ways by refusing me food and keeping me on diets. When I was dxed BP she said I was just faking it and wanted attention. I remember sitting at drfug houses as a kid. I remember druggies at my home. We were always fed and didn't go without power or anything but I still feel so angry for everything they have done to me. A few months ago I found out that they had considered aborting me. I am so angry and mad I just don't know what to do. I feel like such a horible person. The reason I am pouring out right now is she just bought me a gift and brought it by( I know she is just buying my forgiveness) This horrible necklace that takes up half my chest. I don't even wear necklaces. The thing that hurts is I love butterflies. My sister doesnt but my mom just bought her this beautiful gold and silver butterfly. Then she brings me this fake silver necklace that has cheap pink stones and green leaves and flowers on it. I don't care about the gift I just don't want her to waste her money on me if she can't figure me out after 24 years. I feel so alone. I live in this town by myself except my sister. I'm just so tired of faking my whole life.

Dear Pixie, There is nothing i can say to take all that hurt away. I am glad you got it out...if I could I would take you home and rock you, honey.

The child in us is always there and when there is neglect like you have had it is hard for that child to grow up...You have done a great job...and you are going to break this cycle...because you see what is wrong. She may never come to be the mother you should have deserved. She is a flawed human as we all are...even the best of mothers is not perfect. I cannot judge her...I can offer you this....you are a beautiful child of God...and God loves you..and lavishes all the love in the world on you..Your mother is also a child of God...and she needs compassion, not pity, but, compassion.

Pixie, the following note is from a post I made earlier today to momof2rugrats, I think it may be of interest to you too:

"Momo, breaking the cycle is the greatest thing you can do for yourself as well as your children. We all want the acknowledgement of our parents. It is just part of being human I think, the way we are wired.

There are people in our lives that we love but realize we cannot change. We love them for who they are, a mom, a dad, brother, sister.... We want for a deeper relationship that they can not reciprocate. We have to accept that they cannot give that love back and love them anyway. This may seem superficial but it is up to them to complete the circle of love, we cannot do it all ourselves.

The hard part is to love them without allowing them to hurt us any further.

BTW, if you are looking for a loving family, I think you have found an awesome extended one here "

As always we are here for you.

God Bless

RED

thats so sweet it put tears in my eyes. I totally agree that I have a family here that is why I came. I don't know how to keep from giving people the power to hurt me. Everyone in my life has hurt me. How do ya'll do it. I can't. I know it doesn't hurt them but I don't know how to change. I have all these issues coming out and nothing is helping. I tried to explain to my hubby but he doesn't get it. I just feel so ungrateful. She was so mean. She hurt me mentally physically and emotionally. How do you get passed that.

Red you put this so beautifully, I too struggle with my mom. It is so painful. when you are little you are born to love your mom. no matter what. she doesn't have to do anything to get you to love her your love is free. yet you struggle all your life to get her to understand that you just want her to love you back just peachey

Norma, one thing that hurts me too is I believe in God and go to church. I was never taken to church and found God in high school after being an atheist. I have prayed that my mom come with me or support me or anyhting. She has kept me from going and not come with me. She was raised to believe in God but didn't raise us the same or anything really. I just want to be a child once. Or feel protected by someone. I just feel so alone. I'm not happy being alone. I love my husband but I just don't get from him what I need from blood. I feel adopted but not. I just feel so ungrateful. I feeel like I am horible.

The only good to come from that is to learn from it. Unfortunately, life hurts sometimes...how we deal with that hurt is what makes the people we are...just as it makes you what you are....I have read your posts....you are a smart articulate loving person....now, that's not so bad is it??

Post edited by: norma, at: 03/15/2008 23:20

Pixie, you are not horrible for wanting a warm loving parent. You are wanting the same thing as everyone else on the planet. My parents idea of showing love was fighting with each other and yelling at us. They were and are paranoid antisocial types.

What have your parents taught you? What are the positive things, no matter how few they are that you can gleen from the relationships. Focus on them. We cannot change them, we can change how we view them.

You have a wonderful husband that loves you greatly along with 2 Labs, 1 Pit, 2 cats and a rabbbit. Try to focus on the positives, those things that love you in a positive way.

BIG HUGS to you Pixie, I wish there was more I could do to help.

RED

I went out and rode around and it helped clear my head a bit. I think alot of my problem right now is I don't know how to fix myself and having noticed the problem just recently it has got me a bit bothered. Thank you Red for reminding me of the great things I have in my life. I reached this conclusion. I have found myself with a problem I can't fix on my own and I think I am going in a place for eating disorders and to finally deal with a rape I don 't think I'm past. I am so afraid of leaving everything I love and the disorders that have protected me for so long that I am trying to take the emotions and put them on something else.

Pixie, sounds like you are in a much better frame of mind now. Keep up the good work.

There are some things that it takes a long time to put behind us.

God Bless

RED