Bipolar Support Group

Wow, this could be rock bottom...

So I'm home visiting my parents for 5 days. They have been getting on me really heavily to get a job, as if I'm not being hard enough on myself. So I flipped out tonight. My mom has been sending me all these emails of places I should work, and she's even been leaving me notes in the morning saying "Please send an email to x company, then find 3 companies blah blah etc". So she came over to me tonight and started talking about "you need to do this tomorrow", so I just averted my eyes and walked away. She semi-angrily said "MIKE", and I started on a tirade.

I was telling them they dont understand and support me, that since I was diagnosed with bipolar they haven't bought a book or even read a damn website about it or about how to treat someone with bipolar. I said get off my ass about the job search, don't you realize I just went through hell to graduate college and I'm tired and the economy sucks. Then I said bipolar is largely hereditary and you need to see a therapist (I'm 99% sure she's BP), and told my parents the 3 of us need to go to therapy. She then had the nerve to tell me that putting me up in an apartment with no job is causing them a lot of financial trouble, something my dad would NEVER let slip out. He told her to be quiet but the damage is done. Now When Guilt is my biggest problem you may be able to imagine how this feels.

Finally I told them I joined an online support group to find understanding that I have not found with them. I was clearly semi-crying and shaking and had my face in my hands and all that, finally my mom apologized and walked out of the room and my dad started talking nicely to me about jobs and how they don't want to pressure me but just help me. I wish I could believe this, its what he says after any episode I have.

I feel so damn guilty and while I guess its good to get it off my chest I'm guilty and scared and so far have just decided to use pot to get rid of it all, like I do every night. But this time, it sneaks through the high. It's 2am here right now, and I'll probably be up through most of the night. I'm supposed to go lift weights tomorrow but I doubt I'll be able to sleep in time. Now the only job I want, which is to be a cop, is getting farther away as I keep smoking weed which will fail me in the drug test. Right now I feel like I'm deciding between or , I've never felt like I'm at and actual fork in the road before.

Good morning Swers. I can sympathize with you. I am a BPSO, and my daughter is also BP.

I try to be understanding and learn as much as I can about BP. I want to know and understand from both sides what BP is like and how to handle things when they get rough.

My fiance has been manic quite a few times since I have been with him. I come here for understanding and support and I have always seemed to find it. I want to know what to do if things get bad and how to best avoid triggers for him and my daughter.

It seems like for you and my fiance as well, that your family seems to trigger you. Not because they mean to or purposely set out to. It is somewhat an ignorance to the disease I know he has days when he feels good and days when he is down. I have learned not to push him on down days, but his mother seems to be a nag. And when he is down he gets the same way. Agitated and annoyed and pressured. He just moved out again in November. While living with them, they constantly pushed. From his work to his finances to when we used to go out at night. It becomes overwhelming.

He too self medicates with pot. It helps him keep a level head, he says. He tells me it keeps the mania at bay.

You have to decide though like I tell him, is the pot more important than your dreams. You want to be an officer you just have to remained focused on that. I believe that anyone can achieve whatever they set out to do as long as they stay focused. I hope some of this helped you. If you need to please PM me.

Mike:

It sounds like Bipolar might be a relatively new diagnosis for you. Relax. Take a deep breath. There is much to be learned about the diagnosis in general and more importantly about yourself. This will take time. What's great about this site is that there are people here who have lived with this diagnosis, successfully, for many years. You can learn from them, as well.

There could be several reasons why your parents have not looked into your BP diagnosis. It is common for parents to experience guilt, fear and denial with their child's diagnosis. It rarely means that they do not love or wish to support them. You know your parents best and you might want to find a website that supports FAMILIES of BPs and route them there in an email.

The fact that you finished college puts you ahead of the curve for many BPs who have a difficult time finishing things they start. (I didn't graduate until I was 38, for example).Follow-through is a challenge for most of us without supports in place.

So, that's a good thing. (You are not a Loser!)

What concerns me about your Dream about being a Cop is the pot thing.... It could be self-sabotage smoking pot. There are legal medications you can take to calm yourself that won't cause you to fail a drug test. Something to think about.

Even though it is likely that BP is inheirited, no one is at fault and there is no cure. It would be ideal if your parents would go to counseling with you, but a therapists office is a threatening place for many people and we can't force them to go.

Please stay connected to the site. I think you'll find a lot of genuine and supportive people here.

Swers,

Maybe if your parents won't go to therapy you could try going. It might help you. I know finding a job is a daunting idea. If you had the ability to finish grad school, I bet you will eventually be able to find employment.

Sounds like your Mom and Dad have been supportive in their own way by helping your financially. Maybe in time they will go to therapy with you, but that probably won't change the fact you will need to find a job. I would think the economy might be making things difficult for them too. Mom might have been being honest with you about her concerns. Sounds like she was trying to communicate them. Rather than feeling guilty, which is not productive, why not see it as something you need to work on. Make an appointment with a therapist who can give you some objective feed-back.

I know what it's like to get frustrated with your parents. My Mom has been trying to help and support me for years. In her own way she has helped but has also made me feel like a loser. Though not intentionally. Her heart has always been in the right place. Finding a job can be a daunting project especially nowadays. However, I'm going to be honest with you because I want to help you, they need cops everywhere in todays world. If you can stop smoking pot your dream of being a cop will come true. You don't need the pot to be happy there are meds that will take it's place. I'm an alcoholic who's been sober for 7 years now. I was terrified to give it up. It was what took my pain away and gave me courage but it also got me into alot of trouble because it made my bipolar worse which I did not know I had at the time. I didn't find out I was bipolar until I was sober and 38. Therapy would help you immensely. I think you are at a fork in the road, either give up on your dreams or keep smoking pot. Which one do you pick. You are the only person who can help yourself. It's your life and you have to take charge of it. I wish you luck on your journey no matter which road you choose.

Thank yall for your support. These are things that are really good to hear. I have been in therapy for a couple years, but you are right I wasn't diagnosed with BP until about 10-12 months ago.

What you all said about having to choose between the pot and my dreams IS inspiring. I do know that at the back of my mind. But its hard day by day, cause every day can be helped by smoking. I love it, even though its messing me up, you know what I mean?

CL, I was actually able to let out a nice breath when I read your story about your fiance. It does sound like he is dealing with almost exactly the same thing as I am. And his is the same motivation as mine for smoking pot. I know there are plenty of people here with addictions to hard drugs, but I've been to drug counseling and I guess my BP puts me in the category of heavy dependence/addiction. Its gotten to the point where its all I know. And my therapist and psychiatrist both say I can't start recovering until I stop smoking.

And yes, as you've all said my parents do claim they are trying to help me. But they have always been of the mindset that you never really need a doctor. It was so hard for me to convince them to let me see a therapist, and much harder still for them to accept me being put on my meds. My whole life is full of feeling guilty for things so it is hard for me to get by that feeling, especially when I know I am putting a financial strain on the family. I want to get a job so badly, but these days I feel either too worked up and panic attack susceptible, or too depressed to even lift a finger towards it. I feel like I may be rapid cycling, I guess. My tdoc closed his practice though, and I've been sort of hypomanic and manic for a while now so I haven't seeked a new tdoc.

I guess this a lot of ramblin gbut thank you all so so much for everything. It helps having an outlet like this, makes it easier to live with whatever approach my parents take.

I know what you mean about the smoking being all you know. He just went through an episode that started with smoking one night. He hadn't smoked for a while.

The first night of the episode he smoked a little. I had work the next night and he decided he would smoke again. He then got to the point on Friday that he was high for almost 24 hours straight. He had no impulse control and no desire to stop. I am afraid if he continues he will put his job at risk and our relationship as well.

I'm really sorry to hear about his ongoing dependence. There really is no easy answer. So many people laugh when you tell them you're addicted to marijuana, but as my drug counselor said, because its psychologically addictive, it can be really bad for people with emotional/mental issues. So don't take it personally, he must really be struggling with giving it up. I cannot go a day without it. I haven't for a couple years now. Many days recently, I take care of stuff quickly in the morning, like walking the dog, then smoke, and stay high and awake until like 8 the next morning.

I wish I could give you some solid advice for him. I guess you could argue that if I had any great advice for you I would have already escaped my addiction myself. But I stopped going to the drug counselor, cause she kept having me reduce it more each week and it got to the point where I couldn't reduce it anymore. She started talking about committing me to a live-in program, so I stopped going to her.

One thing my girlfriend has tried, that has kind of helped or at least made me smoke less each day, is to come to me and basically tell me a plan for the day and push me to do it. Like tell me we're going to the dog park, and even when I pull out my usual BS like "I just feel like hanging around the apartment and smoking, she insists. Once I get there I always feel good. This could be a way to at least break one of your fiance's day-long highs. I'm not sure how often he regularly smokes, but it actually shouldn't be WAY to hard on him to cut down to once a day. That's about as far as I can get you I'm sorry to say.

Its ok. He was into other distructive behavior so this is not so bad.

I just find it annoying because he can be so immature. And he has a tendancy to overdo it.