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03/14/2008 06:09 AM

My Mother

momof2rugrats
momof2rugrats  
Posts: 1176
Senior Member

I wish I had one Sad I feel so lost sometimes. I no I am 30 years old & maybe I shouldn't need her?I have no clue. I guess I haven't ever had her. I'm sure the only time she wasn't drugged, stoned or drunk was when she was in the hospital after having me?

My dad is an asshole loser. My daughter calls him 'uncle danny' LMAO. It's so not funny but, that is what he gets. I haven't seen him in a year & he hasn't called in 7 months to say 'what do you buy a grandkid that you don't know for their birthday'. I've made a very powerful decision to take him out of my life. It is more painful to have him in it than out?

My mother has hurt me the worse, but yet I can't seem to hurt her feelings?Why is that?She emotinally abused me. I will never have my real mother. I will never no my real mother. Every time I see her, she has a fucking beer in her hand. It is so sickening. She is drinking her life away. She wouldn't even quit for ME???Her own child?I go to visit her a few times a year because I just can't take the emotional drainage. She lives an hour away & I visit 2 times a year?I sit around a bunch of people I don't know, I don't talk like them, I don't act like them, I don't dress like them, I don't care about - or maybe I do or I wouldn't be sitting her typing about it?In the total of me being on my own since I was 17 she has visited me 5 times in my home?

She told me once that she never expected that I would turn out the way I did. Great!

My uncle came by yesterday and said that my mothers husbands grandfather passed away. He has LOADS of money. And he is getting a share of it plus a part of his dads share because his father has passed away?This man disgusts my mother, she stays with him for the beer. Now she will have a fridge full!!She wants to live on her own. She hasn't hardly worked in her life. She couldn't even draw Social Security. She wont live with my grandmother because she wont buy enough beer for my moms habit. It so sickening. They have had 100's of thousands of dollars in the past and they drink & smoke and he pills it away. They live in a motel to show for it?I no she is a big girl and she will do what she will do....

I just sit and think of ways to save her sometimes.. It's not my job. But I think if I could only save her, maybe I could have a chance at having a mother? She doesn't even no how to be a mother?She was high drugged and drunk when I was little.

I don't even no why I am sitting here typing this rambling SHIT.

I just think that getting past all this emotional stuff I am dealing with I need to get them out of my life. Yeah, I could tell them how I truely feel?It doesn't matter..I would hurt their feelings. Be crushed, feel like an asshole..If I cut ties with her, it would hurt her feelings and I would still feel like an asshole..But I am so tired of feeling so miserable inside. It's time to start working on ME.

Ok, I think I'm done.

Thanks for listening

Amber

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03/14/2008 06:14 AM
norma
normaPosts: 10109
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Dear Amber, I don't have the answers to your questions....I don't know what motivates your mother...however, a bright note is that you seem to be breaking the cycle..and you are a good mother to your children...As for your Mom...well, she has her own problems...I wish I could say something to you to make it better, I can't....just give you a ((hug)) and say I am here for you...Norma

03/14/2008 07:03 AM
dragonfly2catch
dragonfly2catch  
Posts: 541
Member

Sad im sorry to hear that amber really i cant say i experienced the same thing you did but my father is my sore subject he was around as a child but all he did is abuse me and my sister verbally. never had nothing nice to say to either of us nothing i have ever done was good enough for him ever..but you know what no thanks to him i am a good person and i finally got closure on that when i realized he was only my earthly father and that i had a heavenly father that would never treat me that way..you see my dad disowned me 2 years ago for dating a black man which he wont call him that if you know what i mean...and i just let him go ya it hurt but who is he to tell me who to love every white guy i ever dated treated me wrong so i dont think color has anything to do with it really .bryan does love me and he is a person.i know deep down you hurt because you long for that relationship you cant change that she dont want to love you back you are stronger than me because since i walked away completely i feel so much better im not stressed i just love him in my prayers and thoughts thats it...so be Blessed amber im 35 and wish it did not have to be the way it is sometimes but you have to search for what your closure is... :~ dragonfly

03/14/2008 09:16 AM
Gypsy
Gypsy  
Posts: 1646
Senior Member

HI Amber,

I have the same issues with my dad. He was never a dad, but,emosionally abusive. He judged me for my behavior as a teenager, and he was doing the same thing.

He has never made the effort to have a relationship with me. he has said really mean things.I have been working through my pain around this in therapy, lately, and my therapist has helped me let go of the guilt and blame, I put on myself. I am an adult now, and can make decisions about how I want to be treated.

I am dual diagnosed, and am recovery. My family is still living in the disease, and are disfunctional. I can't be around them, either.

I have been learning to accept that alcaholism is an illness. Once they pick up, they can't stop. It is really sad to watch them kill themselves. I watched my dad do the same thing.

It is like bipolar. We have an illness, that makes us do things, we wish we didn't do. I had a hard time being available for my kids, when, I was sick. I could not do anything about it until, I was ready.

Maybe you could communicate with her, and set boundaries. Letting her know it's not okay to treat you like that anymore, and tell her, that you care about her, but you can't watch her kill herself.

One thing that helped me with my dad is writing down everyhting that he did, and writing down my feelings about each thing he did.

I also wrote a letter to him, not to send it to him, but to express my feelings, and anger at him. There are also resources out there, like ACOA. Adult children of alcaholics. They help with the healing from growing up with an alcaholic parent.

I agree that you are a good parent, and are breaking the chain of the abuse, and alcaholic cycle.


03/14/2008 11:04 AM
morningglory/oldglory
glory  
Posts: 3668
VIP Member

Hey you guys.....my therapist helped me know, that we can't pick who our parents are. If they are bad people, then they are bad people . You are not a bad person if you break away from them. You guys sound like you were adults still saying inside, "please love me" and that's what you are hanging in there for. It took me until I was 50 years old to know that they never could. There are people you just wouldn't want to associate with. No foul on you if they just happento be your parents.

Gloria


03/14/2008 02:09 PM
momof2rugrats
momof2rugrats  
Posts: 1176
Senior Member

I no the alcoholism is an disease/illness. And I know that I haven't a clue. I just for some UKNOWN reason turned the other way?I looked at them and I remember from a very early age telling myself I would NEVER be like them, it was so embaressing and disgusting. I just felt like if she loved me enough she would have changed for me..But, I guess it comes down to, you can't change for ANYONE, not even your own little tiny sweet innocent baby girl that needs you, only for yourself.

It's exactly what I'm doing, I'm hanging on thinking maybe she will be that person I need/want..She will love me...I just want to grab her and shake her and say loook at me, I am 30 years old and you don't even know anything about me?

I have an eating disorder..I always new I ate for comfort, but I am a binge eater. I always wonder why I could never keep weight off that I lost..I am dealing with this in therapy now. I seen my dad in Walmart one day and came home and ate ice cream and easter candy because the site of him depressed me. I didn't say one word to him. This whole thing of him being out of my life is new and fresh sooo?I am supposed to drink a glass of water write down on paper why I want to eat the BAD thing I feel I NEED to eat. My therapist things I am feeling some void with food & I need to figure out what it is..Altho, I don't throw up. I binge & I keep it under control. I will binge & then diet for a while to get myself back into order?

I will definitely check in to the ACOA that could be very informative for me!Thanks for that!

Thanks for listening, I had tons of things going on in my head from yesterdays visit with my uncle & no one to share it with.

Amber


03/14/2008 02:35 PM
morningglory/oldglory
glory  
Posts: 3668
VIP Member

momo, I am the biggest, "comfort eater", in the world..lol. But ya know what.....I also just like, "FOOD". lol I don't think that it is such a bad thing. Unless, of course, you weigh 1000 pounds and can't get out of bed. I don't know how much you weigh, but I am a good 50 pounds over weight according to those ridiculous, "average", charts in the Doc's office. My doc says nothing about me being too fat, and never has. (Maybe she's just too scared of me to say anything) lolol I am 5'10' and weigh around 220. I feel no shame and I hold my head high. I have always been over weight I guess, but it is just me. I don't know how much you weigh, but please, give yourself a break.. Wouldn't this old world be boring if we all looked alike?

Love

Gloria


03/14/2008 06:43 PM
carmen33
carmen33  
Posts: 8702
VIP Member

Hugs Amber, one of the best things a doc ever told me was that if I was waiting for my mothers approval, I could forget it, as it was never going to happen.. since that day, I have been able to put that dream away, and move on, I see my mom every couple of weeks, call her about 2x aweek, and if I am not doing well, I don't see or talk with her..

I think it was gypsy, that wrote the post after 28 years, it would be something good for you to read.


03/15/2008 04:44 AM
red1965
red1965  
Posts: 5627
VIP Member

Momo, breaking the cycle is the greatest thing you can do for yourself as well as your children. We all want the acknowledgement of our parents. It is just part of being human I think, the way we are wired.

There are people in our lives that we love but realize we cannot change. We love them for who they are, a mom, a dad, brother, sister.... We want for a deeper relationship that they can not reciprocate. We have to accept that they cannot give that love back and love them anyway. This may seem superficial but it is up to them to complete the circle of love, we cannot do it all ourselves.

The hard part is to love them without allowing them to hurt us any further.

BTW, if you are looking for a loving family, I think you have found an awesome extended one here Smile

As always we are here for you.

God Bless

RED


03/15/2008 07:51 AM
norma
normaPosts: 10109
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Dear Amber, for years I was embarresed by my father who was an alcoholic and probably had mental issues...he died years ago....I was on the internet and found his name...in the South Pacific Marine Corps during WW II he was 17 yrs old and fought on Okinawa and Iwo Jima...I never knew...and he is gone...and I can't tell him I understand now maybe why he did some of the things he did.

Parents are people, honey, and people are not always what we want them to be. Red and Carmen have some good insight into that....we are here for you.

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