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lynn1
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tonight is bad. I need to vent.I guess he is "rapid cycling" like he dooes every hour of every day. I just feel like a zombie like in running on empty. getting yelled at for asking him a simple question. its almost as if his "nice" moments are getting nicer and his "mean" moments are getting meaner. and these moods go back and fourth about every 3 hrs daily. I feel like a shell, of a person like there is nothing even my hair hurts and im 21 i feel like an old bag. I feel so tired and run down im always crying, i have personal problems of my own and i have no support from him i cant ask him for anything i just have to pretend like "im perfect" or else "i depress him he will say".and then it will make hisepisodes worse. its nights like these i wonder what the f*** am i doing here??? how did i get to this place??? why oh god why?? but then i remember how much I love him. and that this is an illness and he needs help that only HE can get for HIMSELF. Happy, sad, angry,ecstatic,depressed,psyco,manic. over and over and over i feel like im losing my mind. i wish i could get into his brain and see what the hell is going on. yet I choose to be here and stick it out. I know I need to start taking better care of myself to make myself mentally physically emotionally and spiritually strong. because i feel really weak right now. sometimes now i dont want to get out of bed or even do anything. whats the point. its just the same s*** different day. everything is so predictable its like he is a frekin robot that some demon programed to do the same repetitive psyco s*** every wakeing moment of every friggen day. i slept for almost 10 hrs last night and feel like i have not slept on days. the night before he kept me up half the night because he was tossing and turning like he had ADD or something. to whoever reads this god bless you for listening and for being there because I feel so alone |
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norma
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I am here, honey. and i am listening "In the time of your life, live-so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but, shall smile to the infinite variety and mystery of it." William Saroyan
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norma
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You are not alone...and you need some help...sounds like your are at your wit's end. Is there anywhere you can go for support? You have us of course, but is there a counseling place, clergy, or your folks?? "In the time of your life, live-so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but, shall smile to the infinite variety and mystery of it." William Saroyan
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lynn1
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no there is no one to talk to no one understands and everyone is 2 bisy with theor own issues except 4 u thank u . he is downstairs and i dont have to go down there. after i am done cleaning upstairs im just going to bed. i cant let him see me cry or else it will make everything worse. |
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zinnia
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oh, lynn-you sound so down i wish i were there to hold you and cry with you. i am the bipolar one, but living with my ex husband was just like you are describing. he was so angry all the time. i would wake up and wonder if it would be ok or bad right from the start, never because of my feelings, only his. it was like he was the only person who existed. i'm really sorry you're going through this. please let me know if you want to talk. i don't sleep much peace be with you. Well behaved women rarely make history.
Thou canst not disturb a flower without the troubling of a star...from "Troubling a Star", by Madelaine L'Engle...we all affect one another by our words and actions...it is our choice whether to do so purposefully and positively, or carelessly and hurtfully...may we all bring to one another the peace that we seek...
"if you want others to be happy, practice compassion. if you want to be happy, practice compassion" the Dahli Laama
Peace-
Zinnia
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glory
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Me too kiddo, but I listen differently than our sweet heart norma. I will listen, but I have this weird sense of having to know the gory details., then opening my big old yap...lol First, WHY, "ARE", YOU THERE??? Don't tell me it's cause ya love him..... people just do not love someone that doesn't love them back.. That is why we love....because , the person we love..loves us.I don't see any love coming out of this jerk!! What I do see is somebody who is IN love WITH love. I see someone who thinks there is a prince inside that frog... Lynn, do you not have anyplace to go?? Are you unable to support yourself?? Are you scared of being alone?? Do you have a child you need a daddy for?? WHY ARE YOU THERE???? Sleeping more than usual is the first sign of a serious depression, Lynn. You are just not gonna last if you don't start loving yourself and get the hell away from him....Get YOU to a doctor and get YOU something to start kickin you out of this rut you are in. It's only gonna get worse. "God,helps those who help themselves!!" What are you doing to help YOU????? Gloria Post edited by: morningglory/oldglory, at: 03/12/2008 23:55
"We Know We Are Out Of Step When"
We cannot walk a straight line.
We've stepped on our brother's foot.
We forget to be thankful.
We feel alone.
We think our dance is the only dance there is.
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norma
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I think she went offline...Lynn1, If you come back and read this you need help....abuse is not your fault, and just because someone is bipolar they should not be able to abuse you....get out of there...Please get some help. And come back and tell us how you are...I am going to worry about you til you do... "In the time of your life, live-so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but, shall smile to the infinite variety and mystery of it." William Saroyan
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jenn14
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Lynn that entire post I could have written myself. I feel so sorry bc I know EXACTLY how you feel-Im living it. Its absolute torture. I know exactly what you mean when you say you cant even express your own feelings or rely on them in the slightest if you need a friend bc "they cant handle it" then its us making them worse bc were makin them depressed. This illness makes them just take and take and take until theres nothing left. Its very sad for the people who love them bc you want to help them (save them) so you just give and give. I know that no relationship will ever work that way. Ive also realized I cant help him (save him) unless he decides he wants to help himself. |
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Gypsy
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Hi Lynn, I agree, you don't have to stay there. Just because he has bipolar doesn't make it okay for him to treat anyone like this. You can have a happy life, If you stay and wait for him to get help, you might ber there forever, waiting. People like that just drain you. It is going to be really hard to start taking care of yourself when you have someone tearing you down all of the time. Get out of there, there are better people out there. You don't deserve to be treated like that. God Bless,Gypsy |
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lynn1
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hello everyone thank you gypsy,gloria,norma,jenn,and zinnia. You guys really did help me last night. he stayed home from work today he has been calling in sick more often than usual. I know i dont deserve to be treated like this. he blames alot of it on me i recently gained weight and says that is why he is depressed but 2 yrs ago when i was a size zero he was still miserable and bi polar and still picked on the way i looked. told me i was 2 white and needed a tan would pick on stupid little things like that. he is VERY superficial and I i am not happy that i gained weight but it does not help when he acts this way. the other morning he was being really mean and having an episode and i said why r u acting like this to me please stop your treating me like dirt and i did not do anything he said dont talk back ur not a size 0 anymore so i dont have to treat you special. he pulls out pictures of us when i was super skinny and says why cant u look like this or when some cheerleader is on tv he says can u get skinny like that, he says he is soooo depressed becasue of my weight. so maybe it is me who knows i just wish i could crawl into a hole and stay there for a while and hide. Post edited by: lynn1, at: 03/13/2008 14:51 |
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