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Bipolar Community Bipolar Support Forums General & Support Oh GOD! Is reading these posts suppose to hurt?
 

Oh GOD! Is reading these posts suppose to hurt?


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03/12/2008 12:22
realme
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 I am new here and wreaked and weak and scared and feeling lonely and at work and messed up and trying not to show it and I don't know reading these posts hurt me. i don't know why. . . is it because i see myself in so much of it. and i wonder if i knew sooner about this could i have saved myself so much heartache and saved the people that i love so much pain from all the crap that i've pulled in my life. i have suspected for a couple of months now that i am the reason that my marriage failed - i still love him - but he is so unhealthy for me - but i feel like it is me. everything that has happened to me and all the pain that i've caused and all the pain that has been given to me is because of this - being bipolar and i hate it. . . is it suppose to be this way????? learning about this disease or illness or whatever is making me crazy!!!!
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03/12/2008 12:28
pixiedust430
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 Welcome. The best I know to say is that learning about your disease is the best way to help. I cried when I read the posts the first day. I felt like, Finally a home.
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03/12/2008 12:43
realme
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 Is that what it is, then? that i've finally found a place that i belong? i just wish that things were different for me - for all of us - that things could be better. . . i guess i have to learn to leave the past behind and learn to let it go. . . i don't know. it just hurts me to hear about how the other side feels - in being the recieving end of a BP episode. it pains me to know i caused similar pain to those that i love cuz what i did. . .
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03/12/2008 12:48
pixiedust430
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 I have caused alot of pain over the years. I beat myself up about it and ironically today is the day that I have decided to take control of the parts I can change. If your loved ones are with you and here for you then in there learning about the disease they will understand why you did some of the things you are worried about. I can say that all you can do is try for better today and know that worry doesn't fix yesterday. It will happen again just like they will do something that hurts you. Bipolar isn't the only reason people get hurt.
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03/12/2008 12:55
realme
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 i haven't told anyone about my diagnosis. . . except my dad who minimizes everything. . . and i am disconnected from my loved ones and friends - they only see what i show them - and i strive for perfection. . . i don't want to tell anyone - i am scared of how they'll judge me.
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03/12/2008 13:02
pixiedust430
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 My mom was sort of the same. She said I was faking it and that bipolar doesn't exist. Really screwed her up when she was dxed with panic attacks. She has finally started to come around. The most important thing you can do is you. I don't know if you have read the posts but I just told my husband today that I am bulimic. I imagine that has hurt him pretty bad. We will hurt them and if they love us they will understand. Educate them that there are others and tell them what it means. I have lost alot of friends from this.
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03/12/2008 13:12
realme
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 i wish that i still had a husband to tell. . . he had left me for another woman a while ago - but i still love him. i wonder if i wasn't the way that i am - would he still be with me? granted he is an alcoholic and a complete ass - but how much of it was me pushing him all the time to be perfect?? and him rebelling against that need in me? i am glad that you have someone who you can trust enough to be honest with. i don't know if i'll ever allow someone access to me to be able to get that too. . .
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03/12/2008 13:15
pixiedust430
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 If he is an alcoholic then there have to be other reasons. He made the decision to leave, is he still drinking? My bet is that he is.
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03/12/2008 13:19
realme
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 he says that he isn't drinking - but i think that he is. he had lost his license due to a DUI (his 4th) and his girlfriend drives him around. he says that's the only reason he is with her. and he still loves me and all that crap. but i only believe what i see now. and all i see is him with her and nothing else. he says that if i take him back we wouldn't have to get remarried or anything - i just have to make the commitment to drive him everywhere. and i can't do that. i think it would kill me - as it almost did being with him before. but somehow i feel like i deserve him because i am such a lunatic. . .like i deserve to be hurt all the time
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03/12/2008 13:24
psk
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 Real you.

I don't want to be nean or insensitive, but you're letting yourself be abused by this A@#$%^& and If you let him back in, you'll never have any self respect..ever..


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