Intro

I am 33 years old and have two beautiful and wonderful children who are 14 y/o and 10 y/o. They are what keep me going.

I have been rapid-cycling for nearly two weeks now. One minute I am quiet and withdrawn and the next I am snappy, irritated and bitchy and the next I go back to bed because I don't want to face anything. I have very few moments of hyperness and my mind is always racing unless I take my serequol, clonidine, and trazadone. Then, I can get my mind to slow down enough to sleep or feel relaxed. And sometimes, I even go completely numb. I can't (or won't not sure of which)feel anything. Then there are times I feel EVERYTHING all at once and I am on a tail spin or roller coaster of emotions. Does that make any sense?

I am currently on Depakote, Serequol (sp), Clonidine, & Trazadone. I was on more then this a few months ago. I had two weeks where things were ok but the minute a bad stress hit or my emotions got "tested", everything would fall apart inside me. My emotions go into a constant turmoil and I literally break-down. It seems like I can't handle much of anything and I have a melt-down. Yes, I have had moments of suicical thoughts and nightmares (the PTSD; stuff from my past). I am extremely paranoid, jumpy, suspecious of everyone (with the exception of my kids).

I have no friends or family support (except my kids of course). I do go to therapy. Currently, I am fighting SSI (its just about in the court phase) because my mind is too unpredictable and unstable to hold down a job. I lost my last job because of my bi-polar crap. I fought with my co-workers to much I guess.

i look forward to getting to know all of you. I am very glad I found this Online Support Group. God knows I need it. Dana

Welcome to our forum, we think you will like it!!

I have been through what you are going through. It took time for the meds to do their job, and for everything to mellow out. I was up and down, too ,for a while after I got on meds. I am a rapid cycler, and was doing what you are describing. I was afraid to go anywhere. I didn't know what, I would do.

I screwed, up my work situation for the last time and hit a terrible depression and couldn't get out of it.

I have 4 kids, and have been coping for 5 yrs without meds, and self medicating before, that.

I have been diagnosed with all that you mentioned, and finally couldn't function.

So, I sought help. I am on Lamictal, Topamax, Buspar, and Abilify. It seems to be working really well.

After 5mos, I am calm , I am not cycling every week, sometimes twice a week, and not freaking out every two weeks, and not contemplating suicide every week with the cycling. I am also in therapy, too, and filing for SSI, so I can continue to get help.

I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone, and it does get better. Don't quit before the miracle happens!! God bless,Gypsy

I take 0.5mg klonipin 4xdaily, 900mg lithium, 100 mg(i think) thorazine, and abilify,just started that one. I have been on almost every med listed for the treatment of bi polar. Some were great, others sucked.

The feelings that you have just know that you are not alone. I am also jumpy, overly sensitive to stressfull situations, shoot sometimes the grocery store is too much. I have to turn around and walk out leaving a basket half full of groceries.

My only other concern would be for your daughters. I grew up with a bipolar mother who used me as her therapist and her "reason" for going on. The difference between u and her is that she was not seeking therapy at the time or even going to a Pdoc. I have been diagnosed with severe PTSD from the turmoil she put me through as a youth.

So as you can see I can see your situation from both ends but my main concern is for you. Limit stressful situations as much as you can, if you have to turn off your phone.And don't try to fight the cycles it only makes it worse, as least for me it does. When you feel it starting, call your pdoc. If you start to feel a change, call your pdoc. That's what they get paid for.

In regards to your SSI, if you don't have much medical history try to see if past employer's would give an honest report of your employment history with them. I filed for SSI but I also had years of medical records to back me up. I wish you luck in that department. If they deny you once keep fighting. As a matter of fact that should be your new motto in life. "Always keep fighting" no matter what you are referring to just keep fighting.

Much blessings

Something you said triggered some thought. I have been under counseling since the age of 13 years old off and on (mostly on then off). I was in the Foster Care system and even put up for adoption (which of course I was never adopted). My mother has severe mental issues (dangerous ones). She has been to prison twice for attempted murder (I was taken away from her because of her neglect and abuse). My father was too messed up to take care of me or my brother (and four other kids he had). He has passed on now. So I relatively don't have any family support on my side. My dad also had bi-polar disorder among other things(he was a Vietnam Veteran). My sister had bi-polar disorder but at the age of 20 y/o, she committed suicide My brother is extremely violent so I have nothing to do with him in my life (he has threatened my life).

I have been in treatment (the first time at the age of 15 y/o) when I tried to commit suicide by slashing my wrists. I was in treatment for over nine months for that and alcohol and drug abuse. I was in a total of four foster homes and barely made it through high school (only thanks to the last foster home I was in....good people).

I tried to hide my emotional problems thinking that if I acted "normal" that I would be "normal". When I got pregnant, I was on a roller coaster of emotions more then usual. Then, the abuse started in my relationship/marriage with my kids Dad. He said I "pushed him with my mouth" so that it was my fault why he would hit me. This continued for years. If he wasn't hitting me or shoving me, he was breaking shit in the house. The first time he hit my daughter was when she was 3 years old. I was so scared that my family would be torn apart (mainly scared someone would take my baby), that I had to lie to everyone about the bruises on the side of her face. I was so miserable inside and I had no where to go. No family, no friends, and I was scared to tell anyone the shit that was going because he made all the money, everything was in his name. I thought I could change him when hell, I couldn't even control myself. I would drink when I could, smoke "weed" when I could, self-medicate". I would hide things from him, lie to him just to keep things calm. I totally took care of my daughter and then son alone not "making" him help me because of his temperment. I hardly ever left the kids alone with him. I took them everywhere with me.

My life went bad to worse when my Dad found out he was dying from Agent Orange Lung Cancer. Watching him die torn me in two. That is when my mental illness came to the surface with a vengance. I was "broken", lost confused, lonely, tired, depressed, crushed.........just totally crushed. I never recovered from his loss. To this day, I cry when ever I think about him and watching him die. I have nightmares about it and about my mothers abuse and the things I saw as a child.

Then three years later, my sister committed suicide and that is when the mania hit...........and it hit hard!! I got divorced, left my kids and went 2000 miles away to stay and be with a guy I met online. I was only there for 6 months and almost jumped off a bridge to kill myself. I decided to come back and I checked myself into a mental hospital. I had stopped eating and lost a ton of weight, I was drinking and doing drugs, what I thought I was no longer existed anymore. All I was is this shell of a person with nothing left to live for.

My X husband called the hospital and wanted to work things out. Part of me wanted to and the other part of me just wanted to be with my kids (I signed papers giving him custody which I don't remember signing in the first place). I had no where to go so I said yes. BIG MISTAKE!!

So here I am. He doesn't hit me anymore but he uses his temper verbally now and still has control of everything and any time him and I get into a fight, he always uses the kids as the threat. "You can't take the kids, I have custody." He knows I want to be with them and that I have promised to never leave them again so I always end up staying.

i can't hold a job because of this mental instability I go through and with no personal support, my kids are the only reason I haven't cashed it all in by now.

Samll "stressors" send me into a tail spin and I am so sick of myself sometimes that I stop taking my meds. I know its wrong but well...........Idk!!

thank you for you input. It is very much appreciated. I will think about what you said and I will keep fighting, a day at a time. Dana

P.S. Thank you and blessed be!

I appreciate the sharing of your stories. I have had some the the experiences you all have had, too.

I have been a little shy about sharing about my story online so far. So here, I will share, a little, too.

Its nice to know others have experienced the same things I have.

I was involved in drugs and alcahol at a very young age. I started at 12 years old, and had the same abuses, and sexual abuse, and a father who is a drug addict and bipolar. My parents were divorced and I grew up in an abusive, disfunctional household.

I have been in and out of treatment and counseling since,I was 14 years old.

My mom tried to get me help all my life. I was a very adventurous teenager and young adult.

My bipolar and drug and alcahol addiction brought me to all kinds of wild places, and I have terrorized two men with my mania and depression. I blamed it on them of course, lol.

I got sober off and on since, I was 16 yrs old, but my bipolar would come out everytime, and I would end up running back to the self medicating lifestyle.

I had a family finally 10yrs ago, and was sober, trying to manage everything and live like a normal person. Every time, I had a baby, post partum would be out of control. I finally went to counseling, and they misdiagnosed me as depressed. I decided to do drugs and drink again, after 6 yrs of being sober.

Two years later, I ended up in jail,had lost my kids to their dad, and was insane!!.

I went into treatment, and got out of jail. In the meantime they diagnosed me with bipolar, again.

That was 5 yrs ago, and of course, they had to give me anti depressants, and put me on a bunch of other stuff ,and sent me out to work like a normal person.

Well, I again, told them, what they could do with their meds, and proceeded to live life sober, and try to work and get my life together.

So, Here, I am 5 yrs later, had another baby, in another relationship,I hadn't been as nuts yet, doing okay, so far, couldn't get a job and keep it, me and my boyfriends fighting all the time, going into isolation all the time, but, thought, I was just fine........lol.

Then, out of no where, came the low bottom depression, and the violent snapping, and the taking off, and the knife to the chest, and the paranoia!!. I was amazed!! It all came back !!

I was scared. I put me and my kids in counseling and got help, again. I didn't want to go through any of what I had in the past. No more, jail, no more violence, no more. I didn't want to do this to my kids again, either.

So, here, I am. I am on meds, in therapy, and filing for ssi, too.

I can't believe, I lived like that for so long!! I was living in the misery and chaos of my own mind.

When I was on meds the first week, I saw that , I wasn't even cleaning my house, I was running through it like a crazy woman. LOL I am calmer than I have ever been in my life, and finally able to go through the counseling process, and purge all tha hurt of my child hood. I was never ready to do that. I am able to talk to be instead of freak out and hide.

I am not saying I am perfect. I am Bipolar 1 with ptsd, too, and a rapid cycler. I cycle all the time, and just cycled last night. I just don't have to hurt anyone, or myself anymore. I still feel embarrassed, and sad,out of control, and all those things tthat we all feel, but with meds, its not so painful.

So there, I spilled.lol Thanks for letting me share. It feels so much better, now.

God bless ya all, Gypsy

Thank you for sharing your very private and painful struggles. These 'sharings' of our lives seem to bring more depth to our postings and credibility as we send out our tears, comfort, pain, and love to one another.

As a favorite poet of mine says,

Hold fast to your dreams.....

msbimbo

Thanks to everyone for helping me feel comfortable. I have yet to feel comfortable on any other site.

You are such an inspiration! I'm so glad you are here. Please stay forever. I cannot imagine the number of lives you impact for the good when you share in your postings.

Hugs!

msbimbo

And Again, back at you. I also hope you do well in school, and work. That is my next plan after I get my bipolar under control. I plan to get a career over haul myself, so, it makes me excited, and gives me hope to see others heal, and find success after the fallout.

So, may the angels carry you....god bless.Gypsy