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06/10/2009 04:24 PM

HELP FOR MY FAMILY

chilly09
Posts: 3
Member

I was hoping that someone could give me some advice and much needed help. I have an 18 year old son who started abusing me back when he was 11 years old by severely burning me with a cigarette lighter while I was driving my vehicle. I had him arrested for that incident and they attempted to charge him with felony battery but the case was diverted to the juvenile diversion program and consequently he was never charged. After that, I took him to doctor after doctor trying to find a medical reason that could be behind his bizarre behavior. Every doctor and psychologist who checked him out found nothing out of the ordinary and they said he'd grow out of it eventually. It was just a phase he was going through, etc. etc. Well long story short, the abuse continued and each time it got worse. My son becomes VERY violent but ONLY towards me! He has never even been in a fight with anyone else. He can control himself with friends, teachers, doctors, his Dad, his sister, everyone but me! He has destroyed everything in my house including my walls, my computer, about 5 cell phones, cars, personal heirlooms, etc. I have suffered many severe beatings that I have hidden from everyone outside the family for fear that people would think that my wonderful husband was hurting me. I didn't want anyone to think that he was the one. I know that this in itself was wrong but after having all of the doctors tell me that nothing was wrong with him, I didn't know what to do. Recently, he hurt me enough that he ended up being Baker acted but they only kept him in the CSU for 2 days. The psychologist who saw him at the CSU said that he was fine. But they did assign him to another counselor who did many tests ands swears that he is bipolar. I'm not sure that he is because the research that I have done about bipolar says that to be bipolar you have to be angry at everyone and be violent towards everyone. He controls it very well with everyone else but me. He puts on a good front with everyone and everyone including the doctors, think he's an awesome person who couldn't possibly do these horrible things to me. He's a straight A student, member of the NHS and is very athletic and very intelligent. I'm at my wits end because my entire family is broke up over this. My husband and I have been married for 25 years this month and we're managing to hang on despite all of this stress. Right now, I'm with my 13 year old daughter at a women's abuse shelter because I'm afraid of what my son might do to me if the new medication they have him on does the opposite of what it's supposed to. HIS counselor begged me to go to the shelter just as a precaution since I suffered my last beating this past weekend. So that's how it is now. My husband and son are at home and my daughter and I are at a shelter. I don't know what to do. I won't know if the medicine is working the way it's supposed to because I'm the trigger that sets him off but at the same time, I'm afraid to even set foot in the house for fear he'll start fighting with me and I'll end up getting severely hurt or worse again. By the way, I also have Multiple Sclerosis and all this stress isn't good for me. Please help.
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06/10/2009 05:09 PM
Ele
Posts: 2030
Senior Member

There is something inherently wrong about you going away to a domestic abuse shelter while your son goes home with your husband. It is time for him to wake up to the realities of the harsh cruel world and face some consequences for his actions. I don't know if your son is bipolar or not but it is never an excuse for harming someone. It is time for your son to go away to school or live with a friend or get a job and get his own apartment. He is 18 now and this has gone on long enough. It is time to end it. I hope you get peace and resolution to your problem.

06/10/2009 05:16 PM
deetwang

I have to agree with Ellie, it's time for you and your husband to both tell your son to leave the house. You have MS on top of all this? If he is 18 you can ask him to leave and you have plenty of reasons. It's time to think about YOU and what this is doing and can do to you if it continues. You can end up with bad anxiety like I have. My husband never hits me, but yells, breaks things, kicks things and as soon as I see his car pull up I pop a xanax. But since he's not physically abusing me, and I have disabilities, I put up with it. In any event, this abuse towards you has to stop!

I'm saying a prayer that you find an answer and soon, and that your husband,whom you say is wonderful, will be an active partner in whatever decision you make about getting this young man out of the house!

Hang in there...

Dee


06/10/2009 05:24 PM
scooby

Hello Chilly,

It seems like the problem has persisted for a long time and escalated as well. I think you have to take care of yourself and make that a priority, particularly since you have an illness that may be worsened by the stress you must have to deal with.

I recall the daughter of a girlfriend of mine and how she would do anything and everything to infuriate her parents and particularly her mom. She went to doctors and sought advice but came to the end of her wits about her daughter. It appeared she was incorrigible.

She consulted with her doctors and then with her attorney asking what she needed to do. Difficult as it was, she filed for papers to have her child be an emancipated minor and mom withdrew and had a restraining order against her daughter.

Once the space between them became clearly delineated, the boundaries drawn. the daughter began to change and for the better. A few years later she became pregnant and sought out her mother and they reconnected over the child, and it became a much healthier relationship. A second child was born and the mom-daughter connection became a constant.

There may be some chemistry between you and your son that can explain his behavior, some medications that could help, some therapy that could help, but I think the question you raise is what can you or could you do now, given what not only has happened but continues to happen (his abuse of you).

Maybe the turning point for this is coming in some form or another, but I think in the meantime you need to be safe and seek the aid of nurturing people in your life. He's 18 an no longer treated as a child by the legal system - the fact that he's an honor student and athlete is remarkable in light of what has happened in your lives for both of you.

I am wondering if you were to take a path similar to the lady I mentioned, to sever ties with him and give yourself (and him) time to heal. I hope he is launched and living independently. It sounds incredibly difficult, and I certainly hope you can talk with the right people and have a heart-to-heart with your husband - and make the right decision, for now.

Scooby


06/10/2009 05:33 PM
Ifoundfranklin
Posts: 33
Member

Sounds like he needs long term inpatient treatmnt. He is obviously a danger to himself and others, but at 18 you cannot forc him and even if you forced him when he was younger it might have ended in a life long resentment. I would put him in an apartment pay his first and last months rent and tell him from there it is up to him to get a job and continue on. IF he losses it he is on his own, you have launched him and go home and get a restraining order. See him occassionally for dinner or a movie in public places and leave it at that. at least that is my opinion, but you no what they say about opin ions....Grin

06/10/2009 06:01 PM
niecy440

I can't believe what you have been through at the hands of your own son. I am glad you are at a safe place, but you have the right to feel safe in your own home. I can't believe that he is not sitting in jail right now for the last beating. His counselor obviously knew you were in danger. You ended up at a woman's shelter.

I don't know if you can trust him being stable on meds to change everything. He is completely out of control.

Please get some counseling about this, you are dealing with a lot. You surely need some guidance right now.

I can't believe your husband would put up with him beating you on a regular basis. You absolutely have to throw him out if you want a chance at a normal life, a safe life. I think anybody would come to the same conclusion. For your families sake you have to put yourself first this time and get him out of the house. I wish the best for you and hope everything works out for the best. But some serious changes need to take place in your home. You can no longer be beat at the hands of your son. Please see a counselor about this and please take the advice given. Getting him out of the house is really your only hope right now.


06/10/2009 07:15 PM
uppitywoman
uppitywoman  
Posts: 42707
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

I have to agree with the others, your son is the one who has to go so you can have peace. It is not okay for him to be ruling the family the way he has. He needs professional help and you need to be free of that form of tyranny. I hope you can find a way to do that, and do it NOW!

06/11/2009 01:16 AM
taurus
taurusPosts: 2893
Senior Member

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It must be breaking your heart. I understand why you wouldn't want to kick him out. He's your son. But he's not acting like a son, he's acting like he's a very dangerous person. For him to act normal around others and beat you says he is a deeply disturbed young man. He doesn't act like he's sick because than he wouldn't be able to control himself around others. He is very calculating which is scary for you. The beatings are only going to get worse and he knows he's in charge. It sounds like he enjoys hurting you for some reason. Kick him out it is not your fault he is like this. He chooses to be like this and that's scary. Please get help and get a restraining order. You have enough proof from his counselor. He dangerous protect yourself, call the police have them take you home and have them make him leave. Press charges and get a restraining order. We're here if you need us always. You are not alone.

07/24/2011 04:21 PM
chilly09
Posts: 3
Member

Thanks everyone for your replies and I am writing today to let everyone know the status of the relationship between my son and myself.

When I wrote last time, my daughter and I were in a domestic violence shelter in order to ensure our safety. I was not sure that the anger that my son had against me would be transferred to my daughter so I didn't take a chance of it. Anyway, after many talks with his counselors, my husband, and my son, I decided to take another chance with my son and my daughter and I went home. Things were okay for awhile with my son because he knew that I could leave again at a moment's notice and he didn't like that. However, the quietness and peace didn't last for long as he started in on me again. I can't tell you how many times he has hurt me since the last time I wrote in this forum and each time I warned him (after he had apologized) that I was not going to take it anymore and that if he didn't change, I was going to have him arrested. He didn't believe me and this last time he assaulted me on June 13th of this year, I had him arrested and now the case is going to go to trial in August. He has a chance to plea bargain with the state but he will not get any jail time unless the jury finds him guilty but he is not going to let it go that far because he does not want to take his chances with a jury. I can't believe that my husband (who was the only one allowed to see him while he was in jail) thought that he had changed. My son swore to my husband that he had a realization in jail that once he lost me, I was gone forever and he swore that he would never touch me again. My husband truly believed him and told me about it and I began to believe that maybe his being in jail was the best thing that could have happened to him and maybe he did change for the better and that things would finally be better after so long. So I sold my last heirloom from my mother who died last year, her car. I sold it for junk, $300, just so that my husband could bail him out and I could pay for an attorney to file an order to modify the no contact order so he could come home and not live on the street. Even though he did those horrible things to me, I couldn't imagine my own son living on the streets plus I truly thought he had changed. It broke my heart to sell the car but I wanted to make sure he was out of that place. Obviously, I made a huge mistake because after a few days of being home, he started on me again. He has not lost control enough to hit me but he has destroyed even more of my stuff and because the order says no violent contact against me, he figures it gives him carte blanche with my stuff because the police said that I can't have him arrested for destroying my stuff but I could have him evicted because he is considered a tenant in my home. This is so laughable because he doesn't pay for anything in our home since our economy sucks and there are no jobs around not to mention the fact that he can't get a job yet until after he knows the outcome of the trial (if it gets that far). So the money will have to come from me and my husband and we don't have it because we live off of my disability from my MS and that's it. My husband was laid off and with no unemployment checks coming in, it's all on me. My husband has been trying to find a job daily up until he fell and his right knee was destroyed. He managed to tear his ACL, his Meniscus, and did other damage and now his hopes are shattered.

By now, you can well imagine that I am a nervous wreck. I am walking on eggshells around my son. I jump whenever he comes near me even if he's not in a rage. Lord knows, I try not to but I can't help it. The things he has done in the past have scarred me for life I'm afraid. I have anxiety so bad and I have tried to find a therapist who will see me on a sliding scale but none will because I have Medicare and they don't accept it. My marriage is suffering because after being so stressed from trying to keep from becoming harmed again by my son, there is no time for me and my husband to be just a couple again. Not to mention, my health has been severely affected by all of this stress and I have had an exacerbation of the MS and I am recently recovering from Bronchitis on top of it all. I am truly afraid for what is going to happen to my family if my son just gets probation because he has no way of living on his own but I don't know how to live with him now. I literally have nothing left of personal and sentimental value nor anything of financial value because he has destroyed everything. I am down to my old vehicle and nothing more. So far, I still have the love of my husband and daughter who is currently staying out of the home with family friends because I don't want to put her jeopardy just in case. I don't know what to do. I feel so depressed at times and I don't know how to handle all of this without some sort of guidance. I pray to God all the time because I know that he has an answer to this but I don't know how much more patient I can be. Sorry this post is so long but I am really in crisis right now. I know that having him arrested was the right thing to do for my own personal safety and that of my family but yet, as a mother, I feel so guilty because he is my son and suffering from a mental illness. How can I love him so much and yet be so angry at the behavior he has displayed when the behavior is part of the person.


07/24/2011 06:58 PM
YorkieLove
YorkieLove  
Posts: 7033
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

You have every right to your anger. In fact, it is your duty to.be angry if that is what it takes for you to defend yourself. Part of your duty as a parent is to help your child grow. He will never learn about loving, respectful relationships if you don't stand up and demand respect. As far as his perhaps being bipolar, that is absolutely NO EXCUSE for his behavior.

I had to turn my son in to teach him a lesson and he spent his 18th birthday in jail. So I know your conflicted feelings. The world will hold them accountable, even if we do not and the world won't be as kind. The odds are your son will abuse whomever he choses as a romantic interest. The earlier he learns this lesson, the better off he will be.

I'm sorry for your pain. Please do not give up. You.can do this. Hugs.

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