What's wrong with me?

I'm sorry this is so long and maybe a tad bit more information than some would like, but I'm frustrated and tired. I would love to shed a few pounds and don't have time to work out because I always have the kids under foot. Sorry this is getting long. I'm just in a state of confusion for the moment.

Hey, you know what? I'm the bi-polar one and I know what's going on! Wow, I actually understand something for once! Anyway, your first entry was not too long. This is the place to say how we feel and ask for help. The length and emphatic statements indicate the degree of your feelings, too.

ok, why won't he help inside the house? I was a homesteader in the 1990s. I built outbuildings, gardened, managed our wood lots, cut/split wood for heating, built a large deck, roofed the cabin, built masonry projects, wired our outbuildings and installed solar/wind/gas generators. Wow, you may think I did a lot, and I did, but when I was working on one of those projects it took an amazing about of manic energy to accomplish each one. Now even the small tasks require so much attention and focus beyond my relaxed (normal) state, that when I am done, I'm wiped out mentally. Another result of working outside so much, was when I would return to the indoors, I felt too large, hands too clumsy, the air too close and stifling. I would only want to retreat and try to stop the hurting in my mind and body from too much (manic induced) work. This may be what he is feeling. Your home may be large enough, the air fresh and lovely, and he seems to believe everything is fine in his standard.

I now know what I have to do if I am to get any indoor tasks done from myself. I wake up and plan my day with indoor tasks first, I do them and then do the out of doors or away from home stuff/errands. I get a bit more done and I feel satisfied when I come home and don't feel like doing anything for whatever side effect bi-polar is serving me that day.

I understand your frustration. I have been a perfectionist when it came to my home for years. My family used to laugh on the side about how when I was ready to clean house, I'd tell them to all leave. Then like a tornado, I'd work myself into a manic monster and thoroughly clean as well as do small maintenance as I went. The house was so clean you could eat off my floors. NOT NOW! What a blessing to have been freed from that perfection monster driven my mania.

The hypersensitiveness of bi-polar is another issue which is difficult to relate to others from the bi-polar person. We feel intensely everything. I'm not talking about emotions, but senses. I always thought I was 'normal' in that regard, now I understand why I was so very, very picky about the foods I ate as a child. My children have, at different times, displayed very strong reactions to the taste and texture of food. (will have more on next post afraid of loosing all of this...)

I know now, the child with the strongest aversions is my bi-polar adult son. Bless his little heart, I'd sit at the table and cry for him as he could not stand to eat certain foods. I was the same way, but my foster aunt ridiculed me and beat me.

The hypersensitivity is in all of the senses. The feel of fabrics, texture of foods, taste, smell, sounds, light sensitivity. I can smell things others don't even smell. I hear sounds so acutely, I feel like superwoman. Whatever, I think you've got the drift. Because of these super heightened senses we become overloaded with information and stimuli. It aggravates an already manic episode and makes a depressed person want to withdraw even more to avoid the intenseness of the stimulation.

Now, I don't want to discourage you, but inform you of my experience and reality. Jolamoma, it's tough being bi-polar and it must be even more perplexing, frustrating, and exasperating to be in love with one of us.

If these are the things I've experienced as a 'mild' bi-polar, I cannot imagine the misery your husband must be in if he's any greater in degree of condition than I. It must be horribly intense for him.

I hope you know, I want to reassure you, that I am only saying what I have experienced and I certainly commend you for your devotion to your family!

You are one great lady and if your husband ever gets stabilized, he will certainly know what a wonderful woman he's married. He'll know the devotion and generosity of spirit, too. He's understand that you would need to take mini-breaks for your own sanity!

Here's a bit of advice that was mentioned by another poster above, take that mini vacation! You NEED it for yourself to recharge/relax/rebuild yourself or you will not be the woman you want to be. Your health and welfare are paramount in this relationship.

Eventually, he will understand the beauty of you even more fully, as the medication and condition becomes more manageable.

I think of you often in my day and offer prayers for you and your family.

God Bless

msbimbo

You are one wonderful lady!

Hope all goes well for you, Dear.

msbimbo

I agree that you should take a small vacation even for just a couple of days. I don't think I could handle contending with a spouse with bipolar and the kids, house, etc. I commend you for looking for support and for trying to figure out a way to engage your husband to help more around the house. I think that's tough even without the bipolar issue.

I noticed on your posting that you spoke of the sensitivity that you experience with bipolar. I didn't know that and it can explain why I almost want to puke when I think of eating any fruits or veggies for the past month or so, which was during a down cycle. I too am very sensitive to smells and can smell things others don't at all. There's too much to learn about this disease and it's overwhelming at times too. It will be nice to get support from people contending with the same issues related to the disease.

Thanks!

Yes, most of my life, I've been hypersensitive, but was forced by a very assertive aunt who fostered me, that I just needed 'to get over it.'

With the last nasty crash, I could finally begin to see what I'd been blind to with denial. I can think back to how much it revolted me to even hold a toothbrush in my hand let alone brush my teeth. I'd be so sensitive, I'd do the same things you did when you ate fruit. I just had a manic cycle and I brushed my teeth on the average of 4 to 5 times a week -yuck!

I used to have migraine headaches so badly that I would end up in the hospital with convulsions. Sometimes the medication would not work, but prior to the headaches, I'd have an even more intense sensitivity to all the senses. I put my bi-polar cycle responses right up there with the migraine sensitivity level.

I've also been tested for the first time in my life for allergies. Over a year ago the testing was done and now some allergens I no longer react to. Others still make me miserable. I love coffee, but I'm allergic to it...as well as beef, chicken, chocolate, molds, dust, ragweed, barley, oats...all the things I like! Your aversion may be a learned response from an allergen, too?

Hope you find something in here which will help or encourage you, Dear.

msbimbo