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04/18/2009 09:51 AM

Why does this keep happening? Is it me???

BrokenAngel68
 
Posts: 25
Member

I haven't posted in a bit and I probably should have been. I pose a question to you guys....TRUST is a huge issue for me, so when I find someone i can and do trust, I really let my guard down, obviously. What has started to become a pattern, and I'm not sure if it's a matter of my just making the wrong choices on who to trust, or what, but it's like I let them in, to TRULY see how my mind works at times, as funky as that may be,and then when I do, it seems like they decide "oh you have too many issues that i'm not qualified to deal with" and i end up being rejected AGAIN. Makes me wonder, what's the point of trusting enough to be open??? I mean i keep getting told, oh well if you're doing something you don't like, and you realize you're doing it...just don't do it. I mean my God, I"m 41 yrs old and haven't figured out how to just NOT DO IT yet, so don't ya think if I could figure out how to flip that switch I would??? By the things that are said to me when that happens (the getting bailed on), really doesn't help the negative messages that run through my head at times to start with. Does any of this make sense to anybody??? If it does, how do you deal with it??? Thanks for taking the time to read this...
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04/18/2009 10:00 AM
neondreams
neondreams  
Posts: 7297
VIP Member

According to my tdoc, I have "trust issues" due to the 4 kinds of abuse I suffered from age 7-18. The only way I've managed to deal with it is to distance myself from people and prevent myself from having close relationships with them. Based on past experience, I've always found that whenever I get close to someone, they leave, so I don't see the point in trusting anyone more than a person I would consider an acquaintence. I prefer to rely on myself 100%. That way, I don't have to worry about picking up the pieces emotionally if people let me down.

04/18/2009 10:01 AM
rmm164
rmm164  
Posts: 2316
VIP Member

I don't have an answer for you but I do understand. I do it with guys and with friends both. It's gotten better but I'm not real sure why or how. I think I stopped picking the same type people to get close to. I think I could always find the one untrustworthy person in a group of 100 and gravitate toward them. I think I've learned to not gravitate straight toward that person. To withhold my trust until I'm sure they're trustworthy. I don't know if that makes any sense, probably not. But I do understand what you're saying. I really do.

04/18/2009 10:08 AM
taurus
taurusPosts: 2893
Senior Member

I agree with Neon I feel the exact same way she does.

04/18/2009 10:11 AM
uppitywoman
uppitywoman  
Posts: 42707
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Hi BrokenAngel. Glad to hear from you again. I understand the trust issue. I have had difficulty with that as well. What I have found is that I have to take it slow. I had to learn to do that. It took effort on my part to keep my mouth shut. As I got to trust, I still didn't let it all out. Little bits at a time. If what I share prompts questions and concerns, then I tell a little more. Relationships are give and take, so I invest in the other person as well. I can count on one hand the number of people that I have deep enough relationships with who know I am bipolar. I just don't talk about it much. They don't have the expertise to help me, they are just very close friends who love me and care very deeply for me. I guess what I am trying to say is that I talk more about my bipolar to my pdoc and here than I do with those I trust. As I said, if they want to know more, and some do, then I share more. I have found that a safe way to make relationships stay strong.

04/18/2009 10:21 AM
scooby

The father of a friend of mine told me a story, a story about trust, and I thought it was neat.

Once upon a time there was a young American Indian boy in the southwest somewhere. He invited his friend to go into the desert with him to play together, and they both brought their bag of favorite stones. When they got to a deserted place, they drew a circle in the sand and both sat down inside it. This was the custom.

Each took out his bag of stones and began showing his favorite stones to the other, ones they had polished and made gleam and look just perfect. In time one boy brought out one of his stones that was still dull and needed work. The other boy started laughing and ridiculing him. The boy with the dull stone started sobbing and crying.

He ran home to tell his father, a wise Indian warrior, about what had happened and how he decided he would never share and show his pebbles ever again. His father quietly told him, "No, you don't see what a gift you have been given, a lesson. Though some may let us down, we need to learn what you have learned. You still need to seek and find those whom you can trust."

We do not all have bags full of the most precious stones, we have a few that may need a little work still.

Dreamcatcher2

Post edited by: scooby, at: 04/18/2009 10:37


04/18/2009 10:25 AM
BrokenAngel68
 
Posts: 25
Member

Thank you all so much for your responses and your support. it really does mean a lot to me. Nice to know that people really DO understand.

04/18/2009 05:40 PM
jennywren
jennywrenPosts: 3165
Senior Member

Dunno BrokenAngle if you have a tdoc or not.

I do not agree with withdrawing from life and relationships at all.

How about looking at exactly how and what you tell othes about you disorder? You may be advised to repharse or tone it down a bit. Let the person you are telling ask questions if they want to.

I am sorry to say I can understand why a person without Bipolar or some other disorder would back away.

I will tell you that using the excuse of being 41 and therefore not able to change is a bit of a copout to me.

Good heavens it took me over 50 years to control my butting in when someone was talking. Well I still do that when manic. And yes I am now working with a tdoc to get rid of a few other bad traits. I will succeed.

If no tdoc I suggest you get one to help you out.

All the best,

JennyWren


04/18/2009 07:45 PM
HangingOn
HangingOn  
Posts: 42
Member

I agree with JennyWren. The worst thing you can do is to isolate yourself even more. Open up to people, but learn to set boundaries for yourself and how much you tell them. No one who comes into your personal life should come in with the job of "fixing you". That's what psychiatrists and therapists get paid to do.

The word "Bipolar" still has negative connotations and a stigma attached to it. You are NOT your illness. Perhaps you could let people get to know the rest of you.


04/18/2009 09:28 PM
midnightstar
midnightstarPosts: 50
Member

You may want to take a step back and get to know people before disclosing the fact that you have bipolar. This would allow them to get to know the REAL you instead of thinking of you as a "friend who has bipolar." Remember, you're a person first and bipolar second.

Post edited by: midnightstar, at: 04/18/2009 21:30

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