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04/09/2009 11:00 AM

Please help me.

JDUBB77
Posts: 6
Member

Hello All,

I am married to my wife of almost 9 yrs, we have been together ten.We have 2 children together and I adopted her son from an abusive marriage when he was 4. She was just recently diagnosed B/P (seraquel,depakote and i think something else) although I suspect she has been sick longer then that. I also believe her father is undiagnosed B/P.(some pretty good stories on thatWink

I love my wife and I have always tried to make her happy,usually unsuccesfully. She has always had a quick fuse with me and says things I always hoped she didnt mean. I honestly feel like I have walked the ends of this earth for this woman. Put up with I dont know how many heartaches and headaches with her.She is very fun loving with the children but usually cold and distant to me. I really feel I am at the end of my rope with her because of what recently happened.

I caught her in an affair with a horn dog asshole from work. Just so you know I am a peace Officer and so is he.(shes an office worker)Now its been a month since this all happened, I have been home three weeks. She says she loves me and she is sorry for what she did and he didnt mean anything to her. And in return I have acknowledged that I wasnt emotionally there as I could have been. I really want to believe that her disorder maybe contibuted to the affair, but I dont know. She uses "I am mentally sick," everytime she is mean and hurts me or when I need some affection. And in light of what happened I need a whole lot of affection. I am so destryed by what she did to me, I want to forgive her. I get upset natuarally when my mind starts turning, in return she gets frusterated at me for being upset.

I know I need counseling $ is an issue if I dont want to see a EPA(state paid) counseler. I tried one of em in town and he told me basically its my fault ect.ect.ect. grrrrrr

I am sorry this is so long winded , I need help understanding my wife, her lack of compassion towords me and her lack of guilt, wtf is bipolar doing to us??

BTW you ppl that help others on here ROCK!

--The Dubbster

Post edited by: JDUBB77, at: 04/09/2009 17:06

Reply

04/09/2009 11:07 AM
scooby

JDU,

My girlfriend and best friend got together and I didn't know about it for 6 months. When I did find out, she claimed the relationship with him was over.

Growing up she was abused sexually by her step father and I think it left emotional scars.

We talked heart-to-heart, took ourselves to a therapist (marriage type), and I worked on forgiveness and learning to trust her again. We didn't last.

I think the issues for me might be similar to yours except that you have a bipolar wife and heightened sexuality is part of what we deal with when manic.

You sound level-headed. It can be done.

Post edited by: scooby, at: 04/09/2009 11:08


04/09/2009 11:14 AM
JDUBB77
Posts: 6
Member

Scooby,

thanks for the reply, If you dont mind me asking why didnt you last? This is a big pill to swallow when you have only tried to do the "right" thing.

Dubb


04/09/2009 11:25 AM
scooby

JDU,

As a result of her molestation throughout her adolescence, she developed the erroneous belief that the only way she could be popular was to flirt sexually with men. She was pretty and did that well.

We were together for several years and I accepted that quirk as just being part of her character. I became okay with it and thought other men flirting with her was just okay - if it went no further.

My boundaries were trampled in the relationship. I did try to trust her again. However, it was not only my friend she slept with. Our relationship slowly died. We gradually came apart as a couple, we were no longer as sexually active, and all things considered, it was time to end the relationship.

When I met her years later at a party, we went out to have a drink and talk (we did that well). I was surprised to have her tell me that after we ended couples therapy with the therapist, she slept with him also.

Post edited by: scooby, at: 04/09/2009 11:29


04/09/2009 11:42 AM
rmm164
rmm164  
Posts: 2316
VIP Member

JDU, if you want your marriage to last I'd say the best thing for you to have is patience. Easier said than done, sometimes. Patience with yourself even. Don't expect yourself to trust her exactly the same as you did overnight. Give yourself time. Marriage counselling might be an option. It's going to take both of you some time to heal and get better. But if you both want to, it can be done. Welcome to the group.

04/09/2009 12:01 PM
bejeweled
bejeweled  
Posts: 1374
Senior Member

JDU - I have been with my g/f for 7 years. She is diagnosed BP two years ago and Borderline last month. That isn't what brought me here. What brought me to MDJ was my g/f's affair. She has always been BP, we just didn't know it. It was the worst time of my life. What made it seem almost impossible is that she wasn't "there" on any level. We went to therapy, and more therapy. She went on medications and off medications. Saw psychiatrist after psychiatrist. And this was just to get a handle on her BP and psychosis. She believed that I was trying to kill her, that I was (or others) were trying to poison her food, that people would come and kill her in her sleep. It was awful.

She is seriously mentally ill. As a result, she cannot be there for me in the way that I expect her to be. I had two choices, leave or change my expectations. I chose to stay and change my expectation. It is not easy. I have cried a lot alone. She has moments where she is sorry and seems genuine. But we have never dealt with that affair. Someday maybe we can, but her thinking is very disjointed. Until she is actually stable, all I am doing is creating more chaos by bringing it up. I know she had the affair because she was miserable. She believed that her misery was caused by ME. Now at least she gets that she is miserable regardless - that took lots of therapy. The BP makes her miserable. I am the same person she fell in love with.

That isn't to say that I run around blindly trusting her, I don't. I check her phone, check her car....keep tabs on whatever I can - although I know it doesn't matter - she is going to do what she is going to do. I cannot control her. She struggles with controlling herself. I know sometimes it's easy for me to get really angry, but this illness has ruined her life. She is not happy. It has taken a long time for her to recognize that it is the illness that causes her misery. She has finally started seeing patterns to her behavior. She tells me when she is being irrational. And finally I can tell her when I think she is being irrational. That is a huge step.

I don't really need to be anywhere else. I have invested and built a life with this woman. I can give her more time to get well.


04/09/2009 12:33 PM
JDUBB77
Posts: 6
Member

thanks Rhonda and Bejeweled. good advice and I appreciate it alot! What i dont understand is how can she be so cruel when I am absolutely dying inside and crying on the out? This sux.

--Dubb


04/09/2009 12:48 PM
bejeweled
bejeweled  
Posts: 1374
Senior Member

Looking at it that way hasn't helped me. It is important that I seperate her illness from her as a person. If I believed for one minute that she was actually mean and hated me - I wouldn't be there. She isn't a bad person trying to get good. She is a sick person trying to get well. There is a difference. BUT she is doing what it takes to get better. That is all I can ask of her today.

Now, with the affair, I did make her change jobs because it was someone at work. There was no way in hell I was going to let her stay there. That is just something that I felt was not negotiable. Neither was changing her phone number. It didn't stop right then. Eventually she did do those things but there was a lot of screaming, crying and moving in and out in between. It was chaos for a good three months. And with you three all working at the same place...yikes. That would be impossible for me. Someone would get their ass beat. It would be more then I could take.


04/09/2009 01:26 PM
JDUBB77
Posts: 6
Member

Helk man I cant seperate her from anything, I kinda have this train of thought that goes "if she loved me then she wouldnt be mean to me and wouldnt say 'fuck you' before i even get out of bed in the morning" which is what happened today. Im confused . I thought she was going to change somwewhat after all this blew up in my face. Maybe she doesnt love me and isnt willing to admit it??

04/09/2009 01:27 PM
JDUBB77
Posts: 6
Member

isnt this behavior a byproduct of bipolar??
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