Bipolar Support Group

Hi, my name is Carrie. Okay, so here's my situation. I've been married for 13 years to a man with bipolar who refuses to get treatment. He is a chronic alcoholic and also refuses to get treatment for his alcoholism. When I met him he had just gotten out of a rehab. center and was clean and going to AA meetings regularly and was clean and sober about the first year and a half into our marriage.

He drinks "in secret" for some reason so I've never actually seen him drink, but I can tell when he's been drinking and he doesn't deny that he's still actively drinking. His work takes him out of town quite frequently for four nights of the week so he's only home on weekends (Fri., Sat., and Sun.) thank God. I have a 15 year old son from a former relationship that lives with us but will move to his father's house in June and my husband and I have a 9 year old son together. My 9 year old has just been diagnosed with bipolar and will be starting medication for it (Abilify) on Saturday.

My husband is a hermit. He has no friends, won't leave the house to do anything, won't play with my son, and doesn't really want much to do with raising my son. My son seems like a source of irritation to him, although my husband claims that he cares deeply for him (there's that Bipolar). He is extremely verbally and mentally abusive with me and my son. He is like a child that never grew up (there's that Bipolar). As long as I give him exactly what he wants at all times (including sex), his mood seems to stabilize. However, if something goes wrong (dinner isn't on time, I'm too late getting back from the store, I didn't pay enough attention to him or, heaven forbid, I didn't want to have sex), then there is hell to pay. I'm constantly walking on egg shells as to how he is going to react and constantly trying to keep him happy. I'd rather "just do it" than pay the price of his wrath (that includes sex which makes me feel like a prostitute, dirty and sick).

I have had it with this whole situation and I am ready to leave but I am terrified. I am waiting for some money to come (he's getting a small windfall from a work buyout) and then I'm intending to pay off some bills and get out. I'm scared to death that he is going to make my life completely miserable when I leave though. I'm also afraid that he's going to kill himself by not taking care of himself (I do everything for him, including picking up his diabetic medication and making sure he takes it). I'm so scared to get out but I'm also afraid to stay. I know my son is suffering so I should have enough strength to do it for him but for some reason this man makes me feel so damn sorry for him and I just don't know why. I always thought of myself as a strong person but these past 13 years of acquiescing to him has sucked my spirit dry.

First I wouldn't be so quick to blame anything on bipolar.With alcoholism symptoms are very similar and it is impossible to distinguish the two without a significant period of sobriety. I am not bipolar, but I am an alcoholic so lets start there. In order for me to drink I need people in my life to enable me. I cannot drink without someone to take care of the house, the bills, my car, my family, ect. It is impossible. Without someone to babysit me I would end up homeless and in jail. Period. There is no way around it. So I look for good enablers. Sure they complain and gripe. They want me to get better, I make their life miserable....blah, blah, blah. But when I am drinking I don't worry about what they say, only what they actually DO. Talk is cheap. If you want to save this man, then do him a favor and stop taking care of him. Make him responsible for him. Go to Alanon meetings (look in the phone book, they have meetings everyday) for support. Alcoholism as a family disease and as predictable as he is, you are just as predictable. There is a pattern of behavior that all alcoholics share, as do their enablers, and their children. That is why when one person starts to get well, even the enabler, it changes the entire family dynamic. In order to get sober, I had to hit bottom. I only did that once people stopped taking care of me and enabiling my addictive behavior. There are also "alateen" meetings for your children. You don't have control of him or his choices, but you do have control of yours. Once you start going to Alanon you will understand everything you need to do, and how what you do keeps him from taking responsibility for himself.

And maybe you do need to leave just to get some perspective and get out of it for him to get sober. If he used to go to AA then he knows the truth already. And he knows what to do. I promise you he will not stop drinking if knows he can manipulate you into continuing the pattern.

Post edited by: bejeweled, at: 04/03/2009 07:47

Yes, you are right. I am enabling him every day and I shouldn't blame it on his bipolar. I do agree that if I left it would force him into hitting rock bottom and perhaps bring about a change which would be for his own good. Thanks for the input.

Carrie you can't blame all his faults on bipolar. If he is verbally abusing you and your son you need to get out. Maybe when you leave he will snap out of it and go back to rehab. If he's bipolar he needs medicines to keep him stable. There are alot of men who act that way and its not because of bipolar, they're abusers. Yes leave for your son's sake he doesn't deserve to live like that. Leave him to care for himself for a change and quit being the enabler. He probably feels like he doesn't need to respect you. You do everything for him no matter how he treats you. Maybe if you leave he will go back to rehab and get straight. Sorry I couldn't help more. PM me anytime if you need to talk. Wecome to the group.

Thank you for the comments and your offer to talk. I know I shouldn't blame his bipolar (or his alcoholism) on his behavior. I wish he would get treatment (for both) but I doubt that's going to happen, especially when I am doing such a great job at enabling him. I don't want my boys to see a woman being treated like he treats me and think it's okay. I can see parts of his abusiveness coming out in them already. It is so hard to think about leaving though. Every time I think about it my stomach turns. I am so afraid of what he's going to do. I know I shouldn't worry about what hasn't happened yet but I do because he's so unpredictable and compulsive over me. Say, I noticed you're on Abilify. My son is going to be starting that on Saturday. Any thoughts/comments on that?

you don't deserve to be treated that way. period. i am bipolar and don't drink, do drugs, run around, or demand things from my wife. i am quite docile actually (for a lot of reasons). my wife does not support me, and we haven't had sex in eight years. your husband is lucky to have you, but he doesn't deserve you. my fear he will take his abuse to the next level.

good luck, and stay safe clw.

Read Bejeweleled message...several times. She sums it all up...

My two cents...he is immature and self-centered. That is necessarily not from having bipolar disorder...it just may be him. Get some help for yourself. Therapy can be a wonderful way to start to change your life...wishing the best for you...

Thank you. It is nice to hear from a man's perspective. I too am afraid he will take it to the next level. I'm afraid that will be when I try to leave. I feel like a caged animal with the door open only too afraid to step out into freedom. Honestly, I never thought I would be like this. I am a professional person. I work in a professional career, 40 plus hours a week, have my own at-home business on the side and can run things quite wonderfully from the "outside looking in" but people don't see the "inside looking out" and the Sleeping with the Enemy saga that is my reality. I know I'm not perfect and I can't put all the blame onto him. Nothing is 100% in the other's corner but I really do feel that if I stay much longer I am going to die. My spirit is already dead and may never return. Thanks for listening.

none of us is perfect CLW, but that doesn't mean you deserve to be treated that way. he's angry at himself and takes it out on you. it sounds like you are quite capable of taking yourself, i admire that greatly and you should be proud that you can do so. as a professional running your own business, you don't need the added fear/agitation/stress that comes from your husband. not to mention the fact that you say your spirit is dead and my never return (i can definitely relate to that). these kinds of feelings will obviously have a tremendous impact on your overall quality of life...and you don't deserve that.

this isn't about your husband anymore clw this is about you. perhaps you can talk to women who work with abused women professionally on the qt to find out the best and safest way to leave. please take care of yourself and my heart goes out to you.