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03/17/2009 08:39 PM

Being abused by a non-bipolar spouse

Posts: 13

I see everywhere (even here) people asking how to deal with being abused by their bipolar spouse.

But what I want to know, is what do you do when the one being abusive is normal?

I have bipolar, my huband doesn't. I can be combative, but for the most part I'm a peace-loving hippie. My husband likes to use some of my weakness (bugger-all short term memory, forgetfulness, confusion, etc) against me, knowing I have no real idea if he's right or not and making me feel worthless.

Around friends he likes to play the supportive spouse, but alone, h can be a right bastard!

I don't know if this is his way of dealing with me or if he really is just mean?

Any thoughts?


03/17/2009 08:53 PM
Posts: 2160
VIP Member

there is a family support here called bipolar in the faimily Any nownoEXCUSE no matter whaT he should underststand that you have a mental illness and you cant Help and if he dont understand then he needs to get educated about itErmm now not later but now anyother way other wise he is justut going to think you have lost it and keep using that for a excusePinch Pinch

for your sake take care of youWink Whistling right now that Whistling is all tha mattersSmile Wink

03/17/2009 08:56 PM
jennywrenPosts: 3162
Senior Member

Stormi, it is rather hard to really think of what to say in responce to your questions. But it is damned unpleasent what is happening to you at home. I could cheerfully give him a good punch where it hurts. Hey I don't recommend you do this. ie it is called assult.

I for one do not know what is actually going on in his mind.

Now for my two cents worth.

One suggestion. And that is he is having frustrations living with a wife with Bipolar. Thus he takes it out on you at home. But pulls himself together when with others as likes to be seen by others as being a great surportive spouse.

The second suggestion is that he is a "right bastard". And could well behave this way at home even if he had a "perfect" wife (I don't think that one exists).

The only suggestions I have is to make sure he is well informed re Bipolar and how it has effected you good self. Maybe he can go with you to the pdoc or tdoc so that they can inform him?

People often take notice to doctors rather than their spouse.

Another suggestion is to go to a marriage consulor (sp).

I think that I have said this before to someone else with the same problem and that is, you will need to think well and consult others (professionals), if he is carrying out his verbal abuse in front of your kids, well if you have any.

Ah, another thought, do you go to work? If not he might be suffering from stress due to the economic situation we are in and be worried re income as you are not able to work, if he should lose his job?

Very hard to know or guess what his problem may be.

I hope that you can work this out.


03/17/2009 09:05 PM
Posts: 13

Hey Jenny

Thanks for the reply.

I'm (for the most part) the bread winner. I temp and earn buckets. I put myself through hell to make his life easier.

I wish I knew what his problem was, because my nature is to help and fix things, an I can't even help my own husband.

Gah! See, just talking about and I'm making his problems mine.

I don't know, maybe a trip with my to see the psych will do us both some good....that's if he's willing to go.


03/17/2009 09:44 PM
jennywrenPosts: 3162
Senior Member

Gee, here is another idea Smile. Possibly he is jealous, put out, that his female is earing more money than he is. Some men just hate that, ie their mum, their sister, their wife having more money than they. My brother was a bit like that for a while.

He seems to be making his problem yours. The thing is to toss the ball back on his side of the court. Buggared if I quite know how to do this.

But do get him to the psych. Well you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink.

I will tell you what you are doing pretty well, going off the work, and temp work at that. We with Bipolar Disorder do need order and regular events in our lives.

All the best,


03/18/2009 08:39 PM
Posts: 13

It's happened again today.

I'm sitting here crying hysterically on/off and he's gone to work, with a ' fuck you, I want a divorce! you're so useless/stupid/lazy/worthless/pathetic/dumb that you don't have a fulltime job.' I don't know what to do anymore. the more i try to fix things the worse they get. not only is my brain bipolar, but so is my life!

i don't want this anymore. I wantto be normal. I want my husband to love me and treat me good.

03/18/2009 09:12 PM
jennywrenPosts: 3162
Senior Member


To be honest with you, I would not put up with your husband. Was not brought up this way. I remember well my mother saying just this. She also said if a man ever laid a hand on her, she would be off. Makes good sence to me (not that I am saying your hubby is doing this).

But and the big but is, you are you and I am me. Two different people.

I am indeed sorry that he has been a bugger again. Maybe you might do better by not trying to fix things.

I am afraid that if he keeps on this way, he will in the end destroy your self esteme and self confidence. Apart from you being on edge wondering when he would go at it again.

However it is not my place to give advise or encourge you to leave him, or toss him out if that possible. I am no counsuler.

The person to help you there is a family counsuler. And for you to go to this counsuler (even if he won't). Working with a counsuler(sp) will assist and help you to decide just what action, if any, you really want to take.

It is a very hard time for you!

Am thinking of you,


03/18/2009 10:46 PM
taurusPosts: 2893
Senior Member

I don't care what kindof excuses your husband has come up with. His behavior is completely unacceptable. There is no excuse for him treating you or anyone else. From you said he acts like he enjoys it. You need and deserve someone who's going to love you for you Bipolar and all. Someone who treats you with respect. I'm so sorry you are being hurt like this. I know you want him to love you but a what price. Sooner or later he's going to crush you. Than you will be gone. Don't let him destroy you.

03/18/2009 11:07 PM
maMONaPosts: 1168
Senior Member


this is a good thread you opened up. I am Bp type I. rapid cycler. I was married for 11 years to a non-BP spouse who would verbally and physically abuse me consistently.

NOW...remarried with my 2nd husband at 36, know there will be a cold day in hell when my husband abuses me.

What I pondered over time is, why, after so many years abused, did i get the courage to leave?

I blame the unstable sense of self and low self esteem I had (as many BP's do)to taking all the shit that I did. Now that I look back, me ex really played me well. worked with my insecurities and endulged in them. sickening.

It wasn't till I started going back to school; then ebing diagnosed in '04 that changed my life. It wasnt the diagnosis of BP, i believe it was taking the meds for first time that actaully allowed me to think straight, rationally, anxiety-free which then gave way for me to REALLY live and see what a shit he really was. It gave me the strength to get him the hell out of my life.

I still remember the day....very calm. I simply said I wanted a divorce. (he was accustomed to hearing me say that millions of times and laughed). I then packed up a small backpack, left to friend's house. the rest is history.

03/19/2009 09:28 AM
Posts: 2775
Senior Member

well if i am not out of line Stormi, your husband needs to grow up, but i would not let hem continue, next time he says he wants a divorce tell him you want the paperwork by 5:00pm. That should shock him, next meal time fix enough for yourself, he ask where his is open a cold can of peas and hand him a spoon, your husband has what is commonly called learned behavior. I bet you that he watched his dad belittle his mom, i bet his father taught him the behavior is acceptable, i bet his father taught him by his behavior to be supporting in public but a prick in closed situation. I learned this behavior from my mother, she in public backed us kids and my father, but behind closed doors she was a terror. You should talk to your family about helping you get a fresh start and take care of your self and get out of the situation you are in. Please excuse if i have spoken out of turn just want you to stick up for yourself and do something for YOU. you deserve a better situation.

Post edited by: mechjockusa, at: 03/19/2009 09:55

Post edited by: mechjockusa, at: 03/19/2009 09:56


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