introduction & my history

That is where I start- my mother was schizophrenic and my father was in prison for murder by the time I was 14.

I don't remember much of my childhood but I know my parents were fighting a lot and I got little attention or care and grew up by myself. I had my mother put in the mental institution when I was almost 18 and I was left to deal with life on my own-my brother went to the County children's home.

So I learned to survive I guess. I barely made it through school and lived with friends. At the age of 23 I got a steady job in a factory and am still there. I got an education also. I have no children because I never thought I could take care of a child or that I would be a mean mother /but I also wanted to have the childhood I didn't. I also didn't have many healthy relationships- no surprise - I wasn't taught to depend or trust anyone- and I was very immature and angry most of my life.

There is more but lets get to today's issue

I have been living with a man I have come to dislike and fear -I thought he had some issues from his childhood-but he has been diagnosed as Bipolar recently after I begged him for 3 years to go to a psychiatrist. Initially I felt sorry for him- he seemed so abused as a child-and I understood that and I felt I could mother him- and I did- but his behavior was always bizarre and he began to get more threatening and the arguments more ugly. I recently realized how much of my time and energy had been sacrificed keeping him in control and how I missed my former self- I didn't realize how much I had changed-and how much I hated him and how on edge I was every moment-

I am so angry I started throwing things at him during one of his raging episodes-he recently gave up smoking dope which he did for 40 years and even though he is on medication he got manic. Yes I have argued with him before - I have jumped out of moving cars to avoid his rants /I walked 6 or so miles one day to avoid an argument but recently I just want to shut him up and get away from him, which I should have done years ago before I bailed him out of debt /when he lost his job and didn't get another one for years.

So I am so angry at myself for this behavior of mine for years- I thought he was a professional who made a good living -and would pay me back- and he has a bit He doesn't realize the impact that this condition has had on his life-the depression and mood swings- I only put this together in the past year or so and his behavior is troubling. But I don't think I could ever trust him or feel comfortable around him again/ I can't forgive him for some things he has done /But I can't understand how I let myself be sucked into such a mess/He owes me money -I put up with his behavior even though I don't love him but I feel great sympathy for him-after all I babied him for years (misplaced mothering instincts ??)

But I need to find myself again and move on-but this dysfunctional relationship is scary -what is wrong with me ????

I know it is my childhood and I am on antideppressants for my own depression and have been seeing a theraphist for years -maybe I am bipolar also -that is the only answer I will have to ask my therapist for this answer

Sorry to go on for so long and sorry for the miserable story- I am not totally lost- I have a good job and a good education and have a future to look forward too but how did I get in such a mess

THANKS FOR LISTENING

and hope you and your kids are adjusting

take care

Sherry

I had a horrible childhood, abusive mother, sick father.

This was my 2nd marriage. I divorced my first husband because

he was abusive , on drugs , and cheated.

I just divorced my 2nd husband after 22 years 17 married.

He is in denial about his bipolar. Things were great in the

beginning, wierd 'things/episodes' here & there few & far

between, now he is a stranger most of the time.

Anyway, I am alone & starting over at 47.

It is so sad that they don't even realize all they are giving

up. My husband accused me of throwing him out like the trash,

but I felt he was treating me with as much consideration as

the trash for quite a while.

Mcat- I am waiting for the peace & quiet & calmness. There has

been so much stress and drama over the years. I am having to

work at finding my own way too. I really feel like I have been

his caretaker or something. He is moving out soon. I know I will

miss him terribly.

Take care.