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angel1992 Posts: 4
New Member
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hello im new here. i have so much to say and i dont know where to begin, i guess i will start by today.iam going to a state run free clinic now until july 1st when my medicare starts...im on disability due to my bipolar, the clinic is limited on what meds they have n the dosage they can give me for some reason they have yet to give me an antidepressent im on seroquol klonopin lamictal and trazadone...i go to sleep at 230 in the afternoon and wake at 2 or 3am...i sit all day and watch the clock go by oh so slowly...im not living life at all just exsisiting..nothing at all brings me joy, i hate going out anywhere...i stay in my jammies all day...i rescued a dog and not even he makes me smile anymore.(edited for imagery by centerseeker) i am back with my ex husband, he doesnt understnd my illness at all, when i express my feelings or cry he gets angry and yells at me..i havent got even one friend and noone to talk to but my therapist once a week...(edited for imagery by centerseeker). since its a free clinic i only get a weeks worth of meds at a time....every morning when i wake up as soon as i open my eyes im depressed....i prefer the rain and gloom to the sun...money is a big stressor as i cant seem to get caught up to pay my bills...everyday its something else to bring me down.i hate living this way...i cant understand why my dr hasnt put me on a antidepressent...i unfortunatly have a very high tolerance so most meds dont work...im tired of hearing from my ex, my boyfriend now, to snap out of it....i cant consintrate on a tv program so mostly i just sit stare at the walls and my mind races min to min right now its 433am and im already looking forward to bedtime...seroquol does seem to stop my racing thoughts so i can sleep...some people who dont suffer with this illness have no idea how lucky they are...and if they dont have bipolar they dont understand how it takes over ur life. i have sooo many regrets from my past that were do to being untreated and in mania...i hate myself and noone can tell me to let the past go...i cant and i cant stop hating myself...i have never experienced true love...probly because of the hate for myself...i cant understand why anyone would love me...well im crying again so i will end this for now..not quite sure how this all works as i just joined today...honestly i feel like this is even a waste of my time, althou id love some advise yet no matter what advise i get i know it wont help...thank u to all who read this...i just wish i could see a light at the end of the tunnel where all i see is darkness Post edited by: centerseeker, at: 06/13/2012 01:57 AM |
